When she lifted her mask for a second to converse, a fellow elevator-traveller said rudely, “Put it back on, young lady.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Man, Rahul bruh, I’m fed up, seriously done with this shit!” my 18-year-old neighbour, Natasha aka Nats said, randomly as we headed up in the elevator.
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When she lifted her mask for a second to converse, a fellow elevator-traveller said rudely, “Put it back on, young lady.”
“Djokovic hasn’t even been vaccinated, would you say the same thing to him! Chill, okay,” Nats snapped back.
“Why the temper, Nats?”
“Bruh, my bad, this ‘masked life’ is pissing me off! Trying to breathe and talk simultaneously, regurgitating the same breath… feel like a surgeon-cum-ghost, man… grrrrrrr-eeeew!”
“What’s ‘grrrrr-eeew’?” I asked.
“It’s anger (grrrr) plus bad breath (eeew)! We’re facing a lifetime of wearing masks, I can’t see people’s full faces. An entire conversation about pretty vital stuff, and all you hear is a muffled voice... you’re only relying on a person’s eyes for communication. Okay, so I went flat hunting last week…”
“You’re moving house?” I asked Nats.
“No bruh Rahul, chill, my sister and her annoying worse-half may be moving to Mumbai. Dude, I met five brokers who showed me over 40 flats… each guy giving me raag-pati, sales talk, fully masked up.
Here’s what I think of Mumbai brokers and their eyes…”
Natasha broke into an Eminem-style Hip Hop verse-
“Yo Brokers… with your slimy eyes, your seedy eyes
Your beady eyes, your greedy eyes
Your shifty eyes, your guiltless eyes
Your steely eyes, your unblinking eyes
‘Fishy eyes’, slippery eyes
Your scamster, shamster, smarmy eyes
‘Your built -up vs carpet area’ eyes
‘Oh you’re single?’ judgemental eyes
‘How much black and how much white?’ eyes
‘I’m a shark in a suit’ eyes
Yo Brokers, with your slimy eyes
“Nice rapping, though you’re being a bit harsh on brokers, yes Nats?” I said.
“Yeah may be I just a bit flat-hunting weary! Also for a woman, in this city, men come at you in all shapes and expressions—they come at you from all kinds of angles, and you can’t see their faces—how do you know good from bad? How do you know whom to trust?”
“I’m guessing all’s not kosher with uhm... Armaan?”
“He felt I was too intense, bruh, he’s taken off with a bimbette, an Insta-TikTok star. Again it’s all about ‘eye watching!” Shoulda kept my eye on him more, bro! Here’s my take on Mumbai men and their eyes.”
“Shrewd eyes, lewd eyes, dude eyes
Rude eyes, crude eyes,
‘he’s cute’ eyes, ‘he’s a brute’ eyes,
‘he gives me an acute headache’ eyes,
Chauvinist, chivalrous, show off, blow off eyes
Hipster, quipster, trickster eyes
Abusive, elusive, flirtatious eyes
Sugar daddy eyes, Brown sugar eyes, ‘I’m off sugar and carbs’ eyes
Cheapo eyes, creepo eyes, ‘despo’ eyes
‘Lets go dutch’ eyes, ‘Left my wallet at home’ eyes,
‘I’m bindaas’ eyes, ‘I’m badass’ eyes, ‘I’m a bad -boy’ eyes, ‘I’m a mama’s boy’ eyes,
‘I want you to mother me’ eyes,
‘I want you to first meet my mother’ eyes
‘I only want ‘dosti’ eyes’, ‘I’ll soon ‘ghost’ you’ eyes
Snooty eyes, dutiful eyes, booty-call eyes,
‘#MeToo’ eyes, two timing eyes
“Nats, I sense you’re a trifle pissed off—shall we change the topic? I have a request… in the Hip Hop tradition, do you have a verse for two years of this damn pandemic, Delta, Omicron etc?”
“Dude, it’s obvio I do! Here goes...”
Weepy eyes, sleepy eyes,
Haunted, daunted eyes
Bingeing eyes, wingeing eyes, cringing eyes
Caged, aged, enraged, disengaged, damaged eyes
Cowering, glowering eyes
Soulful eyes, mournful eyes, cold eyes, bold eyes, old eyes, tense eyes, dense eyes,
‘I’m lonely’ eyes
“Anyway, Bruh, you’ve depressed me enough. I’m off to Netflix for a bit… make some popcorn and watch a movie.”
“Which one, Nats?”
“Yeh Kaali Kaali Aankhen,” she concluded, giving me her
Halley’s Comet smile, with a wink.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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