Masculinity, the effect of social media, and a toxic self-image are just some of the themes that the British show Adolescence has thrown up. So, we asked a 15-year-old to let us inside his teenage mind. He did, and boy, is it complicated
Representational pic/iStock
Sid [name changed] is 15 years old and has just completed his 10th grade board exams. He is set to graduate from a well-known school located in Mumbai’s western suburbs and is slowly navigating the complexities of growing up and being a man. As an adolescent himself, he admits that this stage of life isn’t easy. He speaks to Sunday mid-day about his understanding of masculinity, friendships, and relationships.
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What is masculinity, according to you?
SID: Masculinity, in my understanding, is a scale on which every individual lies. I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with being a man. A biological woman can have many masculine traits, and a biological man can have feminine traits. A biological woman could score a 6 on the masculine scale, while a biological man might score a 4. So, for me, most people exist somewhere on this scale of masculinity and femininity.
What are some traits that masculine individuals possess?
I think people who work out a lot, play sports, lift heavy weights, and are generally stoic would be considered masculine. I also believe more masculine individuals have a greater sense of responsibility—they feel the need to have all the answers and be providers.
Representational pic/iStock
Who is your role model?
This is a tough one, but I think I have two: DC’s Batman and retired F1 driver Daniel Ricciardo. Batman because he’s jacked, and he saves people. Also, he has so many cool cars! He’s just been one of my favourite super heroes for a really long time. Ricciardo, in my opinion, is just such a gem of a person. He was an excellent driver and highly motivated. He’s funny—not in a conventional way, but in that so-bad-it’s-good kind of way, which is exactly my type of humour. More importantly, he has this presence—when he enters a room, everyone feels at ease. I’d love to be that kind of person.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how masculine do you think you are? (1 being the least masculine and 10 being the most)
I don’t know—maybe a 6?
Do you think you were ever taught to be masculine?
Among all the masculine figures in my life, my father has undoubtedly been the most influential. Though my father never explicitly taught me about masculinity or how to be a man, I’ve picked up things from him over time. For instance, he always carried heavy bags and never let my mother or grandparents lift them, whether at home or while travelling. I think that’s very masculine.
However, I also realised that my father is emotionally unavailable. While he has always listened to my problems, his solutions have been purely practical—about moving on and dealing with things, rather than offering emotional support. I’ve also seen my mother struggle with this—she’s had distressing moments because my father wouldn’t share things with her or was too reserved. That’s one trait I don’t want to inherit.
“Ricciardo, in my opinion, is just such a gem of a person. He was an excellent driver and highly motivated. He’s also so funny. I want to be like him”. Pic/Instagram@danielricciardo
You mentioned that being stoic is a masculine trait. Do you think it’s the same as being emotionally unavailable?
No, I don’t think so. I think being stoic is about controlling emotions and acting rationally. I can feel angry at a situation or a person, but that doesn’t mean I should lash out at others. On the other hand, emotionally unavailable people don’t share their feelings at all and keep everything bottled up, which often hurts the people around them. So, while I want to be stoic and have control over my emotions to behave properly, I never want to be emotionally unavailable to the people I love.
Do you know what your gender identity is, or are you still figuring it out?
I’m straight. I’m a heterosexual man. I’ve never doubted or questioned it.
So you are attracted to women?
Yes.
“Batman is one of my role models because he’s jacked, and he saves people. Also, he has so many cool cars! He’s always been my favourite super hero”. Pic/Pinterest
What’s your type? Are you physically attracted to any particular kind of woman?
Honestly, I don’t think I have a type—or at least not yet. I’ve realised that judging people by their looks is pointless. It’s all about whether I can have meaningful conversations with them—both intellectual and brain-rotting ones, lol.
Do all your friends also avoid judging women based on their looks?
No, 99.9 per cent of them do judge women based on appearance. Many are quite mean about it too. I used to be friends with those guys, but I quickly realised they weren’t good people, so I distanced myself from them. I found new friends who share my mind-set.
