Sometimes I think I should just lie down and let the airport security staff pass my whole body through the X-ray machine
How many times must it rain before you never ever leave house without an umbrella? If you're like me, this question should make you frown. For most people, whether or not to take an umbrella is a day-by-day decision, based on the weather, the sky and season.
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However, since 23 December 2001, I have had to remove my shoes every time before entering an aircraft anywhere in the world. All it took was a single attempt by a one person to detonate an explosive device hidden in his shoe. Richard Colvin Reid, a Britisher, boarded American Airlines Flight 63 between Paris and Miami, with explosives packed into his footwear. He failed to detonate them and was sentenced to 110 years in prison - but boy, did he change aviation security forever.
He was not the first, of course. The 9/11 attacks on New York's Twin Towers by al Qaeda have permanently made air travel a hell of nearly haemmorhoidal proportions. The most excruciating moments in getting from point A to point B on the planet happen at the airport security check.
Earlier this month, at Bengaluru's shining, modern Kempegowda International Airport, boarding a plane back to Bangkok, I realised that the list of things that needed to be checked before you could enter an airplane had grown formidably, well beyond shoes. A sign at security check informed me that I'd have to remove the following items and individually pass them through the X-ray machine: laptops, iPads, mobiles, belt, trimmer, keys, hair dryer, purse, video camera, camera, headphones, wallet, overcoat, power bank charger, iron box, footwear and watch.
I briefly considered removing all my clothes and passing myself through the X-ray machine to save the poor fellows some time.
As usual, once I was properly seated inside the plane and taking off, with a glass of wine in my hand, I began to reflect on airport insecurity. Except for footwear, whose use as a weapon of mass destruction had been demonstrated by Reid, none of the other items on the checklist has ever been directly used to bring down an aircraft or hijack it, although I could readily see the inherent risk in them.
A woman could choke an air hostess by stuffing her purse down her throat.
You could try to flush your overcoat down the toilet and cause a flood.
I suppose headphones could be used to strangle someone.
You might be able to disfigure a pilot for life with the sharp end of a trimmer.
I think it might be possible to tickle a flight steward to death with some keys.
Just for heck, I began to Google to see how many potentially lethal weapons passengers might attempt to carry on board and wreak terror in the skies. You might have heard of murder by halitosis, but have you ever considered homicide with a toothbrush?
You should go for the eyes; the occipital lobe is only about 1/16 inch thick. With a firm push, the blunt end of a toothbrush would slide through the eye-jelly, penetrating the eggshell-like eye socket and entering the frontal lobe. "The key," explains one aficionado, "is to drive it in bristle-end first, as the nylon bristles will cut and tear flesh if driven in with enough force."
There's a Redditt discussion about the deadly toothpick. Apparently if you pushed a toothpick through the carotid artery of any airline staff, they would bleed to death. The artery, based in the neck, can be exposed by constricting the neck for a little while.
Someone suggests that just letting people know you're armed with a toothpick might be enough to make them run for cover. The same damage can be inflicted, though with greater chances of failure, with the pointed ends of a visiting card.
Ordinary nasal saline spray could blind any air hostess or pilot long enough to take over the flight controls. Just two fingers pressed into someone's back are indistinguishable from a loaded gun. If you gave me enough time, I could show you that a determined person could terrorise anyone with anything.
But here's the sweet part. Let's say, the airport security check evolves into a monstrous routine where every single item in your suitcase and person must be X-rayed. Let's say you have to report five hours before take-off time. You pass all the tests and finally, relieved and judged 100% safe, you board the plane.
About half-an-hour later, the airline itself will serve you several choice weapons of mass destruction, with a winning smile, along with the inflight meal service. Carefully wrapped in plastic, you will receive a knife, a fork, several spoons and many toothpicks.
If you're flying Business Class, they'll even be made of stainless steel.
Here, viewed from there. C Y Gopinath, in Bangkok, throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai, the city that raised him. You can reach him at cygopi@gmail.com Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com
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