As the pandemic stretches on, mothers, who are experiencing burnout, are learning to feel less guilty about choosing self-love over parenting
Shalvi Mangaokar Biswas, who founded a business two months after her baby was born, says that when she feels guilty for not spending enough time with her daughter, she just cries her heart out
In Sex and the City 2, actress Cynthia Nixon’s character Miranda gets Kristin Davis, who plays Charlotte, tipsy, before she confesses that she enjoyed leaving her kids behind in New York and coming to Abu Dhabi for a vacation. In between sobs, she also admits to feeling guilty for saying it out loud. Indian mums seem to be facing a similar conundrum in the pandemic, with many struggling to balance their hectic work schedule and new role, as full-time mothers.
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Many of them are now taking to platforms like Facebook and Instagram to proclaim that it’s okay to “want time away from our kids” and to focus on their careers, self-love, and self-growth.
Mom to a teen, Mansi Zaveri, says that she wakes up every day earlier than her kids, so she can use that time to read
Take the case of Shalvi Mangaokar Biswas, who started a whole new business two months after having a baby. The content creator and co-founder of The Mill, a content solutions agency, is now mother to Snitika, who is five months old. “It has been super hectic, and it may work only because I have a strong support system. I have a work atmosphere, where we don’t work after 7 pm,” says the 29-year-old, but adds, “Sometimes I am just looking at the clock, and my little one, really hoping she goes to sleep.”
For Biswas, getting out of the house, after being under house arrest during her pregnancy, was important. She often heads off to the salon to get a head massage. “The mind gets foggy and I just need a break. The salon is like therapy.” She also has a fixed sleeping schedule for the baby, which is 10 pm daily, so that she can spend at least two hours on Netflix or read a book.
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Dr Ishinna B Sadana and Lamia B, clinical psychologist
But the stress, she admits, can be overwhelming. “I just cry it out. I feel relieved. And then I talk to my partner, who is always helpful when I wish to rid myself of guilt. He knows my career is important to me and has been supportive.”
A lot of research is now pointing to why mums need to take care of their emotional well-being. One study published in the Journal of Sleep Research said, “maternal clinical insomnia during COVID-19 more than doubled to 23 per cent during the pandemic, compared with only 11 per cent before the pandemic.” Another study published in The Lancet Psychiatry said that mothers suffering with depression have doubled since the pandemic started. This is because many have become main caregivers—they look after their studies and are also responsible for entertaining them.
Dr Ishinna B Sadana, parenting expert, with a PhD in Human Development, says that recently she has been speaking to many mothers, who are experiencing burnout, because the time they usually had for themselves, which was the time the kids went to school, doesn’t exist anymore. “We used to use that time for work, chores, and even self care. All planning has gone out of the window. I have a five-year-old, and for a long time, I didn’t even know how to schedule my day anymore,” says Sadana. Her solution is very practical—to create a routine, and to know that the routine is there to help, and not stress one out.
“Add self-care to the routine; also if the routine is causing stress, tweak it. Most mothers want to cram their time with something to do and being productive. That doesn’t have to be the norm. If you are spending only four hours with your child, make them happy, and not stressful.”
Mansi Zaveri, founder of parenting website KidsStopPress, and a mother to two daughters, one 13 and another 19, says that parents like her are facing 100 per cent burnout, as they are not just looking after their kids, but their parents or in-laws as well. “I went for a girls trip in February, and now, I am getting up earlier than usual, so that I can read something other than a children’s book. You have to focus on your own personal growth.” But it must all start with acceptance. Some mothers don’t accept that they are burnt out, and end up projecting the low on to the child, says clinical psychologist Lamia B. “They have become helicopter mums, and are too involved in their child’s life. They also have headaches, are irritable and not keeping well. In our cultural context, it’s hard for them to disconnect, as they may be called bad mothers.”
Lamia says the best way to deal with the guilt is to reconnect with yourself (see box) instead of disconnect. “Mothers should let that judgemental voice [inside their head] take a backseat. Even if it is as simple as listening to a song you love, do it.”
How to reconnect with yourself
. Go for a girls’ night out with your friends
. Read that book you want to finish
. Go for a date night with your partner
. If you are a single mum, get on a dating app
. Make self-care a part of your everyday routine
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