Summary survey report on Planet 3

Here’s the bad news—to an alien sent to survey our planet, human beings would seem to be a minor species that appeared recently but believes it owns everything

As tasked, I present below my report on the status of Planet 3, tagged as Rock #1794046 in our records. It is the third celestial object orbiting Sun #8011. The survey has taken a while, close to 87 orbits of this planet around its sun. That’s a long time, spent mainly mastering the languages and cultures of the resident species.

Approaching Planet 3, also known as Earth, I noted that it was surrounded by a dense swarm of orbiting garbage from abandoned spacecraft and space missions. I counted 128 million bits of junk smaller than 1 cm, about 9,00,000 under 10 cm and 34,000 larger than 10 cm. They included dead animals, cans of a drink called Coke, gloves, pieces of Lego and large crystals of what I ascertained was urine.

Planet 3’s surface used to be entirely water when it formed 4.6 billion years ago. Bits of land began popping up about 3.2 billion years ago, with the first chunk emerging in the area known now as Jharkhand. Currently, about 71 per cent of the planet is still under water. These oceans, like the atmosphere, are covered with floating garbage, with one patch measuring 1.6 million sq km.

Since life on Planet 3 is carbon-based, I have calculated the carbon weight of its various life forms. This is the approved method for ascertaining a planet’s dominant life form, but trust me, it’s been no cakewalk evaluating 8.7 million species. 

It is safe to describe Earth as a microbial planet whose primary life forms are bacteria, fungi and viruses, contributing 93.2 Gigatons of carbon (Gt C). Only plants and trees, with 450 Gt C, are heavier. Animals, including those that fly, swim, crawl or walk, make up only about 2.6 Gt C of Earth’s carbon weight. You can’t not love microbes. They have existed since forever and are extremely clever about surviving all sorts of difficult times.

I’d like to focus on a minor species that appeared only 5 million years ago on this junk planet and contributes a mere 0.06 Gt C, a notch more than worms, rats and penguins. They call themselves humans and seem to believe the planet was created for their unfettered use and benefit. Though there are only about 8 billion of them (compared to, say, 20 quadrillion ants), they seem capable of and committed to killing off all the remaining species.

Unlike nearly all other life forms here, humans actively hunt each other, trying to kill as many as possible through events called wars, genocides, mass school shootings, collateral damage and others. Children practise for this through structured exercises called video games, which provide detailed instructions on killing methods.

Most humans believe that someone called God created them, keeps an eagle eye on them, will punish or reward their behaviour and has a specific plan for each one. They believe he lives in a place called heaven though no one has actually been there or seen God. Most people know about him through hearsay from third parties who have not seen God either. Nevertheless, there is general agreement that God looks human and is male. Some believe he is open to deals and can make wishes come true in return for cash donations. 

There is no consensus about God’s name and appearance. Unfortunately, such disagreements are usually settled by the stronger humans killing the weaker ones. Some people voluntarily blow themselves up, believing that this pleases their god.

Humans believe they can control each other’s thoughts. Parents try to control their children’s thoughts as rulers do their subjects’. They do this through thought-control institutions called schools as well as by banning books, movies and songs deemed to be inappropriate. There are also privately run global institutions called Facebook and Instagram that effectively control what people think and do. 

Almost all humans claim to cherish life but it is usually their own life. Males are particularly brutal towards females and their offspring. Children are psychologically damaged from an early age, used as free labour and sometimes even sold at high prices. Males try to control nearly everything about a woman, from what she wears, when she goes out and whether she may have babies.

This brings us to sex, the main mode of human reproduction. Humans enter the world through a space between the female’s lower limbs. This study notes that human males seem to spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in again, sometimes even violently (an act known as rape). Humans love watching others trying to reproduce, and documenting this is now one of the planet’s most profitable industries. 

I’ve not understood why humans consider it a major event each time their planet completes one revolution around their sun, and get all worked up. Everyone sets off firecrackers, gets very drunk, blows whistles, sings songs and goes batshit crazy. Needless to say, crimes, rapes, road accidents and unplanned pregnancies go through the roof.

Recommendation: Planet 3 is entering an extreme warming phase. While microbes will probably survive, humans are not expected to. Let’s colonise Saturn instead. It has nice rings.

Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com

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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper

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