'Arre Dikuna men, damn tuff it is to sing trough dese blessed masks, chhe'
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV guy, showed up at my doorstep wearing a Santa cap and a mask.
ADVERTISEMENT
“Arre Dikuna men, damn tuff it is to sing trough dese blessed masks, chhe,” he announced, randomly.
“Uhm hello Theo… why not just take off de mask.”
“Arre no men, Bossie, dis is not private singing in de shower, got it? See, whachyoucall, I am part of a Christmas carol group, we are made up of all de parishes in de Virar area, including from one church in Mulund, and one in Bayendar. We sing as a group, going from colony to colony, and cooperative societies… it is a quire (choir), like, six dames and tree gents, total nine peepul, all contributions we give to an orphanage near our place only.”
“Sounds nice and Xmasy, what seems to be the problem then?”
“Wot to say, trying to ‘armonise in dese times of de dashed virus… so many bleeding problems chhe!”
“What kind of problems, Theo bro?”
“Fust tings fust, try singing wid a mask covering your nose and mouth, you sound like dose kidnappers in movies aksing for de ransom.
Arrey, dere’s dis one mad Protestant dame we ’ave, from de next parish, Desdemona Dagma DaGama her name is, she is damn paranoid of dis Omnicrown… she wears one disposable mask, den on top of dat one N95 mask, and de icing on de cake is dat plastic visor, and den full blue PPE suit, she wears, bleddy looks like Dart Vader. ’Ow we’ll all sing in unison wen you can’t bleddy ’ear udders singing trough masks? Den dese duffers want to keep six-feet distance… tell me ’ow a choir can keep six feets gap between everyone? Den when you’re trying to sing in ’armony and dese blinking truck horns are being blown, damn irritating ya! Last night… we are singing ‘Ark the Herald Angels Sing...’ and dis bleeding rich kid is ‘bajaoing’ his horn of de BMW… took us two minutes to get from ‘Ark de herald angels sing…’ to ‘Glory to de new born king!’ Den everyday, blessed Metro drilling going on, deafening men! How we’ll explain to de Almighty dat we are shouting all his carols and hymns?”
As Lobo Lobo took a pause to remove his mask and wipe his face, I couldn’t help but notice his nose was red like Rudolph the reindeer.
“Theo... uhm have you been uhm drinking?”
“Yeah men, finished one full quorter Old Monk dis morning only.”
“I understand the Christmas spirit and all, but drinking in the day...,” I began.
“Arrey don’t lecture please, Bossie. Dere’s solid tenshun widdin de group, especially two of de dames! One of dem is my better ’alf, Myrtle… she is a very good singer, like dat Ella Fitzgerald—she was de best in de group till recently one young beautiful singer has joined us, her good name is Magdalena Madonna Gonsalves from Bayendar. Only, her voice is like combo of Mariah and Whitney, oh foe, when she sings na, de hair on my hand and head stands men, what a soprano voice! Pure, crystal clear! My Myrtle is bleddy ‘J’ men!”
“J, whats ‘J’?” I asked.
“Jealous, what else! She says, ‘Rascal, you look at dis Madonna de same way you looked at me, when I sang at de parish zonals 25 years ago!’ She tinks I have eyes for Magdalena. Ooof… now I have all domestic issues to deal wid plus trying to sing trough a mask… chhe!”
“I can understand your problems, Lobo Lobo.”
“Men, Dikuna, I tell you, dis virus has trown everyting in total chaos. Arrey so much so, I tink Santa Claus should rename his seven reindeers as COVID, Corona, Sars, Mucus, Delta, Covishield and Omicrom!”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
Subscribe today by clicking the link and stay updated with the latest news!" Click here!
