Bro code or no code?

Many men struggle to make close friends. Are they really stuck in the ‘lone wolf’ archetype trap?

The phone rang at the Tripathi residence repeatedly. It had been a week since the family lost its patriarch, Ramesh Tripathi, to a sudden cardiac arrest.

Amid the grief-stricken atmosphere, one family member remained silent—Tripathi’s 38-year-old son, Pawan. His friends had been calling for days, but he was nowhere to be found. When Pawan’s mother, Gita, finally answered the phone, it was one of her son’s friends on the line. “Aunty, hello. He hasn’t spoken a word to us since Uncle passed. Is he okay?” asked the friend.

Pawan was, understandably, in shock. His friends had given him space, expecting that he would open up in time. But days turned into weeks, then months. Pawan remained mum on his father’s loss. He never showed emotion, never brought up his father’s death, and never reached out to his friends for support.

Pranav Kishore Saxena, a policy professional and researcher, and an Oxford graduate thinks the focus on competitive exams and career-building often isolates men, which eventually limits their ability to form meaningful connections. Pic/Nishad Alam

Such tendencies of silence in men around their friends, even in extreme circumstances like Pawan’s, and the romanticisation of enduring pain, is a stereotype that has harmed not only men’s mental and emotional well-being, but even their relationships—with their partners, and even their friends.

It’s no news that men find it difficult to open up to their male friends, which explains why their friendships often lack the intimacy seen among women, who tend to express emotions more easily and are quick to ask for help, or a hug, or a heartfelt conversation.

Today, the Internet is flooded with content that glorifies the narrative that the more pain men endure, the more “masculine” they become. And there are plenty of takers for this idea, across demographics. Despite increasing gender fluidity, it may still be the “lone wolf” archetype that persists—a man who shows no emotion, fights his battles alone, and dies a silent, “prideful” death.

Kartik Rajan

We spoke to Shivani Rai, an architect who is her partner’s only friend. Though she is in a happy relationship, the fact that her partner has no other close friends worries her. She says, “For a woman to be the sole emotional support, confidante, and social anchor for a man can be incredibly challenging. No one has the bandwidth to shoulder the entirety of someone else’s losses and triumphs all the time. It is a lot of pressure.”

“Women, unlike men,” she explains, “often have varied support systems, with different people fulfilling different emotional needs.” Rai further adds, “For one person to take on all those roles for their partner isn’t fair—and it prevents the partner from building their own community.”

Rai also points out that without community, there’s a risk of social ineptness, which can strain the relationship.

SRK, in an interview with Simi Garewal; (right) Dwayne Johnson, in an interview with Oprah Winfrey. Pics/Getty Images

The women we interviewed, whose partners have very few or no friends, highlighted how certain aspects of male friendships contribute to men’s lack of strong emotional connections. Dolly Singh, an engineer, whose husband has just one college friend whom he speaks to over the phone every few months, says, “I have seen the two (her husband and his friend) brush off serious topics, avoid emotional acknowledgment, and maintain a perpetually playful demeanour even when the situation demands otherwise. Such behaviour leaves little room for genuine connection.”

This behaviour goes by many names online: you can call it “dude behaviour”, “bro code”, or the “alpha male mentality”.

Dr Fabian Almeida, consultant psychiatrist at Fortis Hospital,  explains, “In most cultural contexts, men are expected to exhibit strength—both mental and physical. That’s one reason why men often remain emotionally closed off, even around their friends. However, in my experience, I have seen that men do have support systems, but they don’t access their friendships as comfortably or easily as women, in times of emotional turmoil. This means that even with friends around, men often don’t open up as much. Scientifically, women tend to have higher levels of oxytocin, a hormone that fosters bonding and nurturing, which may explain why they nurture their friendships much better, and allow them to offer emotional solace.”

