'You should in fact aks me what makes me ‘appy and my answer is nutting, got it, nutting makes me ‘appy…'
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician came over looking mighty unhappy.
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‘Why so serious, Lobo Lobo?”, I asked
‘Dikuna men… dis is not my ‘serious’ expression, got it… in fact dis is my ‘unhappy’ look, can’t you mek out… it is totally different from my ‘serious’ look!”
“Okay, so what makes you so unhappy to warrant such an expression?”
“You should in fact aks me what makes me ‘appy and my answer is nutting, got it, nutting makes me ‘appy…”
“That is truly sad to hear!”
“Akshully one ting makes me ‘appy and dat is I am not alone in my feelings…? One billion peepuls feel de same way as me, men!”
“How so Lobo Lobo… I don’t fully get you!”
‘Arre Dikuna men, you read de papers o wot… we, dat is India is de one tirty sixt unhappiest countryee in de world…as per de 2022 World Happiness Report…can you believe…136th …so depressing to hear!!!’ How can we be so low as to be de 136th Happiest Nation in de world..dat too out of oni 146 countries!”
“Yes, Lobo Lobo that is indeed an unfortunate statistic.”
“Arrey baba you’re telling to me dat Pakistan is ‘appier dan us, chhe, we dropped a missile into dere country and still dere ‘appier dan India. Wot it means men… how can our Dushman no. 1 be more ‘kush’ dan us, tell me Dikuna men?”
Lobo Lobo was just getting started.
“My better -half Myrtle and dat doofus son of mine, Ronaldo, are doing kit kit in my ears to migrate to Finland… five times in a row dey are de happiest nation..sumting must be speshal about dem Finnish people.
An’ den Iceland… dey are number tree on de list… how can dose Icelandic peepuls be jumping for joy in de snow… bleddy freezing temperatures… See I follow dat Swizzerland is ‘appy, dey are at number four… full full day dey mus be eating dose chockies… one day Lind, nex day bleddy Toblerone… and tird day Kit Kat, of coss dey’ll be overjoyed na!… and den dey go skiing-weeing in de Himalyas!”
“Alps”, I corrected.
“Ok ok same difference, a mountain is a mountain men, don’t show off dat your geography is so good! Arre, I aks and pliss to tell me, ‘ow Isrel can be so ‘appy men? Dey are a war torn blinkin country, year after year dey are bombing and being bombed, exchanging fire wid dose Palestinians, and still dey have de time to answer a questionnaire and dey land up nint on de list… 9th bossie, Isrel is ninth!… it is crazy!”
Lobo Lobo had a point, as he got madder and redder in the face.
‘Tell me more, my friend”
“ Iran and Iraq are bot ahead of us, chhe!
Ukraine, bleedin’ Ukraine at number 108… Dere are bombs going off in Kyiv, men… Russia has destroyed dere country, as dey go tru de worst crisis in dere histry, and lo and behold, 108th!… …I agree we ‘ave real problems, but tankfully we don’t ‘ave war on our streets…! But still dey are 28 places above us in de list!”
“108h out of 146, doesn’t make them happy, Lobo Lobo”
“Dikuna men, anyone above us is ‘appier dan us, got it?”
I had to concede he was right. Lobo Lobo went quiet
‘Why so serious suddenly, Lobo Lobo”, I asked.
“Dikuna men, dis is my sad look! I should be ‘appy dat we are not at de bottom of de totem pole of happy nations”
“So why aren’t you happy Lobo Lobo?”
“Because I see who’s last–it’s Afghanistan! I would have been trilled if it was Russia, China, or North Korea… any of de world bullies should have brought up de rear! But Afghanistan even wid de USA pulling out after 20 years, de damage and de scars are everlasting. Nutting can be sadder dan being the saddest nation in de world”, he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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