New self-help book breaks down the concept of narcissism and how to recover from it in relationships

Ramani Durvasula

Narcissism is the word of our time, and yet it is deeply misunderstood," asserts Dr Ramani Durvasula. She unpacks the concept in her new book, It's Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People (Vermilion, Penguin Random House). Divided into two segments, the book first deals with recognising the recurring traits of a narcissist. Durvasula's examples from her experience - having worked as a clinical psychologist for more than two decades - support the patterns she sets out to list down.

Her separation of qualities like self-centredness or superficiality from a larger problem of narcissism in this segment is a valuable takeaway. It helps readers understand cases where narcissism exists in moderation, as such situations can be the toughest to identify. She states, "Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by manoeuvres like domination, manipulation and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control." Her main argument, therefore, centres on the idea that there is necessarily harm caused to those in a relationship with a narcissist - children of narcissistic parents, parents of narcissistic children and partners or friends of narcissists. She ascertains that the immediate effects of being in this kind of a relationship is the undermining of one's self-worth and a consistent hesitation to accept that the relationship stands
on abuse.

In the second segment of the book, she fractionates the healing process into several possible steps one can take to recover from the resultant trauma. This is ultimately the point of her book. She spends more time with this segment, without compromising on the significance of the first. Her idea of radical acceptance is the bridge that connects the two. It is the process of seeing the thing for what it is rather than what one thought it would be, or what one hopes it could be. Although it offers compelling approaches dismissing the trap of a one-size-fits-all, this segment could have been shorter. At times, it becomes repetitive. Having said that, Durvasula writes with lucidity which makes her work an easily navigable tour through complex ideas.

Self-help books cannot be the ultimate go-to guides, but they can tend the broken in times of need. Sometimes, recognising the abuse in relationships can be the first and most challenging step that one needs to take. Healing is the second. This book can be useful not only to those who are in extreme situations of narcissistic abuse, but also to the ones who are dealing with moderate amounts in everyday life or are beginning to see early signs of it.

AVAILABLE At leading bookstores and e-stores
COST Rs 899