I sensed a new boyfriend had come and gone, because she came over more annoyed than usual.
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Natasha aka Nats, my 19-year-old neighbour, hadn’t been in touch for awhile— but she was pissed off. How did I know? There was much banging (utensils), much head banging (loud metal music) and shouting (to herself).
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I sensed a new boyfriend had come and gone, because she came over more annoyed than usual.
“Dude Rahul, I need some espresso…”, she said. “You have Spotify? Put on your heavy metal playlist to calm me down!”
“You’ve been away, Natasha,” I said, “Long time no see.”
“Been busy.”
“Were you ‘ghosting’ me’, I asked.
“Not ‘ghosting bro’, just broke up with my new boyfriend, real ‘rando’ dude!”
“Why so pissed, sistah,” I said, trying to be cool.
“Please don’t call me ‘sistah’, bruh!”
“Whateves,” I countered, “So why so filled with rage?”
“What can I say! This last guy who thought he was Nick Krygios, wearing this stupid red cap, strutting around and talking animatedly to himself, started shouting at me.
I’m thinking, ‘Dude, I’m done with men thinking they can lord over me’. That’s why I left Hoshiarpur; to get away from my Jackass judgemental Jijaji… don’t need any more aggravation from guys masquerading as emancipated, deep down really just pathetic MCs!”
“Why were you with desi Nick Krygios in the first place?” I enquired.
“What to do… I’m attracted to bad boys… at first they seem badass, then I realise that they’re broken, so I try fixing them, then I realise that bad boys don’t really need fixing, or shrinks, they just need their daily fix of mothering and a couple of tight ‘thappads’… then you’re having to deal with their bad tempered, bullshit, their mental brutality. I’m done, dude, I’m done.”
“Maybe you’re just meeting the wrong guys?”
“You think, duh bruh?” (Eye roll)
“Anyway, you can’t be this angry over a guy, there’s gotta be more, right?”
“Yeah, there’s other shit that’s bothering me.”
“Such as?”
“Man, this constant focus on non-issues in our nation...makes me mad… relentless smokescreens!”
“Non issues like what?”
“Oh man, the list is long, just take all this hullabaloo about the old national symbol vs the new one.” (Double eye roll)
“Ah that…s o what’s your main grouse?”
“I’m pissed off.”
“That I can see, but what about?”
“Man, focus on issues inside Parliament, not what’s on the roof… enough already… bruh. The earlier statues were calm lions, meditative chilled out, kind of friendly… like all four of them had been to Igatpuri for ten days.”
“Right.”
“Now the lions have been given these ferocious expressions, snarling, like full on ‘Nat Geo chasing the deer’…grrrrrrr!”
“Where’s this headed, Natasha, what’s your point?” Nats paused.
“Why, Rahul bruh… why oh why didn’t they make them lionesses… why not four lionesss! You go through all that hard work, you don’t just change an expression—smile to snarl... repose to roar… dudes, sculptors, you had an opportunity… if you want to go through all that trouble of changing an institution that’s been there since 1950, even further back, then go for one that’s all inclusive!”
“Right so you would want four lionesses instead of four lions.”
“Duh dude yeah… and with four separate expressions, all you males have one collective look… same look different day, you guys wanna look ferocious… alpha male… self-important. We women are different, fifty shades of grey matter.”
“So what would you have liked?”
“Rahul, it’s us women... we have so many more gradations, yes… sure, we can snarl… but we do it with a sunny disposition, we can be smouldering, sarcastic.”
“You can say that again!”
“Don’t know why we are called Mother India, when we’re so male dominated as a country. (Pause) Anyway gotta bounce… I just came to say bye.”
“Where you headed?” I asked.
“Need to do some meditation, clear my head, off to Igatpuri for some Vipassana”
“Ah ok, see you back in 10 days”
“No dude, I’ll be back in five.”
“Isn’t Vipassana uhm for 10 days?”
“Yeah I know, but I only need five days. I’m a woman, right? We need half the time than men to do anything… later dude.”
(Scowl masquerading as smile).
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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