Is it time we took over the UK?

This may sound a bit far-fetched, but our former rulers are clearly in desperate need of any help they can get

I wish Macaulay, Clive, Mountbatten, and the rest of those pasty, white folk could see us now; they would probably choke on their hot toddies, wouldn’t they? I thought about them a lot a few weeks ago, after photographs of empty grocery shelves across the UK flooded the Internet, adding to a surprisingly long list of woes faced by what was once our parent country. It made me wonder, for the hundredth time, how things could have come to this. How could that once mighty seat of Empire be reduced to a country where tomatoes are being rationed, and where politicians are urging people to cope by eating more turnips?

There are a million reasons being cited for this sorry state of affairs, of course, from Brexit and the global economy, to the effects of climate change and poor decisions from their ruling political party that wouldn’t be able to manage a fast food stall, let alone a country. Reasons are of little use to common men and women though, who are now compelled to go about their daily lives with less money than ever, and fewer basic grocery items to spend it on.

This is why I hope the government of India does the right thing and makes a formal offer to take control of the United Kingdom. It’s obvious we have what it takes to run a country successfully, and any Englishman looking for proof can simply check out our many news channels on prime time, night after positive night. We have overflowing shelves in grocery stores, tomatoes sold at every other street corner, and leaders with degrees in Entire Political Science which, as everyone knows, is one of the hardest academic qualifications to acquire. We would probably be able to solve the UK’s problems within a few weeks if our leaders were given a chance. Look at cities like Patna, Varanasi, and Surat, for instance, and how they now attract more tourists than Paris, Vienna, and Switzerland. If that doesn’t prove our expertise, nothing will.

As our anchors on television inform us daily, we are now among the best-managed countries in the world, and it is only right that we advertise this fact and ask our struggling neighbours as well as former rulers if we should step in and save them all from themselves. Also, given that we allowed the English to stroll in and rule us for a few centuries, it’s only fair that they return the favour and allow us to have a go at running things in their part of the world for a change.

There may be some pushback to this proposal, and I don’t mean from the English who have always been amenable to being ruled by people of colour. In fact, they have a brown Prime Minister for the first time in their history, even if he is only pretending to do a competent job. No, the pushback I predict will be from my fellow Indians, who may refuse to share their good fortune with a country that has caused us so much grief in the past. They may want to keep our amazing ministers for ourselves, which is understandable if a little selfish.

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We are inhabitants of one planet though, and I believe we should share our skillsets with everyone so the world can progress in leaps and bounds, the way India has since 2014 or so.

A part of me also suspects the English have long been prepared for this takeover to eventually happen. Look at what their national dish is, or their inability to get through the week without a curry or kebab. Look at their acceptance of blatant corruption at every level of governance, all of which has been brushed aside in a naked grasp for power at all costs. Look at the established ties between politicians and businessmen, or numerous rumours of personal favours in exchange for public assets. If all of that isn’t quintessentially Indian, what is? The only thing they have in their favour is a free press, but I have a strong feeling we can remedy that in weeks, given our recent expertise in that area.

If things go according to plan and the government of India accepts this modest proposal, I look forward to a day when travelling to London will be as hassle-free as getting to Lonavla. And, who knows, cities like Manchester, Liverpool, Bristol, and Nottingham may one day be part of our own long list of Smart Cities, too.

When he isn’t ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira

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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper

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