The ones who got away

Mental health professionals are helping people who escaped COVID deal with the guilt of making it out of the darkness unscathed while those around them are at an emotional breaking point

I am pursuing a masters degree in counselling psychology from CHRIST, Bengaluru; right now, remotely. Until a month ago, my Instagram DM was flooded with messages from friends and acquaintances, seeking help with anxiety they were struggling with during the pandemic. I thought it ethically wrong to offer professional advice as a student, and offered them the contacts of mental health resources,” recollects Chennai resident Khushi Jain, 23. Dealing with a flood of messages every day and juggling her own personal commitments meant that she missed one message that came to her from a young man, who wanted advice on how he could encourage his father to put up a fight against the infection while he was in hospital. When she replied a few days later, she learnt he was no more. 

Jain wishes things had been different. The guilt she has been living with for having missed the chance to do her bit is one that millions across the world are grappling with. Are they doing enough to ease the suffering of others? Are they morally corrupt for enjoying a few hours of happiness of indulgence when so many around them have lost their lives? 

Khushi Jain is pursuing a masters degree in counselling psychology, so she received tonnes of messages on Instagram asking for tips on mental  well-being. She carries the guilt of missing one text from a boy, who was seeking advice for his father in the ICU. By the time she replied, he had passed on

Before the Coronavirus pandemic struck, survivor’s guilt usually referred to those who had escaped a life-threatening situation like war, the Holocaust, plane hijacks or terror attacks. The condition is common among veterans and first responders. It refers to a feeling of remorse, sadness and personal responsibility. The person experiences relief at having got away from the traumatic experience, but concludes that they were somehow undeserving of it. In the post-pandemic world, it is being experienced by those who have managed to keep their job, stayed healthy or otherwise thrived. As of June 11, 37,85,748 people have lost their lives to Covid-19 globally, since the outbreak last year. In India alone, approximately 12.2 crore people have lost a means of livelihood. 

A report published by researchers at the University of Kent says, “Survivor’s guilt can result in a range of emotions, from shame to a sense of unworthiness or even anger. When emotions are not processed properly, they can impact our physical and mental health and cause depression, anxiety and physical illness. But, during a global public health crisis, no one should feel bad for being healthy or able to continue working.”

Grace D’Souza observed the breakdown of health and social infrastructure as people pleaded for oxygen and hospital beds on social media, and families queued up at the crematorium, waiting for their turn for hours in the second wave of the pandemic. That her family had gone unscathed while her colleagues and friends grieved sat heavy on her

In mid-April, Shruti Buddhavarapu’s days in her Delhi home were a blur of nausea and medication. What bothered this 29-year-old the most during her Covid-19 recovery was the deteriorating condition of a close friend’s mother. “When aunty and I were both diagnosed with the virus, we were sort of sailing in the same boat. But as days went by, my condition improved, hers didn’t. So while I sailed through, she didn’t make it.” 

Also Read: Mumbai woman steps up to donate breast milk and nurse Covid-19 orphans

Before the pandemic, Buddhavarapu, who has overcome Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), had been suffering from health anxiety. Due to this, she was being extremely cautious. Even during her wedding in July 2020, she chose to invite only eight guests, avoid all social gatherings and met only her family and in-laws. 

Dr Zirak Marker

Despite being careful, she contracted the virus in April this year. “During the second wave, I think everyone knew some 30 people in their network of contacts who were positive. Everyone has their own journey in and out of Covid-19. Some feel better very quickly, others take time, and a few never recover. So, the ones who feel fine, also battle with guilt. It’s not their fault that they fought the virus,” she adds.

Dr Zirak Marker, child and adolescent psychiatrist, thinks that survivor’s guilt stems from a place of immense empathy for those who have been less fortunate. “When you have a high level of empathy, you put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see how they are feeling, even if not related to you. Last year, Covid-19 seemed like a distant enemy. But now, its hitting home, and hitting hard.”

