When we were kids, we were punished. With anything our parents could get their hands on cane, clothes hangers, belts... But as parents ourselves, most of us would hesitate to punish our children or even call it punishment at all. Remedial measures are now called disciplining. Sunday MiD DAY spoke to a few adults about childhoods past (theirs) and present (that of their children)
When we were kids, we were punished. With anything our parents could get their hands on cane, clothes hangers, belts... But as parents ourselves, most of us would hesitate to punish our children or even call it punishment at all. Remedial measures are now called disciplining. Sunday MiD DAY spoke to a few adults about childhoods past (theirs) and present (that of their children)
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"While growing up, my brother was punished more. My parents never raised a hand on me except once when my dad came home and found my mother howling. She said, 'I whacked Raveena', then he asked, 'But why are you crying?' Today, my husband and I fool around with Ranbir asking him, 'You want a whacking?' But Rasha is spared; no hitting girls for us. Rasha is given timeout. She has to stand on a stool in the corner. When she's being stubborn, I say, 'Okay, you and I need to talk.' Then everyone has to leave the room and I explain things to her. If she's crying, I say, 'Sit here and cry it out.' You need to be firm.
"My kids try to patao me. Ranbir is the cutest when he says sorry. He even sits behind Rasha when she has to say sorry and says, 'Mamma, solly!' That's when I melt."u00a0
'My mom would yell! The dad is the floating representative of the house; the mother deals with the reality'
Shankar Mahadevan, singer/composer"I grew up in a typical middle-class, south Indian home. My father (he died in 1990) never lost his temper or got agitated; my mother was the disciplinarian. The basis of our argument was usually music practice. I was pretty naughty, bunking classes and even lying.
"When my mom found out, she didn't hit me, but all hell would break loose. She would yell! The dad is always the floating representative of the house; the mother deals with the reality. She wouldn't let us go out to play until we finished our homework. I had a technique I used when we got remarks on our report card. I would corner my father in an isolated spot and get his signature on my report card.
"For our kids, my wife is the strict one. She streamlines everything for our sons Siddharth (16) and Shivam (8). I have certain rules like I don't like them lying or not sharing. We don't give them serious punishment; just no meeting friends or restricting TV. Once in six months, my wife has these sessions where she says I have to control them and (laughs) I'm expected to give a lecture. But she gets very agitated when she sees me laughing."
'I beg my boys to do homework'
Rina Dhaka, fashion designer"I grew up in boarding school because there weren't enough good schools. Everyone was sh*t scared of my father, including my mother. As a kid, I would do everything I wasn't supposed to. Even lie to him. My dad later started saying sarcastically, 'Aaj kisski shaadi hogi?' because I would tell him this or that friend is getting married and go out on Saturday nights. Not that we did much besides drink cola and dance. It did earn me my only slap from my father after one particularly late Saturday night out! Because of that, I started working quite early in life, so it would allow me the excuse of staying out late.
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"But I'm totally dominated by my boys Kaith (13) and Jai (11). In fact, I ask the elder one, 'Why don't you get calls from girls? Are you okay?' But I'm the stricter parent. Nagging and forever after my boys to do their homework. I have to beg them to do their homework. My husband, on the other hand, totally spoils them with the latest gadgets. I don't punish them, though. They punish me. At the most, I will get into an emotional drama to get them follow orders."
'I never really got into trouble... my kids aren't grotesquely out of line either'
Atul Kasbekar, photographer"As a child, I never really got into trouble. I was good at academics and sports. The only time my father put his foot down was when I was in Class 12 because I'd taken the science stream. For a year, I was forbidden to see a film in theatres and he told me to stay away from the girls. I stuck to the first part of his order (laughs).
"Parenting today is a different ball game. When my parents walk into the room, I still get up. That was the respect they commanded. But the other day, when I walked into the room, my 12-year-old son Arnav asked me to get a glass of water (laughs)!
"But overall, Arnav and his twin sister Naomi aren't grotesquely out of line. My wife Vandana disciplines them. She uses her 'radio silent' look to let the kids know that she is upset. But she also uses me like a nuclear weapon. She tells them, 'Do this or else I will have your father deal with it.' Ninety-nine per cent of the time, it works. The only thing that bothers me is when they oversleep on holidays. I'm an early riser and I expect them to be so too."
