Meal with a deal

From fining dad for talking about Covid-19 to using prompt cards to discuss one’s innermost thoughts, families are looking at dinner table conversations to reconnect with each other

What meal best represents the different stages of your life? What’s your fondest memory as a child? What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?

No, you are not sitting in a therapy session. You are sitting at the dinner table in your own home, surrounded by the people who you have spent over a year with, in the pandemic. 

Last month, psychotherapist and researcher Rhea Gandhi suggested that her chef husband Yash Rajpal, who runs the delivery kitchen Milliways Inc, include prompt cards with his food deliveries. She felt it would encourage meaningful conversations over dinner.

“I took inspiration from conversation prompt cards by School of Life [a London-based organisation built to promote calmer, more resilient and self-aware lives through various channels like therapy, videos and ideas] that I use for my clients, when they are struggling to open up. That is how I knew their effectiveness. The key is not to get through them, but rather flow with it,” says Gandhi.

Whether it is people living in a traditional joint family, youngsters living away from their hometowns in cities with flatmates, or couples in a nuclear family, our greatest activities have revolved around food, and people do enjoy eating together. “Usually, families know how to manage conflict within their own environment. They have their way of dealing with heated conversations, and we have to give them credit for maintaining equilibrium and balance,” says Gandhi.

The questions are designed to not be confessional, but help stir memories and feelings. Her reason, she says, was personal. “Inevitably, Yash and I would end up talking about Covid-19 with everybody. I was experiencing fatigue myself. My work also involves dealing with clients who are directly affected by it, so I wanted my dinner table conversations to be different.”

She admits that it’s a challenge to create new, positive memories. “But, we must remember that we have had a whole life before this pandemic hit us,” says Gandhi. 

mid-day eavesdropped on three families to hear how their dining table talk has changed in the past year.

‘Get fined for discussing the C-word’

Being at home 24x7 does not mean a family spends all the time together. At Juhi Agarwal’s home, breakfast and dinner is family time. “We are not allowed to have these two meals in our rooms, and it is an opportunity to connect,” says the 28-year-old.

At 28-year-old Juhi Agarwal’s home, breakfast and dinner is family time. They are not allowed to have these two meals in their rooms

In the first few months of the lockdown in 2020, this exercise became cumbersome as each day the discussion only revolved around the pandemic and the lockdown. “That is when we made a rule: Rs 100 fine for even mentioning the word Covid, and R200 for skipping breakfast. The latter was to ensure that staying up late night and binge-watching a show was no excuse to skip family time,” says Agarwal. She adds, “My parents are also working, and it is the only time we get to interact with each other and catch up on our lives.”

Her mother usually buys food items for the delivery runners. The funds they collect from the fines go to that cause. 

Agarwal’s family even gave the prompt cards a shot. “I came back with the learning that parents are special. Before the lockdown, we hardly spent two or three dinners together in a week. We have all been able to share a lot of our personal lives, especially feeling low at work. Opening up can be therapeutic. We have all lost people we know to Covid-19 and that is frustrating. This has been an opportunity to truly connect,” says Agarwal. It’s not like there are no differences or arguments in the family. “But, the discussions are what help us understand where we all are placed, and enables us to express our individuality and thoughts,” Agarwal admits.

‘Hummus brought us together’

When the pandemic hit Mumbai and the city went into lockdown in March 2020, there was only one topic on the dinner table at the Jotwanis: Covid-19. “In the beginning, there was a flurry of information and while my 26-year-old sister and I were lapping up everything we read on social media, my parents were following television news. Our main discussion was about, ‘What if it hit our family?’” says Aniket Jotwani.

At the Jotwani residence in Bandra, schedules are arranged in  a way that all members are able to take a lunch break at 1 pm, and have dinner by 8 pm. Pic/Shadab Khan

While Jotwani is a competitive examination tutor, his sister teaches Hindustani Classical music, and mother, Mathematics. His father runs a soft skills training centre for Apple. For long, the family has had the tradition of having dinner together. “In the lockdown, we’ve organised our schedules to be able to take a lunch break at 1 pm, and have dinner by 8 pm. After the initial months of intensely discussing the pandemic, talks around Covid-19 tapered down. Then it moved to shows we had watched and books we were reading. The lockdown makes it feel like we are living the same day over and over again,” Jotwani says. To ensure work from home is smooth for everyone, Jotwani sits at the dining table, his mother in the hall, and his sister in her bedroom. “Helping mum set up online lectures, and hearing my sister teach more students over the screen was heartening,” he says. “What really brought us together was food. I started cooking in the last one year. We grew up in Kuwait and Middle Eastern food has been our favourite. One day, we tried making classics like hummus and falafel. That meal was a walk down memory lane. It was different from the stack of look-alike days.”

‘With each conversation, we evolve as a family’

Sanjana Dedhia

Twenty-seven-year-old Sanjana Dedhia spent four years in New York, first as a student of marketing and then, as an employee at an agency. When the pandemic hit, she packed her bags and took the first flight home. Her pregnant sister, who has been married seven years, also moved in with her husband both as they wanted to be with the family during the pandemic. “This is the first time in years that the entire family is living under one roof, again,” Dedhia shares. When she moved abroad, she was in her early 20s. “Living alone made me independent and brought me face to face with adulting. When I was growing up, our opinions didn’t matter much. But today, we take collective decisions as a family, and it is a process—to be heard, and to understand what my parents want as well.”

Every evening, when their grandmother sits for her meal, they join her at the table. “It is the time all of us are able to take collective decisions, be it the vaccine, health updates and mostly, discussing my sister’s pregnancy needs.”  Soon after, they disperse to their respective rooms. “Sometimes, discussions get heaty, I’ll admit. But, we stay away from the general news topics as much as possible. Both my parents had caught the virus, and the news is upsetting. Everyone is processing a lot and the lockdown does affect our temperaments,” says Dedhia. 

But, it is nice to be home during this time, she says, adding, “I feel like my personality has changed since I was here last, and I am learning to embrace my individuality and keep peace between generations. When would I have got the time to work on it?” she asks. 

Her mother Meena is on cloud nine to have both her girls home. “As an Indian homemaker, my life revolved around them. I felt lost when my daughters moved out to pursue their dreams. It happened quickly, with one settling abroad after her marriage and the other going away to study,” says Meena. “They have changed so much. Conversations are easy flowing and I can see that my girls have found their unique voice. It has been a great time, but it still comes with challenges of respecting their space and independence, which is new to me. With each conversation, we evolve as a family,” she says.

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