“I have made de first blockbuster spectacle of my new career, it is called PushPirate Mr Cool… got it, PushPirate Mr Cool.”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo stomped over to my home, he was dressed in the most overdone, over-attired, over-made up “get up” one had ever seen.
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‘Uhm Lobo Lobo… what’s the scene, you seem awfully over, uhm, where are you coming from, who are youexactly? What is this?”
Lobo Lobo stared at me through blood shot eyes, he thundered in a deep voice—
“Uhn excuse me Mr Gentlemen, I will appreciate you don’t call me Lobo Lobo… I am not some ordinary person, got it? I am a fan of Allu Arjun sir, I am now a South movie star, in fact I’m a Goan legend, I am Leopard Lion, you may refer to me as my screen name, Leopard Lion.”
“Uhmmm, ok Lobo, sorry Leopard Lion, can you explain?”
“I have made de first blockbuster spectacle of my new career, it is called PushPirate Mr Cool… got it, PushPirate Mr Cool.”
“So, Mr uhm Pushpa cum Pirate… what’s the significance of the title?”
“PushPirate is my character, based on Allu Arjun and my dat my udder idol, Johny Deep… dat Sparrow Arrow, from Caribeen… I have combinded de two people in one...so PushPirate to make one Mr Cool.”
“Whats the story… can you share the plot line?”
“So my hero played by me, is meant to be one bigwig smuggler type… I’m a smuggler of cashews… my ships, wot I mean is PushPirate Mr Cool’s ships travel all over India, and outside India, SS Calangoot, SS Candolim, SS Balchao, SS Xacuti and SS Vindaloo they sail, up on the deck are barrels filled with cashew, but inside down is hidden Cashew Feni, got it na?
See men, I’m like dat wassisnamre, Robin Hood type chappie, I’m taking from de rich and giving to de poor and downtrodden.”
“Wow, so you have a social message too.”
“I have one antagonist, de villain, he is one policeman, whos name is Sub Inspector Roko—his main role is to stop me, by hooks or crooks, my film is one cat and mouse game... solid action.”
“And Lob, sorry, Leopard Lion, so your movie, PushPirate Mr Cool, you have pirate vs policeman, smuggler vs SP… I’m sure you have an item number?”
“Off cuss Mr Dikuna Men, how you can have big big film widout an item number—Dis number one hit song, is written by AR Rehman—dese are de lyrics
Don’t be cashew, don’t be cashew, don’t be cashew
Don’t be feni, don’t be feni, don’t be feni
Main hoon PushPirate
Mr Cool
Don’t be fool, don’t be fool, don’t be fool
Cashew cashew cashew cashew cashew
Mr Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool
Try to catch me, catch me, match me
I’m PushPirate Mr Cool
I will make you de fool
“So who will be the dancer, is it a special appearance, Sunny Leone, or some other hot lady,” I asked, transfixed.
“Vikrant Massey,” he said
‘Hum, Lob—sorry, Leopard Lion, but how can it be Vikrant Massey? He’s a man, plus he’s retired, sorry he’s recalibrating, sorry he’s on a break… is he coming out of retirement to dance for your film?”
“Uhm Mr Dikuna men, he’s dere but not dere in de item number.”
“Meaning… it’s a guest appearance?”
“No no, he’s not dere only.”
“So, it’s an invisible appearance?”
“No men, well kind of… it’s like a hologram…projected on the screen.”
“So it’s a male item number… is that a first.”
“No men, you’re not getting only, it’s not a male item number, Vikrant Massey will be dancing as a hologram.
Anyways, I’m now onto my next movie, Mr Dikunamen, it’s also a smuggling story… in de opening shot a huge carton is seen outside a port in Tokyo, de movie is called ‘Amar Akbar Adani’,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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