“See men, let me tell wot wot happened, today as you know is dat festival—Kadwa Chautha.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over dressed like in a Sanjay Leela Bhansali movie.
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“Lobo Lobo why are you dressed like a character out of Heeramandi? Almost royalty—where did you get such clothes from?”
“Arrey, Dikuna men, my turd cuzzin has a clodes renting store in Virar, like your uhmmm Maganla Dresswala type.”
“But why so dressed up... it’s a relaxed Sunday.”
“See men, let me tell wot wot happened, today as you know is dat festival—Kadwa Chautha.”
“Lobo Lobo first things first, its pronounced Karwa… not Kadwa… kadwa means ‘sour, bitter’, and Chautha means ‘fourth’ so its Chauth, yes… Karwa Chauth.”
“Arrey Dikuna men, don’t get technical ya, you’re interrupting my flow of thought, so as you know in our country on dis auspicious day de wife does a fasting, from sunrise to moonrise for de hubby—my better half Myrtle wanted to do for me dis year for my long life—so she waked up at 6 am dis morning, she was so excited, we had dat deadly orange supermoon, so she tought, wow, she’ll be able to see me trough dat sieve and den dat tali… and I’ll be fully protected—she had de whole ting planned out—we went to de terrace of our building, I took one photoo also... see, see (Lobo Lobo shows me).”
“Lobo Lobo, most wives are either smiling or looking devotedly at their men, Myrtle looks like she wants to kill you!”
“Becoz he was in a foul temper.”
“But why?”
“See Dikuna men, as you can see my better half is little.… uhm on de prosperous side— my Myrtle likes her food, she eats five meals a day, every tree tree hours... all, all cashews, and bibinca and all all Goan delicacies… so dis is de fust time she starved one whole day… so by de time we went on de terrace she was men, dere are catterpillars in her tummy… it was rumbling like de tunder, damn hungry she was—den unfortunately de wurst ting happened. She’s aiming de sieve on my face..but dere is no moon behind!”
“Where was the moon?”
“Arre it decides it wants to bleddy play hide and sik, it decides to go behind a cloud and duzzent onie come out… den it comes out, den again it disappears… bleddy Mrytle keeps making me move... right left left right… two hours we are doing dis fox trot dancing all over de terrace. But de blessed moon would not stay still—and den de sun only came out so de purpose was lost.. and Myrtle broke her fast and I am here. Cheeee! Den she tells me dat she has made Feni for me, so I got so excited, wow I akses her, is it cashew or palm feni.”
She says, ‘Arre you bleddy boozard, show some respect, dis is a special Karva Chauth dish… I’m making special feni, its like dat vermicelli’—she got evin more wild, how I’ll know dat feni is also a traditional speciality men!”
Lobo Lobo took a pause.
“See men, its not been a good time foe me dis festive seesun… during Navratri, I went to play all dis dandiya wid my building freends, all in de neighbourhood, you have to be very energetic—on de second night only all dat circular motion, I got ‘chakkar’... full bleddy vertigo I got. Den on de fourth night… my hamstring onie got messed up.
Den de udder day, see all my friends dey are getting all set for Diwali, so dey play dat rummy game, and dey bet small amounts of dis moolah, so I got carried away men, I gave away my money, my HMT watch, and soon I was fulyl kadka.”
“And then?” I asked fascinated.
“De game soon became strip poker… and one by one I lost all my belongings.”
“Oh no… Lobo Lobo.”
“Yes men, Dikuna, including all my clodes.”
“That must have been embarrassing Lobo Lobo.”
“Yes I had to come home hiding hiding in my VIP undergarments—dat is why my Myrtle did dat ‘Kadwa Chautha’… she said, ‘Hey Theo men, you need protection, from yourself only’,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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