Sorabh Pant’s resolution retorts

The anti-critic jots down some critical notes on why not to break New Year resolutions

The anti-critic jots down some critical notes on why not to break New Year resolutions

1 Hit The Gym or else...

>> You'll have a body less like Aamir Khan from Ghajini and more like Rajni from er... Rajni. (Rajni is God, but definitely not Glutes, the God of Gymansium.)u00a0
>> Your partner will finally discover there's nothing sexy about a beer belly, unless you're yellow, a cartoon character and your surname is Simpson.
>> At some point a co-worker will hit you with the idiotic line, "Looks like someone has been working outu00e2u0080u00a6 with a box of rasgullas."

2 Stop smoking or else...

>> Your mouth will end up looking like those "Cautionary Pictures" on foreign cigarette boxes.
>>u00a0 Even SRK will refuse to invite you for his parties (that is if he does invite you in which case I wish you burn like the butt of a Classic Menthol you hip smoker)
>> While flirting with you, women will refer to "Cancer" less as a star sign guess and more as a prediction.

3 Stop drinking or else...

>> You'll greet everyone on 2010 New Years Eve with not only the wrong date, but even the wrong event u00e2u0080u0094 and on a horse with Christmas lights.
>> Your bloated liver shall be donated to a Scottish bagpiper. Seriously, what do you think they make pipes out of? It's bloated livers of people drunk on Scotch.
>> one of the Bhatts will eventually make a movie 'inspired' by your life.

4 Save money or else...

>>u00a0 Your old guitar, that red ganji and your croaky voice may be the investments for your future career: as a minstrel for a seeng channa waala.
>>u00a0 Your growth rate will be 1/7th of the country's i.e. that of the U.S.
>>u00a0 That box of Monopoly money will suddenly seem like your wisest investment.

6 Learn That Something New You've Been Wanting To Learn Since 2002 or else...

>> You'll eventually land up using that old guitar as a tennis racket.
>>u00a0 By the time your kids are all grown up you wont have anything cool to teach them, except stapling and collating Excel sheets.
>> You'll continue to be filled with wonderment at how Pritam can play the guitar and sing at the same time (while also breathing, plagiarising and digesting lots of food).u00a0

5 Spend more time with family or else...

>> Sachin Tendulkar will break the glass window in your car, office or house because your bratty son uses celebrities to cause you grave injuries for not playing cricket with him in the middle of a work day.
>>u00a0 You'll eventually become one of those people who frequently quotes from: "Who will cry when you die", "The Last Lecture' and "Baghban".
>>u00a0 Your image of a perfect family will involve Isha Koppikar singing to Sonu Sood as a dog or pigeon tries to look cute sitting on Dadiji's shoulder or lap, while Alok Nath cries about something absolutely irrelevant to everyone except himself. And, that's just halfway there.