“It’s a long story, tell you later, let’s fust take de matter at hand.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over dressed in gaudy floral-designedclothes, resembling curtains from Chunilal Mulchand—
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“Uhm Lobo Lobo… are you going to a fancy dress party as a Jumbo Circus clown?”
“See Dikuna men, dis type designer wear is considered very high fashionable in Bollywood circles, got it? My better half Myrtle made me dese clodes.”
“Are you headed to a filmi function?”
“It’s a long story, tell you later, let’s fust take de matter at hand.”
“And what is the matter at hand?”
“See I’m gearing up for a biopic movie to be made on me and my life.”
“Wow Lobo Lobo... umm, I guess this is the era of biopics.”
“Arre, every blessed mudder son is getting dere biopic done, dat Kangana dame is becoming dat our Mrs Indira Gandhi, dis wassername dat ViratKohli’s better half, she’s playing dat lady cricketer Jhula Roderigues.”
“Goswami, Jhelum Goswami…,” I corrected him.
“Yes… so I tought why not me.”
“You want to tell me why your life story is worth making a biopic on?”
“Arre Bossie, my life is an inspirational one, many peepuls would be interested in my journey!”
“Fair enough, so who’s making your biopic, Lobo Lobo… tell me all.”
Lobo Lobo was a bit circumspect.
“Uhm no one has been selected yet, men, you see I need someone who can understand me.”
“I see, so which director do you think that is, who’s on your wish list?”
“See men, eider Quentin Torrentino or Christopher Nolan will be equipped… but if dey are not free, I’ll settle for Steven Spielbergs.”
“I see, so nobody in India is capable of dramatising your life?”
“Arre Dikuna men, my full life, needs a sensitive mind, dere are many phases I’ve been trough… whoever we select has to be an all rounder genius—
I was very dashing as a younster, uuufff. All de dames would go ‘paagal’, in de Catlik Gym... dey tought I looked like James Dean… and dat I could dance like dat John Travolota… I had deadlo moves men, dey calleded me‘Cha chat cha tango’… dey called me de Goan Fred Astairs… den I became a footballer—I was like de Maradona of Matunga. Whoever imagines my life on de silver screen must be an expert in shooting dance and dribbling.”
“Got it, so have you thought who would play you on celluloid?”
“See men, I need someone sporty and atletic, to be able to do dis dancing, and den he has to have de moves on de footer ground also. Many many options dere are men, you tell me, who do you tinks resembles me, name one actor.”
“Keshto Mukherjee”, I said spontaneously.
“Who? Keshto… Mukherjee, dat bleddy drunk bugger, you tink I’m a boozard, also he’s no more…,” Lobo Lobos said, dismayed. “Dikuna men, dat is very rude, you tink a dead boozard should play me?”
“No no, its just that you look like him, same uhm… lack of um follicles, same expression.”
“Dikuna men, I don’t tink you are familiar wid cinema. See you have to cast buggers who will bring in an audience, like dat Ryan Reynolds fellow or dat Ryan Gosling chappie. Anyway, if Steven Spielberg agrees to make my film den I tink Brad Pitts or dat Jason Borne bugger, Matt Damnen.”
“I see, impressive options, and what kind of film will it be, what’s the story line?”
“See men, all dese experts say and all de trends show, dat supernatural ghost type comedies are de ‘in ting’ dese days, like dat Stree 2, even in de foreign, all dese
‘Stranger Tings’ are popular, so I’m tinking, my biopic could be a ‘supernatural’ spoof sports dance drama.”
“Look Lobo Lobo I have to ask you again, why are you dressed like a curtain from Chunilal Mulchand?”
“Because if Brad Pitts and Matt Damnen say no, den I want de next best person to play me in de biopic.”
“And who is that Lobo Lobo?”
“Ranveer Singh,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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