The second coming

An increasing number of people are taking a leap of faith and plunging into marriage for the second time around, with approval and support from family members. FYI delves into their lives to understand what it takes to make a marriage work

National Award-winning actress Sonali Kulkarni married Nachiket Pantvaidya in a quiet ceremony in Pune last week. This is the second marriage for both of them.

While Sonali refused to comment on their previous marriages, she did say that she was very happy with her newly wed status.

Just one day after news of Sonali's wedding became public, media reports mentioned that Karambir Kang, General Manager of Taj Mahal Palace and Towers, married his college mate Priya Nagrani.

Matrimonial websites claim responsibility for arranging one or two second marriage weddings per week.

Counsellors confirm that the number of people seeking their advice before tying the knot for the second time has recently increased manifold.

More so, the fact that families and societies are becoming more accepting of re-marriage, makes the people involved more comfortable with the situation.

Once bitten, twice shy?

Media professional, Rupali Malhotra (name changed), who is getting married for the second time later this year, recalls how it was her parents who suggested she give marriage a second shot.

Needless to say, she was apprehensive about finding the right person. "I was slightly anxious about getting married again, but that was before I met my fiance.

Once we interacted with each other, I realised that we would get along just fine."

Rupali and her fiance had both been through messy divorces, but they've learnt to laugh at life together, which is what has strengthened their bond. "I think people look for different things at different points in their life.

What you look for in a partner when you're in your 20s is extremely different from what you might be looking for when you are in your 40s," says Rupali.

Maturity matters

According to psychologist Varkha Chulani, emotional maturity is especially key for a successful remarriage.
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"Don't allow yours or your spouse's past to interfere in the present. Be ready to take on problems as and when they come up and deal with them," she suggests.
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The most important thing, Chulani says, is to be clear about the relationship you are getting in to.
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Rupali and her fiance, for instance, are aware of each other's health problems and have seen each other through therapy sessions.

Big, happy family

Remarriage brings its own set of familial responsibilities. Even if you remarry, your love for your child from a previous marriage need not be compromised.

Rupali's fiance has a six-year-old son from his previous marriage. In order to understand the nitty-gritty of living together, the three of them have all attended counselling sessions together.

"Some of my friends find it strange that my fiance's son calls me by name, but I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm after all, as our counsellor said, a mother-like figure to him," says Rupali.

TV and film actor, Anant Jog had it much easier when he remarried two years ago.
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"After my divorce, it was my daughter who suggested that I get married again, because eventually she would get married and I'd get lonely," says Anant.

Now Anant, his wife, daughter, and ex-wife are all part of one big happy family.

"People find it surprising that when I got remarried, out of the three witnesses at the court, one was my ex-wife and the other was my daughter," says Jog, who credits the maturity of his family in balancing the potentially tricky equation.

Counselling helps

Not everybody is as mature as Anant's daughter, though. Only recently, Chulani recalls conducting a counselling session with a 70-year-old man and his entire family when he declared his decision to remarry.

"Indians are changing their perspective towards remarriage and the negative connotations are beginning to fade, but even now there are people who are worried about what people will say," says Chulani.

Pre-marriage counselling in the case of remarriage can be helpful believes Chulani. "Particularly, when there is a child from a previous marriage involved," she says.
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The counsellor helps find out if either partner has internalised certain faulty beliefs due to previous bad experiences, which can adversely impact the future of a relationship.

Look before you leap the second time

Make sure you allocate alone time together as a couple
Learn to compromise. Know that you can't have your way every time
Don't try to be a super-cool step-parent. Understand what role the child would like to see you inu00a0
Keep your sense of humour
Be honest
Don't ever put down your ex in front of the kids
Discuss money matters up-front before getting married
Learn from your pastu00a0
Resolve any issues from previous relationships

Celeb remarriages

Aamir Khan - Kiran Rao
Aamir Khan split from his wife of 15 years, Reena Dutta, before marrying Kiran Rao in December 2005. However, the three share an amiable relationship, and Reena has been spotted at every important occasion in Aamir's life, including the premiere of 3 Idiots and the recent demise of Aamir's father. Kiran, too, has been seen bonding with Aamir's children, Junaid and Ira, from his previous marriage.

Sanjay Dutt- Manyata Dutt
Sanjay Dutt married Manyata Dilnawaz Shaikh in 2008 in a ceremony held in Goa, amidst much controversy. Ever since, the two have put up a strong front in public, whether it was Manyata supporting Sanjay's political ambitions or him supporting Manyata during the time her ex-husband Meraj-ur-Rehman tried raking up a number of issues.

Demi Moore - Ashton Kutcher
Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis often poke fun at their family dynamic. This picture, taken in 2007, shows Moore and Kutcher snuggling up on the boat while Willis is fishing. Willis was quoted saying, "It's hard for people to understand, but we go on holidays together. Demi is the mother of my children and Ashton is the stepfather... I'm thrilled that Ashton turned out to be such a great guy."

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