The art of learning to respond involves learning to first validate your emotions and consequently, those of other people
We have often been told things like, ‘let it come in from one ear and go out through the other’ as a form of consolation to repress the negativity that an experience or an encounter brings us. representation pic
Today I want to write about what it means to have difficult conversations. Patriarchal conditioning has primed many of us, especially women, to avoid or steer clear of confrontation, because it has the potential to erupt into some form of violence, either physical or psychological. We rely on passive-aggressiveness as a default weapon to hint that we are upset about something without ever clearly naming the issue, passing on our nervous and tense energy onto the person who has caused us a grievance, expecting them to read our minds.
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This is how situations become toxic, because we allow micro-aggressions to pile up until they go nuclear and we implode, inevitably sabotaging our relationship not only with a loved one, but ourselves. Passive-aggressive behaviour implies skirting around a confrontation, being indirectly aggressive rather than directly so. I don’t think aggression in any form or manner should ever serve as an answer to any situation, because it can only escalate matters rather than diffusing them. I have worked really hard to become aware of how this mechanism manifests in my daily life and in my relationships. It hasn’t been easy, looking back on my own life to reflect on instances when I could have behaved better, could have responded with kindness instead of aggression, could have given the other person the benefit of the doubt. But doing the work has definitely made me a more empowered person, because I realise that in almost every situation I have a choice of responding instead of reacting. I have been trying to be less knee-jerk and more empathetic. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed.
It was at our marriage preparation course in Mumbai in January 2020 that, for the first time in my life, I was witness to a whole session dedicated to fighting. I’ve mentioned this before in my column, but I want to re-address it, because I felt the things I learned there, particularly the conflict-resolution strategies have been useful not only within the dynamics of my intimate relationship with my partner but in all my dealings with the people around me. It struck me then that the majority of us are so emotionally illiterate. I can say for sure that I have had to train myself to understand the range of my emotions, and it has taken so many years to also understand that I am not my emotions, that they are complexities that pass through me, that are felt as a form of alignment between my body and mind, and they can be invaluable cues that can help me navigate between my conscious and subconscious mind. Emotional hygiene is vital because it can help us to be kinder to ourselves, which is key in order to practise kindness towards others. Our conditioned impulse is to dismiss negative feelings, erase them as quickly as possible.
How often have we been told things like, ‘let it come in from one ear and go out through the other’ as a form of consolation to repress the negativity that an experience or an encounter brings us? In letting the remark casually pass through without sieving it, or intercepting it, we are supposed to protect ourselves from its sting. But what if, instead, we sat with the discomfort and thought about how a remark or a comment makes us feel? Once you begin to sit with your feelings, you start to practise a process of decoding them. Is this the general emotion you have when you are with a particular person, or is this a one-off thing? You start to examine who are the people around whom you feel you can most be yourself and who are the people in your life who actively make you feel insecure.
Learning to decipher your emotion is key to learning to confront their source. Because, instead of blaming the other person for your emotion, you can speak from the precipice of your emotion. Instead of saying ‘you make me feel humiliated’ you say ‘I feel hurt and humiliated when you do that’. And this slight shift in language causes the other person to feel just a bit less defensive, and that’s when meaningful and transformative conversation can happen. I won’t lie, it’s a lot easier to just brush something under the metaphorical carpet than confront it head-on using kindness and consideration, which is definitely the more labour-intensive strategy. But if you, as a person, are working towards fine-tuning your experience of joyful living, then this emotional literacy-based strategy is your best bet. It is a process, and it takes time to learn the right language, to not lash out at someone, to resist the impulse to simply react with a sarcastic comment. Learning to respond involves learning to first validate your emotions and consequently, those of another. I think of it as feminist fighting, an incredible counter to patriarchal aggression or socially conditioned passive aggression. It means that instead of coming ‘armed’ to a ‘battlefield’, you arrive at a table and do the opposite, disarm yourself and invite the other to do so, and communicate from the level of transparency.
Deliberating on the life and times of Everywoman, Rosalyn D’Mello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover. She tweets @RosaParx
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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.
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