Dr Kersi Chavda

Buddhavarapu agrees. She is a writing coach and says being empathetic comes with her job. “I tend to match my energy with someone else’s. It doesn’t feel right for me to be happy when someone else isn’t.” 
 
Mumbai resident Grace D’Souza has managed her public relations job from home right through the pandemic. Like everyone else, the first few months were spent trying to make sense of the new circumstance. “When WFH started last year, I was quite happy. I live in Naigaon, so I ended up saving three tiring hours of commute every day to my office in Saki Naka. I wasn’t scared of getting infected since my education in microbiology made me aware of transmission methods; I was very cautious.” But for her too, the second wave was a wakeup call. “I will not forget the day a 35-year-old friend passed away, leaving behind a three-year-old daughter and pregnant wife. The entire family was stunned; my mother was weeping. It was then that I went ahead and ordered a pulse oximeter for the first time. Somehow, that device seemed to provide a reassurance that I’d know if my family was healthy,” D’Souza says.

The second wave hit India mid-March this year, and infections spiralled out of control, hitting 4,00,000 daily cases by April 30.
 
Dr Marker says, “I have been counselling kids who have lost one or both parents in the pandemic. A child, who is about 10 years old, lost his mum. I think it was in the third session that he broke down and said he wishes Covid-19 had taken his father instead. The mother was his primary caregiver, helping him not just emotionally but with journals, projects and school. A father is the fun parent for kids his age. Guilt plays out differently in children. This boy is carrying the burden; it’s more than normal for him to think this way.”

The burden D’Souza carries is of observing the breakdown of health and social infrastructure as people pleaded for oxygen and hospital beds on social media, and families queued up at the crematorium waiting for their turn for hours. “We had pulled through without much damage while my friends and colleagues were grieving,” she says. 

By mid-April, D’Souza moved with her family to Kanyakumari, where her grandmother lives. “It seemed like the right call to take because Mumbai’s caseload was exploding and health infrastructure seemed unable to cope. Our native place was green, we had separate living spaces, the pollution was lower and the food, fresh. The cases were also fewer.” But, D’souza’s father got detected with the virus and suffered 35 per cent lung damage. This made her wonder if travelling was the right call. “I was riddled with ‘what if?’” The day this writer interviewed D’Souza, her father had been moved out of the ICU after nine days. 
 
Actor-producer Pooja Bhatt was among the first few celebrities to talk about survivor’s guilt. She took to Twitter to share, “Anyone else feeling survivors guilt? I certainly am. Each death I hear of is like a hard blow. The system has failed us and how. The political class has blood on their hands. For not preparing. For sending out a message that ‘all is well’. For leaving us to fend for ourselves.”

Psychologists who are seeing clients grapple with this problem, are advising them to turn their guilt into gratitude. Dr Kersi Chavda, consultant psychiatrist with PD Hinduja Hospital, Mahim, says, “Instead of blaming yourself, it’s better to face the reality and feel and express the gratitude. It is not easy, but one must practice it every day. Express your thanks with friends and family. We have been suggesting that those facing this emotion must seek therapy.” Dr Chavda recalls an incident that involved a ward boy at a hospital, who had been working through the pandemic. His grandfather got sick and died. While the reports ruled out Covid-19 as reason for death, he thought he may have transmitted the virus to his aged grandfather. “He was ridden with guilt and couldn’t emerge out of it. Finally, we had to put him on medication,” Dr Chavda explains.

Experts say that the only effective way out of this predicament is to be understanding of others’ grief, but also your own. Buddhavarapu and her husband have been donating to as many Covid-19 relief initiatives as possible. From helping organising beds to procuring oxygen cylinders and out of stock medicines, they are chipping in as and when they can. This has brought them some relief, they say. Jain, too, has learned to be prompt with her responses on Instagram. She tries to connect those seeking help with the right mental health professionals, who can offer effective advice and at the right time. It’s her way of pitching in to “help the suffering end sooner”. 

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