If most of your friends judge women by their looks, what made you think differently?
I grew up watching my older sister struggle with body image and mental health issues because people constantly fat-shamed her. She’s incredibly capable and has already achieved so much, but people overlook that just because she’s a few kgs heavier than them. That’s why I know better than to judge a book by its cover.
Influential figures such as Andrew and Tristan Tate, also known as the Tate brothers, and even tech guru Elon Musk, are known to have controversial and problematic views about relationships, women, and are often seen promoting toxic masculinity. These figures, among others are often idealised by boys. Pics/Getty Images
Have you ever been in a romantic relationship?
Yes, twice.
How old were you at the start of these relationships?
My first relationship was in grade 7 when I was 12. The second was in grade 10—I had just turned 15 when I asked her out.
What were your experiences like in these relationships?
I was very young in my first relationship and only dated her because she confessed her feelings for me. I don’t think I ever actually liked her—it just felt nice to be liked.
The second relationship was more meaningful. We were friends first, and I really liked that she was an interesting person and had a sense of humour. However, over time, I started noticing red flags but ignored them. She eventually broke up with me to focus on her studies for our board exams. I understood that, but she assumed we’d get back together afterwards. By then, I had realised her red flags and didn’t want to get back together with her.
What were these red flags?
Toxicity, mainly. A big red flag for me is when someone talks negatively about others behind their backs. If they do that to someone else, what are the chances they’re also talking about you behind yours? My ex did that a lot. Another issue was being stuck in the past—after our break-up, she acted like we were still together, and when I made it clear that I had moved on, she lashed out at me.
How did you feel when she lashed out?
Honestly, indifferent. I didn’t care much.
Have you ever been angry at a significant other? How do you handle anger?
Yeah, it’s natural to feel angry. I’m not an angry person, but I do experience the emotion from time to time. In my second relationship, my ex started ghosting me because she felt I talked too much about myself and my interests, and didn’t focus on her enough when we would hang out with our friends in a group setting. I was pissed at her for doing that.
I tend to be passive-aggressive—I either go completely silent or lash out. I haven’t lashed out in a while, but when I do, it’s usually at home with family, never outside.
Have you ever noticed your friends or peers being aggressive or toxic with their significant others?
Yeah, more often than not. Remember the friends I cut off? Some of them were verbally abusive—they would openly body shame and even insult their girlfriends’ intelligence, both seriously and as a joke. I’ve never had friends who were physically abusive, but I did know a senior in school who once pushed his girlfriend down the stairs because he was mad at her. That was really messed up.
Also, I’ve seen so many people get into fights that go viral on Instagram because bystanders record and post them. Some of these fights, both in and outside of school, have even landed people in the hospital with serious injuries.
I honestly don’t get it—if I ever got into something like that, my parents would probably kick me out of the house, lol.
Are you active on Instagram?
Duh. Who isn’t?
Why do you have an Instagram account?
That’s a weird question—everyone else has one, so I do too.
Do you think social media influences your thoughts?
Yeah I guess—I love to brain rot content, but mostly I just use Instagram to chat with friends, look at car reels, and post the occasional story—again, mostly about cars.
Have you ever heard the term ‘incel’ before?
No, what’s that?
The parenting dilemma
Mothers of teenage boys share their experiences of parenting in an era where social media plays a dominant role in shaping their children’s perceptions and behaviours. With constant exposure to anything and everything under the sun, how open are their sons to candid conversations about relationships, masculinity, and emotional well-being?
Anupama Dalal
“As a mother, I would say that I am significantly involved in both my sons’ lives, and we share a level of comfort when discussing personal and romantic relationships. While they do open up to me, I have to admit that it is only partially—I try to guide them to the best of my ability based on my own life experiences.
I have noticed that in today’s world, external appearance often takes precedence over inner character. There is constant pressure to prove oneself. Teenage boys, in particular, experience this pressure, feeling the need to appear masculine and behave in a certain way to fit in. In my understanding and experience, this not only leads to immature behaviour but also pushes them toward making poor decisions simply to meet societal expectations that are being set by social media.”
