Stunning deception, Tim Paine!

A satirical view of the Australian captain’s recent utterances of his team being distracted by India’s niggles and sideshows

The search to blame is always successful. This proverb may explain Tim Paine’s astonishing admission that his leadership led to the Australians being distracted by India's “niggles” and “sideshows” in the recent Border-Gavaskar Trophy.  Whilst on one hand defending his captaincy credentials, he also conceded that he allowed, maybe even encouraged, his charges to take their “eye off the ball.” Perhaps, he meant it literally - his eyes may have been so full of the red mist after his spiteful words to Ravichandran Ashwin in Sydney that he took his eyes off the ball and dropped a crucial catch next over.  That moment of distraction probably cost Australia the series.  Or maybe it was the missed stumping in Brisbane on Day Five when Rishabh Pant’s innings had yet to blossom.

My Sports Editor, the erudite Clayton Murzello, sent me the text of Paine's recent comments whilst I was watching a documentary entitled See What You Made Me Do. It’s a film focused on domestic violence perpetrators who kept blaming their victims for their acts of violence, grown men who have grown accustomed to shifting blame for their failings.  The irony of this coincidence was not lost on me.

For an Australian cricketer, weaned on a diet of niggle and mental disintegration, aka sledging, aka verbal abuse, the admission that he was out-niggled must indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. It doesn't adequately explain why the incident involving Ashwin ended up with Paine having to reluctantly apologise for crossing the famous “line.”Again!  For all of us who heard the exchange through Stump-Cam, unless Ashwin is a ventriloquist with a remarkable skill at imitating Tasmanian accents, it seemed that all the niggle and foul language was not coming from Ashwin.

But let's give Paine's argument the benefit of the doubt.  His line of reasoning suggests that coach Ravi Shastri and captain Ajinkya Rahane planned this?  Did their master plan to distract Australia in 2021 start way back in the late 1980s?  That was when Australia began their reign of terror at The Gabba, a reign so scary that Paine was heard threatening Ashwin with that fate. “Wait till we get you to the Gabba” was the general theme of his erudite wit, along with the crude assertion that Ashwin's teammates thought he was a "d***head.” So did India lull Australia into this false sense of security by convincing every opponent over the last 30 years to capitulate at The Gabba just so they could pull off this heist in 2021?  See what you made me do?  You made us underestimate you. It’s your fault India.

If that is truly what Australians believe, then the entire series must be viewed through this lens. India cunningly allowed themselves to be bowled out for 36 in Adelaide but they never collapsed like that again. Pure Machiavellian genius!

What about the injuries?  Ashwin, Jasprit Bumrah, Mohammed Shami, Ravi Jadeja, Hanuma Vihari...the list goes on.  India's grand plan was to distract the Aussies by playing a Second XI in Brisbane?  Australia fell for that old chestnut - India's bowling attack in Brisbane was even greener than the Gabba pitch that was meant to frighten India into submission.  Someone forgot to tell Rishabh Pant.  They were probably too busy applying for his visa as a babysitter!

India won the toss in Adelaide and then allowed themselves to be humiliated.  The ICC should perhaps be investigating them for match-fixing.  What a cunning plan that was though -  after Adelaide,  Rahane deliberately called wrong three times to allow Paine to think he had an advantage. India went on to record two wins and an epic draw.  That's a stunning deception - deliberately losing the toss to distract Paine. 

Australia were suckered into batting first after winning the toss.  See what you made me do by losing three tosses Jinks? And then you chased down our total in the fourth innings in Melbourne and Brisbane. You held on for a draw in Sydney when the pitch should have crumbled.  Vihari deliberately pulled a hamstring so we couldn’t run him out like in the first innings.  Our team plans were based on run-outs because our bowlers were over-confident after you deliberately collapsed for 36 in Adelaide. So unfair!

India were virtually playing a third-string bowling attack, they were on foreign soil without the world's best batsman (Kohli) and two of their best bowlers for the last Test (Ashwin and Bumrah). And with all of these handicaps, Paine claims it was Australia who were the victims in their own country when Indian players were subjected to racist abuse from the crowd. Both Ashwin and Pant were verbally targeted by the captain himself.  If Australia allowed themselves to be distracted, the aura of invincibility that Steve Waugh built up with his mental disintegration blitzkrieg has just been surrendered under Paine’s captaincy.

This culture of blame-shifting hints at deeper problems within the organisation.  Cape Town 2018...Cameron Bancroft reckons he acted under David Warner's instructions.  He made me do it.  

Going back a step, the Aussies blamed the South African crowds who taunted Warner’s wife and also Kagiso Rabada for niggling them in the previous Test.  See what he made me do?  It's only a matter of time before someone spills the beans on how many other players knew of the cheating plot and you can bet your bottom dollar that no one will own the crime.  It will always be someone else's fault, like when Shane Warne was banned for failing a drug test before the 2003 World Cup.  He blamed his mum - see what she made me do? 

For anyone who thinks this article lurches from the sublime to the ridiculous, that it relies heavily on sarcastic prose, I take no responsibility. See what you made me do Clayton bhai?

Also Read: Remember how AB turned it?

Michael Jeh is a former first-class cricketer based in Brisbane

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