“There’s something deeper, I feel that’s bothering you, Mr BA2, sir,” the shrink opined
Illustration/Uday Mohite
BA 2 aka IMD Man leant back on the couch, playing with his Maharaja mooch.
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“Uhm, your father King COVID the XIX, insists that I analyse you, see what makes you so angry!” the therapist said nervously.
“Dude, I’ll tell you what makes me furious. They’re calling me a ‘drop out’, ‘a sub gene drop out’, can you believe that! Who’re they to call me a ‘drop out’—I didn’t get a BA degree but so what… what’s a degree worth these days!”
“There’s something deeper, I feel that’s bothering you, Mr BA2, sir,” the shrink opined.
“I’ll tell you what really pisses me off, they refuse to give me my own name—the biggest insult is they’re calling me a ‘Omicron sub-variant’. They’re daring to call me a ‘sub- variant’ of that sub-standard half wit, my older brother, Omicron! I’m my own virus got it… my vision of destruction is so vast, that I’m a pandemic all on my own. Frankly Doc, this nonsense that’s been going on since March 2020, I refuse to tag along… no one remembers sequels… people only remember ‘Die Hard’… it’s always Yipee ki-yay from the original got it? Die Hard 2, 3, 4, naaaah! I’m an original... not a sequel, I’m not a mere episode, an add-on, a plus one, a significant other, I refuse to be an epilogue, an epitaph, the fine print—I demand a clean slate, a blank canvas to paint. That eldest brother of mine, ‘Alpha-Beta’, our dad, King COVID XIX, decided that he should be the first to wreak havoc, just cause he’s the eldest, okay, so he had a field day, no one knew what to expect.
You know who I really respect? Our second sibling, Delta, vicious little shit, he’s the only one who understands me, and he really is a mean one! When he lets fly, like last April… man that was fun… boom… when he attacked, that was Muhammed of Ghazni-like mayhem… that second wave… he got into peoples’ systems… they couldn’t breathe, desperate for oxygen, no hospital beds, leaving bodies in his wake. My third bro, bloody wimp, what kind of name is Omicron, always wanted to be the popular one, so he’s got that infectious quality, but he doesn’t want to ‘destroy’ people. ‘I won’t enter their lungs, no lower respiratory organs’ that goody two shoes tells my dad.”
“So what’s your plan, son?” the therapist asked.
BA 2 aka IMD Man took a deep menacing breath.
“I’m glad you asked. See dude, I’m the Black Sheep of the family, I tell you that second wife of King COVID XIX, she’s to blame for packing me off! Banishing me from the court of the COVID King.
I’m not some cheap Chinese product that emanates from a bat, no sirree, I’m proper European, capeesh? I’m a Great Dane! When my dad and my awful stepmother packed me off to Copenhagen, I found a Godmother there, name of Sars Von Trier—she understands my worth—she’s code-named me ‘Stealth’–now that’s a name, ‘Stealth’. Not some namby -pamby Omicron, or a Greek reject Alpha-Beta, I’m ‘Stealth’, man it’s so trippy that Sars Von Trier and I have figured how to outwit the RT-PCR test… we stand on the brink of destruction. When we strike, she and I, no one will forget us!”
“What should I tell your father?” the therapist enquired.
“Tell him, people are lining up to tell my story, I’ve already sold the copyright, to Pixar, they’re developing a web-based word game called ‘Health is stealth’, like Wordle, but more addictive. And someone called Ekta Kapoor called, she has a serial in mind… this one won’t be about me, but about my Godmother and her story.”
“What’s that to be titled?” the nervous therapist asked.
“Kyunki Sars Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi,’’ BA 2 concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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