'My mom would emotionally blackmail us she would not talk to us for hours.'
Prasoon Pandey, ad filmmaker"There was disciplining of the worst kind from my mother emotional blackmail. She would not talk to us for hours. We used to find any excuse to talk to her tell her there is a phone call, etc. I was the youngest so there were many people disciplining me. It was a fun house. My mother encouraged all of us to have hobbies, but not respecting elders was unacceptable. She believed that elders were right. So there were eight people more right than me.
"My problem with my children is that they are more disciplined than I am. I do ask them if they did anything wrong, if they hit anyone. But I think they have gone on my wife Gayatri. My son Ayushman is 16 and daughter Tavishi is 13. Maybe when they turn 18-19, they will think, 'Yaar, parents don't know anything.'
"Under-performing is silly. If the teachers think they are capable of 90 per cent, then they should get close to it. I believe that people in glass houses should not throw stones at others, so I don't insist on marks as I got only 40 per cent!"
'No good cop, bad cop. Today's kids are too smart and see right through tactics'
Smriti Z Irani, TV actress and producer "I was quite boring as a child. I only did what I was told to, I never asked why nor answered back. But today's children have so much access to information, they need to know why rules are being laid. If Zohr (son, 7) and Zoish (daughter, 5) have a problem with what they're being told to do, I sit them down and explain the nitty-gritties. Recently, they got back from a trip and their bags were stuffed with chocolates. Instead of confiscating the chocolates, I told them exactly what dental problems and diabetes would do to them. And it worked.
"My disciplining methods are inspired by my parents. They never raised a hand on me; I don't either. Zubin and I don't believe in the whole good cop-bad cop routine in which one parent scolds and the other comforts. We're on the same plane. Anyway, today's kids are too smart and see right through tactics.
"My punishment is easy and effective. If anything displeases me, I ground them. No television and no playing. For how long? Depending on what they've done, it could be a week or a month."
'The rule was that rules never got broken'
Haseena Jethmalani, socialite"During my time, the rule was that rules never got broken. Now, things are different; parents are far more involved with their kids. I don't believe in corporal punishment, but I am particular that my 13-year-old daughter Serena and my two-and-a-half-year old twin boys, my daughter in particular since she is older, talk to the staff properly, don't lie and practice good civic sense.
"But really, if you ask me whether I am the toughie or my husband, then I would say I have two sides hard and soft. At the most, I may take away my daughter's mobile phone and tell her no going out with friends. Or we get into a trade-off where I allow my kids to watch a cartoon channel for half an hour and then they have to do as I tell them to. Their father, Mahesh, is very soft on them because he barely gets to see them."
'I'd get my ear twistedu00a0... but now talk to our kids'
Ronit Roy, television actor "I remember dad was strict and I was naughty, so we complemented each other perfectly. Rohit was the quieter one of us brothers. I broke the rules often and had to pay the price I'd get my ear twisted, I'd get hit a little, the usual stuff. After dad passed away, mum brought us up and I really appreciate her effort. She was usually the good cop, but she made sure I didn't get into trouble.
"As parents, neither Neelam nor I are strict. Anyway, the kids are only just four (daughter Aador) and one-and-a-half years old (son Agasthya). Neelam takes care of disciplining them. But I'm on the scene whether it's teaching them how to eat or how to behave at the table or in front of guests.
"There's no screaming, no hitting, no punishment. We talk to our kids. I'll step into a situation only when it gets out of hand. I'd like to recommend a book to all parents, The Road Less Travelled. It helps."
'My father used to beat me with a stick... I ground my daughter...'
Sanjay Nirupam, Congress MP "We were nine children and were perfectly controlled by my father. He used to beat me with a stick. I was a good student and don't remember being too mischievous. Once, I came home late from school, my father scolded me and beat me with a cane.
"My daughter Shivani (13) is obedient, but she is also demanding. I wanted to change her school, but I haven't been able to go against her will. Children these days are different from how we were. They are more aware and smarter than we were.
"I have never beaten Shivani. My wife does when the situation warrants it. We have to think twice before raising our hands. I do ground her sometimes or curb her from eating burgers and pizzas for a week. Sometimes we threaten to take away her mobile phone. I believe children can be disciplined with love and affection."
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