"It is a vaccine dat protects me against all bad tings men. Against hate, and bigotry and kitpit from my wife and de smell of methi dat comes from my neighbour Champak Solanki’s kitchen."
Illustration/Uday Mohite
The other day, the doorbell rang and, in front of me stood an old man with a crutch.
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“Yes, may I help you,” I asked him.
The old man looked at me, his mouth quivering.
“Uhm hello, do I know you?” I asked this wrinkled octogenarian.
The old man looked back at me, then burst out laughing.
“Don’t recognise me or wot Dikuna men?”
“Lobo Lobo, is that you… why are you, uhm, looking so old?” I asked.
“Arrey. Don’t take tension men! Dis is not really me, I am in disguise .”
“So, who are you trying to be? What are you hiding from?”
“Dikuna men, of course it’s me. But, dis is me wid makeup. Old peepuls makeup,” said Lobo Lobo, entering my house. He took off his wig, similar to the kind of grey painted mops worn by characters in Ramsay brothers horror flicks.
“Where did you get all this?” I asked astonished.
“Arrey! We have a Maganlal Dresswalla-type shop in Virar. It has all dese wigs men, and my daughter has begun to do professional makeup, so she made me look like 80 years old.”
“But, why have you done all this?” I enquired.
“See Dikuna men! I know I look young, much much younger dan my 51 years. I have not done any botox, or nip tuck or plastic surgery to retain dese looks men.”
“But, why oh why, are you trying to look like an old man?”
Lobo Lobo’s voice lowered to a whisper, he looked around furtively.
“Dikuna men, don’t tell to anybody, I want to go for a vaccination. A COVID vaccine. Dat whacyioucall, Covaxin. But, de minimum age is 60 years old, na? And, even den, dey are prioritising aged people. So, I tought if I make myself look really old den I can slip into de queue, and get de COVID jab. Good idea no?”
“Do you, by any chance, have any of the comorbitities,” I enquired.
“Co what?” Lobo Lobo asked, confused.
“Comorbities,” I reiterated.
“No men. No serious health issues. See, Dikuna men. Don’t take tension. See, lemme explain. Dis whachyoucll, CoWin app for de Covaxin vaccine isn’t de only one being used men. Dere are udders, unofficial vaccines, not tested, not world famous, not 100 per cent reliable. Dey may work, but you have to be prepared men.”
“Prepared for what?”
“For uhm, certain side-effects.”
“Side effects? Tell me about some of these unofficial vaccines and their corresponding side effects.”
“Okay, Dikuna men. So, fust of all, dere is de CowMoo vaccine.”
“The CowMoo vaccine. Sounds scary.”
“See! Dis is a strain of de vaccine used on cows. If you take it, dere is a 55 per cent chance you could develop a ‘mooing’ sound, plus grow a pair of horns. Den, dere is a variant of CowMoo called CowSway.”
“Khao Swey, like the Burmese dish?” I asked.
“No men. Spelt CowSwey. Here, de only worry is you will have de same ‘mooing’ sound, but de vet warns you, you may grow a tail, which keeps swaying back and forth. Hence, de name CowSway. Dere are many udders.”
“So, which vaccine have you decided to take, Lobo Lobo?”
“See men, Dikuna. It is a vaccine dat protects me against all bad tings men. Against hate, and bigotry and kitpit from my wife and de smell of methi dat comes from my neighbour Champak Solanki’s kitchen. Dis is a very powerful vaccine. You get immune from everyting men. It is also freely available Dikuna men.”
“What is it called and where do you get it, Lobo Lobo?”
“The vaccine is called Coutto Feni and I buy it from Carvalho Wines, from down de road,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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