See Dikuna men, as you well know, full Bombay is being dug up like anyting, every single road, byelane, galli-goochie, bridge and highway has been dug up, dis time like no udder time, fully
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over in a wheelchair, looking like an Egyptian mummy—
ADVERTISEMENT
“Uhm Lobo Lobo, I’m guessing you got hurt.”
“No Dikuna men, I kaali-peeli like to wear dese bandages!” he retorted painfully.
“I meant, you’re bandaged from head to toe, but on different parts of your body—what happened did you fall down, did you trip, did something hit you, did you lose balance?”
“All of de abuv, Dikuna men,” he said, with difficulty.
“Hmmm care to explain?” He stretched, groaned, with effort.
“See Dikuna men, as you well know, full Bombay is being dug up like anyting, every single road, byelane, galli-goochie, bridge and highway has been dug up, dis time like no udder time, fully. Wot tod-phod has happened… same bleddy road dat was totlly fine fie monts ago, now dey find it needs to be repaired. One party digs up, den two-two guys jump in and do naam ke vaaste repairs, den dey leave, den one udder party is brought in to cover up de mess and keep all de rubble side of de road, anudder party has to take it away, and yet anudder party has to make new road. Dere is always one bulldozer in de way, not allowing traffic to pass, or dose ‘ellow signboards. Our beautiful city has never looked so blinking ugly… chhe!”
“Yes Mumbai city resembles a war zone at the moment,” I said.
“Arre bugger, dere are craters, cracks, ditches, dust, mud, dug up tar, trenches, pavement blocks piled up, iron roads sticking out, underground tunnels, open manholes, rubble lying all over, you shout at one worker and tell to him, ‘Eh hello, BMC, yeh bleddy road tum last meina kiya kitna paisa kayega?’ He looks back at me and says, ‘Uncle, hum BMC nahin hai, hum MTNL hai, telephone cables daal raha hai’. It is like a relay system, except one guy finishes, and the next guy hasn’t shown up, and you don’t know who to point fingers at—BMC, Bharat Gas, MTNL, Adani-Badani.”
“But, it doesn’t explain why you have these sporadic bandages all over your anatomy, Lobo Lobo.”
“See men, each of dese injuries, is from a different part of de city, I have marked it accordingly— I have got injured on every road, and galli, I know every nook and crankey, where the road, is dug up, destroyed, where dere is waterproofing work, where dey are laying telephone cables, water pipes, piped gas, different body parts got broked in different different places.”
“So, you didn’t just have one mishap?”
“You’re joking o wot? See my neck is in plaster, dat happened when I fell into a open ditch in Kandivali East, den nudder day I was riding my bike down Sion Koliwadi dey had not put a sign dat one way is closed, so I bindaas drove and phat-karke dhaaaam I toh fell, bike on side, me on de udder side. Den at Jogeshwari, dere is a shot cut dat I take off de highway. Two days ago, road was dug up, den it was covered up, next day I went down dere and dere was anudder ditch… I went into de khadda, straight. Den Juhu Galli na, whole gully is dug up--all my fingers got broked in different different parts of Juhu Galli.See boss, I can tell you every single road in Mumbai, wot is state of road repair—I am de Goggle map of road repair. De Goggle Map.”
“And how did your head injury happen?”
“I was riding in Mahim (pronounced Maim)—opposite dat Victoria Church, passing by de funeral parlour, Michael Pinto & Associates, you know Michael Pinto na… dey have dese very humorous messages. So, dere only, I fell into one open manhole. I’m lying dere and Michael Pinto comes out, he’s my dad’s brudders fust cuzzin from his mudders side, he says to me jokingly, ‘Ah Lobo how you men..are you hurt…?’”
“Yes, of course,” I said “So he tells me, ‘Can’t help you just now, but when you drop dead, be sure to drop in!’ and he went off laughing to himself.”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
Subscribe today by clicking the link and stay updated with the latest news!" Click here!