Simran Bajaj [name changed]
“As a mother to two teenage boys, I make a conscious effort to initiate conversations about relationships and the opposite gender. With no other female figures in the house, it’s crucial they understand the nuances of female existence.
I have no hesitation in addressing topics openly—when my elder son turned 18, I directly asked if he was still a virgin. It is no secret that teenage sex exists, and if one finds the right person, it is a natural part of growing up. However, sex comes with emotional complexities, and it is crucial to channel those feelings properly for a healthy mind-set.
I think that communication barriers between parents and children have grown, largely due to gadgets and online access to friends beyond school hours. Secret meetings, surprise birthday plans—everything is meticulously coordinated with friends. All they seem to need is cash or a credit card. Some are even financially independent, making parental oversight more challenging. As a mother, I worry about their safety and the people they interact with. But hovering too much or helicopter parenting has its own drawbacks. It’s a conundrum.”
What is Adolescence?
Adolescence takes a deep dive into 13-year-old Jamie’s immersion in incel communities and the toxic world of social media bullying. Pic/Youtube@Netflix
Adolescence, which premièred on Netflix just last week, is a British crime drama miniseries created by Jack Thorne and Stephen Graham. Directed by Philip Barantini, the four-part series delves into the turbulent realities of teenage life, exposing the influence of online subcultures and the far-reaching impact of digital spaces on young minds.
At the heart of the story is 13-year-old Jamie Miller, who is arrested for the murder of his classmate, Katie Leonard. As the case unfolds, the series examines Jamie’s relationships with those around him, most notably, his father, Eddie Miller and his therapist, Briony Ariston.
The narrative takes a deep dive into Jamie’s immersion in incel communities and the toxic world of social media bullying, offering a chilling exploration of youth radicalisation in this digital age. While Jamie’s story isn’t based on a single real life incident, the creators have said that it was influenced by a handful of real-life reports of young boys involved in knife crimes in the United Kingdom.
***According to Cambridge Dictionary, an incel is a member of a group of people on the Internet who are unable to find sexual partners despite wanting them, and express hate towards people whom they blame for this.
‘When fathers or male role models exhibit toxic masculinity, boys may grow up emotionally detached’
Dr Zirak Marker, child, adolescent and family Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist
Boys begin to show fleeting interest in romance during early adolescence, typically between 10 and 24, though maturity varies for each child,” notes Dr Zirak Marker, a child, adolescent and family Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist.
He notes that exposure to social media, movies, TV shows, and peer interactions can introduce relationship dynamics, often in ways that are not age-appropriate. No wonder Australia, in a first for the world, has approved a social media ban for children aged under 16 “Parenting also plays a crucial role,” says Marker. “If children grow up in households where parents have unhealthy relationships and involve them in fights or abuse, they develop skewed perceptions of what a “normal” relationship should be,” he explains.
Toxic masculinity, he notes, reinforces harmful male role expectations that prioritise strength and dominance over vulnerability and empathy. “When fathers or male role models exhibit toxic masculinity, boys may grow up emotionally detached, aggressive, or violent toward women. They struggle with rejection, conflict, or breakups and feel a need to assert dominance,” he notes. “This intolerance often extends to strong, successful, or vocal women and can also lead to homophobia, misogyny, and resistance to gender equality.”
“There have been instances in my experience in counselling sessions, when adolescent boys sometimes expressed troubling and upsetting beliefs such as, ‘Our girlfriends like aggression’, ‘girls in our school sleep around’, and ‘they need to be taught a lesson because they keep dumping us’. Such statements reflect a growing trend of intolerance, impulsiveness, disrespect, and emotional detachment,” he shares.
For parents, Marker suggests—“Resolve family conflicts or marital discord with professional guidance and intervention by trained mental health professionals. Try to be healthy role models for your children. Be vulnerable, gentle, emotional, teary, open and honest with them”.
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