‘I need to love me first’

Teenaa Kaur Pasricha set up her camera right before speaking with one of her potential marriage interests featured in the film

Kat gaya kya, ya hai [Have your breasts been removed, or do you still have them]?"

This is the first dialogue we hear in What if I Tell You (Agar Mein Kahu), a documentary by breast cancer survivor Teenaa Kaur Pasricha on her diagnosis and recovery. Pasricha talks about the confusion when she was asked this question, she narrates that she answered the question reflexively, "Yes they are, there," but then reflects about how damaging that question was as she sets off on her journey of self-discovery.

Pasricha's documentary is slated for release on a small scale in October, the month internationally marked for breast cancer awareness.

Paricha's parents have been featured in the documentary, a tough decision says the filmmaker

The 30-year-old Andheri resident was diagnosed in 2018. After surgery and a year of chemotherapy, she was declared cancer-free. But she began ruminating about it only during the COVID-induced lockdown, a period that spelled introspection and a reassessment of life for many. "I waited until things were open to the public; the shots you see of me in the hospital and the doctor speaking to me happened then. At the time, I was just trying to make sense of breast cancer as a disease. While trying to find these answers, I ended up finding me," she says.

The documentary is a raw, unfiltered look at the life of National Film Award winner Pasricha as she fights - and beats - cancer. It also features poignant moments from another daunting challenge in her life: finding love as a breast cancer survivor. It depicts Pasricha going about her treatment at Tata Memorial Centre's Advanced Centre for Treatment, Research and Education in Cancer (ACTREC) in Kharghar, blended with shots filmed by herself of interactions with her parents about her condition and three prospective marriage candidates, from Delhi, Ajmer (her hometown) and Mumbai.

The film touches upon how Pasricha reveals to each of the three suitors that she is a breast cancer survivor. "If you watch the movie, after I tell the men about the disease, I do not give any commentary. I just let the audience soak up what the reaction is - the good, the great and the not-so-great
ones," she says.

There's a poignant moment in the film when Pasricha cries into the camera, talking about loneliness and her wish to have a person to share her life with, but she admits that it can't just be anyone. Asked if she has found someone now, Pasricha quickly responds, "I do not regret meeting new people during my search for a partner, but now I am not doing much searching. I still want love, but have realised that I need to love me first."

These intimate shots of Pasricha's life are what make the film so powerful. Originally, though, the award-winning filmmaker had intended to stay firmly behind the camera. "In the beginning, I had no intention of being a part of the movie. But, when I tested it out with a few audiences, I was told that they wanted to see more of me. That is when the movie became more me than I had intended," she tells us over the phone. "To put myself in the movie was something I was very hesitant about, because it would also mean that I would have to get my parents to consent to be in it as well," she adds.

As a spiritual person, Pasricha wanted to address the connection between mind and body, and what happens when they lose sync, especially among women. "Most of us have a very superficial connection with our body. I wanted to talk to urban women who put in crazy work hours, build their careers but there is no "me", no relationship with ourselves. In fact, I don't even remember women in my life sitting and speaking about things that matter to us like, health, or any mention of this disease, and it made me wonder why that is," she adds.

One of the ways Pasricha seems to have found her connection is via a spiritual healer, Kala, who reads her energy and tells her that her body, especially her throat and her heart is not aligned with her soul. "I hadn't met Kala until I was diagnosed. I knew of her but it was when I began to go on this journey about knowing my body is when I met her and it helped me understand myself slightly more," she adds.

The documentary, which has found sponsorship from Bangladesh-based Dhaka DocLab and Bitchitra Collective in the US, will be entering the year-end film festival circuit as well.