Dr Fabian Almeida, psychiatrist; (right) Shivani Rai, architect

But refraining from expressing one’s emotions can have significant physical consequences, too. As Dr Almeida explains, “When someone suppresses their feelings for an extended period, those emotions can manifest physically due to the strong connection between the mind and body. This phenomenon is known as somatization: when the mind doesn’t talk, the body learns to talk. It can present as various physical symptoms—ranging from tension headaches and stomach aches, to joint pain, backache, acidity and indigestion, or even chronic fatigue. Often, people find it more socially acceptable to express physical discomfort rather than emotional distress, which is why these symptoms are verbalised more readily. But what’s important is to recognise that these physical pains may be the body’s way of signalling unresolved emotional pain.”

However, there are men who have built a wide social net and have a number of close friends, too. For instance, Kartik Rajan, a Pune-based freelance video producer and sound designer, who also does spoken word poetry, has a close-knit circle of 10 to 15 male friends—from school and college buddies to former colleagues.

But he admits, “Despite being very social, I don’t make a lot of new male friends. I’m on the more ‘progressive’ side politically, and I value deeper conversations that I just don’t find easily among men.”

This preference for meaningful dialogue led Rajan to cultivate a wide circle of female friends. While he can discuss anything with his male friends, he still finds it much easier to open up about his feelings with women. “With women, it’s easier to talk about emotions or insecurities,” he explains.

“Men use masculinity like a drug to cope with their life situations,” he says. But there is scope for male friendships to evolve. Rajan says, “The most I have seen men open up is during those late-night, campfire-like moments. You may have to create a space where they feel safe to be vulnerable, even if it’s done discreetly.”

It may not be a personal struggle, as deeper connections depend on societal dynamics equally. But perhaps moving beyond “the  stoic demeanour” and the “lone-wolf” archetype can help men.

32
Percentage by which a person’s risk of premature death increases due to long-term social isolation
Source: Study at Brigham Young University, US

The quiet struggles

Pranav Kishore Saxena, a policy professional and researcher, has introspected on his male and female friendships.

As someone who has observed cultures in both India and the UK, he says, “I have about three or four friends I have stayed connected with since school and college. But making new friends after college? That’s been tough.”

He notes that for men, the reception to forming friendships later in life—post-25 or 30—often depends on circumstances. “If someone doesn’t have other social circles, they might open up. That’s how I made a few friends after my second Masters at Oxford. But they aren’t close friends.”

There may be a sociological angle here, too. He explains, “Women often pursue education and careers for independence, while for men, usually, education and career are just a means to an end, thus everything becomes a transactional, including social interaction and friendship. This makes it harder for men to seek true friendly connections after a certain age.”

Like many men we spoke to, who admitted they’re not very open with their male friends, Saxena said, “I don’t have many guy friends I can truly open up to. In fact, I have realised that I don’t even engage with those who can’t understand vulnerability. I can recognise which friends are just for fun and which ones I can have deeper conversations with.”

The weird comfort

Host of The Chill Hour podcast and content creator Deepak Pareek describes male friendships as both “weird and comforting”.

He says, “There’s not a lot of emotional sharing in most male friendships, but with certain friends, I have been extremely vulnerable. We have even cried together.”
But there’s an awkwardness that lingers among most men when one shows their vulnerable side. Pareek says, “The weird part is, as guys, we don’t know how to console each other. Do we hug? Pat their shoulder? We’ve never been taught how to handle these moments.”

When asked about making friends later in life, Pareek said, “It’s about comfort. At 28 or 30, you’re already comfortable with your old friends. So, to make new friends, you have to take the initiative and step out of your comfort zone. It could be anything—from networking events to gyms or social gatherings. You can’t expect friendships to form without effort.”

Despite the comfort his male friendships give him, Pareek admits that friendships with women have taught him how to listen and empathise better. With his male friends, emotional conversations often take a backseat. Curiosity may be the key for men to make new friends. “If you’re innately curious, you’ll find ways to have meaningful conversations even with strangers,” says Pareek, who has in-depth conversations with new people regularly on his podcast, covering a slew of topics.

He explains, “Not every male friend will have the same depth of connection with you, and that’s okay. It’s about finding shared passions and building from there.”

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