“Arrey Dikuna men, see see dese videos... see see,” as he planted his phone in front of my face. “Do you notice anyting odd, huh huh?”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo was at my doorstep looking quite bereft but showing ballistic intent. He kept watching videos of himself on his phone and yelling “What men bloody, I’m damn bald ragged, dis is blinking ridiculous!”
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It crossed my mind that my cable TV guy had lost it, but I put it down to the extreme heat.
“Lobo Lobo, why are you yelling at yourself?” I asked, cheerfully with a touch of concern.
“Arrey Dikuna men, see see dese videos... see see,” as he planted his phone in front of my face. “Do you notice anyting odd, huh huh?”
I looked at Lobo Lobo’s videos, something did seem off.
“Why are you wearing minister’s clothes and you’re saying some pretty weird stuff, something seems off.”
“Sumting seems off becoz sumting is off, men… dat is my face but dat is not me spiking and dose off course aren’t my clodes!” Lobo Lobo exclaimed.
“Whats going on Lobo Lobo?” I enquired, perplexed.
“Arrey Dikuna men, where to start chhe… our Local Assembly elecshins are commencing in some days, right?”
“That’s ok, but why are you dressed like a politician, are you entering politics. Lobo Lobo?”
Lobo Lobo took a deep breath.
“Yes men, I’m standing in dese polls... as an independent candidate!”
“You are what… did I hear right?”
“Yes men… I feel dat so many tings are going wrong in dat my side Virar… eshpechially among de young peeupls. Arre, bleddy dey have nowhere to play footer, we have one nice football ground, where all de boys and girls play, but in de udder open spaces… all aalu-faaltutings dese dose builder-politician lobby dey try and ‘kabzao’, we have one sports club… you know it has multi sports, and dose blighters want to make a shopping mall… shhay chhe… I want to make a difference, Dikuna men, give back to society.”
“So what’s standing in your way?”
“Arrey all dese people, my enemies, and oppositions, dey are trying to pull me down.”
“Who are these people, Lobo Lobo?”
“Arrey wot to tell, see dere are many independent candidates who also want to be MLAs... fust dere is one scounderel, his name is Picasso Pompidou Pimenta Pinto. One total pagal—rascal he is, he is into every type of racket dere is—den dere is one builder ruffian he’s toh cloak in glove wid Pagal Pinto, his name is Jandardhan (Jackie) Jagdambar Joshi, dey are total agenst me.
So dey have got togedder done all dis hanky panky AI Shay I. Dey have Photooshopped and morphed and made dese deep feku video tings, and dese fillums have been circulating all over de area and peepuls tink it is me speeking—how to tell dem that it is not men saying all dis rubbish tings—is it very frustrating men.”
“Yes, some of our Bollywood actors faced the same fate!”, I added.
“Ya dat dame… from South only, wassername, she was in Animal piccher, aah Rashmika Moneydena. Den Ameer Khan and also dat fallow who wears all dose absurd clodes, Deepika’s hubby, all of dem have been exssposedto dese deep feku videos …dey are all victims… all of dem have been falsely endorsing political parties!”
“Yes quite unfortunate,” I said
“I still cannot belive how dey’ve managed to tingao dese clodes on me, and add dose garlands, dey made me look like one corrupt mantri men… one of d0se sleazy buggers who make promises, ‘we’ll do dis and we’ll do dat and all day giv raag-pati’ and dey’ve made me into dis person, dis politician person.”
“Do you have a slogan..something that the people of Virar will remember you by? Maybe you can make a fresh series of videos”
“Arrey of course… I have a song also… my nephew, Daedalus is making one Insta reel with this catchy song—
I am Lobo. Lobo Lobo
From Virar West, I’m the best
I’m Lobo, I serve the ‘logon’
I’m your man, with a plan, I’m your fan
Gimme me your vote
Your finger, ink my name
Lobo Lobo
From Virar West, I’m the best
I’m Lobo, I serve the ‘logon’
I’m the best
I will not rest
And with that Lobo Lobo left, still screaming into this phone… “Ey shut up men!?” he shouted.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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