I love you. Let’s start a start-up

India has the world’s lowest divorce rate—but all it means is that Indian men and women are trapped in tedious, loveless, angry relationships they don’t dare to break free from

They’ve been married for, oh, over two decades. That’s my guess. He’s in his early 50s, she a few years younger. They’ve ordered drinks and food at a Michelin-starred restaurant and now she’s pulled out her mobile phone and is doomscrolling. He covertly scopes out the other tables, checking out pretty younger women who probably wouldn’t give him a second look. Soon enough, his phone also emerges and he disappears into his rabbit hole.

This is not fiction. Every time I’m at a restaurant, I see such couples, all victims of “long, happy marriages”. Their conversations are over, and there are no more surprises. Their children left the nest recently but the magic left long ago. He’s not yet retired, she’s not yet menopaused. He finds her routinely predictable, even boring. She will never tell him she still gets compliments from younger men.

One day some Gen Z reporter will interview them about the secrets of a long and happy marriage. They will both pretend to have one and smile for the camera.

The myth is that Indians, especially women, are the world’s best at sustaining relationships. This apparently explains why India has the world’s lowest divorce rate, 1 per cent. For all those who think this is more proof that we are the greatest, here are some numbers. 

One in three Indian women has experienced physical violence from her marriage partner. Every day between 2016 and 2020, 20 Indians committed suicide because of marriage-related issues—that’s 37,600 suicides caused by marriage. Indian reality is tired couples with nothing left to talk about, staying together because of the stigma of divorce, her economic dependence on him, and besides, what will everyone say?

No wonder most marriages seem to lose their shine and glow soon after the fantasy wedding in Phuket or Istanbul, quickly becoming cages for tedious, loveless and angry couples who now lead their own separate lives. Some of them now see through the charade of wedlock and understand that what human beings need is not marriage but a human connection called a relationship.

I know a clutch of happy couples who found that human connection and became close friends, finding contentment and fulfilment with each other as they aged. I want to share some of their unexpected and counter-intuitive wisdom.

1. Make the relationship the goal, not the marriage. You can get married in a day, but even a lifetime is not enough for a relationship. Indian society values marriage more than the relationship, treating the event as more important than the quality of life and love that follows it. Too many young men and women are paying a heavy price for believing this. Marriage should be the irrelevant by-product of a 
great relationship.

2. How happy you are together depends on how often you get out of each other’s way. The pandemic showed us relentlessly that human beings grow desperate and vicious if they are cooped up together for too long. But married couples are expected to be inextricably intertwined forever and ever, despite their many divergent discrepancies. She likes having people over, he likes a quiet home; he sleeps early, she’s a night owl. He likes to cook; she loves restaurant-hopping. Letting each other have their own space and life, it seems, is a great way to enjoy the moments when you come together.

3. Have your own bedrooms. Shocking advice, right? If you’re married, it’s sacrilege not to sleep on the same bed. But human beings are chaotic and peripatetic in bed. They sprawl, fight over blankets, fart and belch, snore and read late, keeping the lamp on. Sleeping alone, says second-time husband and friend Shyam Ramanna, gives you a night of great sleep. It also ensures that sleeping together is a conscious, mutual choice, driven by an overwhelming need for a serious cuddle.

4. Do keep secrets from each other. Not the infidelity kind. The best couples don’t feel the need to share every detail of their days and lives with each other. They’re not texting each other around the clock. They don’t treat each other like emotional ATMs. Secrets make a person more mysterious and enigmatic—and more interesting to be around.

5. Don’t pretend you don’t find other people attractive. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you won’t occasionally find something about another man or woman attractive. You might even fantasise a little. The couple that can share such thoughts without feeling threatened or insecure is in a great place.

My late brother,  who was widowed after a short marriage, once said that marriage is the only legally binding relationship that two people enter without reading the fine print. When divorce happens, though, all that’s left is the fine print. 

So don’t take anything for granted. Follow the rules of two companies coming together. Integrate your finances, don’t expect everything to be shared 50-50 and support each other in taking risks. Read the other person’s fine print and expect it to change unpredictably throughout your lives.

Don’t think of it as a merger. The best relationships are start-ups.

You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com
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The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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