Raja Andhayug exploded with rage. “Calm down Your Highness. Tell me what happened,” Guru Tamasoma asked the king, stoically aware of his long-neglected anger management issues
A still from the film Ae Dil Hai Mushkil
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Raja Andhayug exploded with rage. “Calm down Your Highness. Tell me what happened,” Guru Tamasoma asked the king, stoically aware of his long-neglected anger management issues.
“Rani Shanti Devi is doing block booking of first-day-first-show for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil with all her friends, can you believe it? Is Karan Johar a Rajinikanth or what? When I told her she was disgustingly unpatriotic, she simply replied, ‘But I’m not taking you with my friends anyway, darling.’ I told her I will send my Aata Majhi Satakli Sena to burn the theatres, kidnap Karan Johar, put his ransom video on YouTube and stop the film. She just waved her movie tickets at me, gave me a flying kiss and sauntered off.
“Shameless wife, she is in a swoon over that Fawad Khan. When we have so many patriotic, six-pack-wala Khans in India, I don’t know why she has to go for that one Khan from a Neighbouring Country That Cannot Be Named. I checked her phone when she was bathing, and she and her friends have been forwarding a whatsapp message saying “8 Things About Fawad Khan That’ll Make You Want to Ditch Your Lover Right Now.” And Point No 3 says, “He’s taken. That just makes him even more desirable!”
“They are also forwarding a columnist’s tips on what Pakistanis love, and are rushing Fawad Khan a ‘love hamper’ via Dubai, to reach him by October 28, when Ae Dil Hai Mushkil is due to open, with Boroline, Khadi handmade soaps, pastel chikan embroidery material, FabIndia kurtas, Pudin Hara and Hajmola. Now we have 100% proof to go to the International Court of Love Jihad. I will get my Foreign Minister, as well as my Mohammad Akhlaq specialist, to first lynch this Fawad Khan and then slap an FIR on him. Why is Indian media giving so much coverage to Pakistani jihadi terrorists? Nobody can compete with Hindu Patriotic Jihadi Terrorists in Akhand Bharat. ‘Don’t angry me,’ I told the Queen.
“But the Queen only sneered and told me that India is ruled by goonda raj, that nobody listens to me. Chalo now, I’ll have to do some law-shaw ka natak to keep the Sataklis busy during Diwali week.
“Even then she was remorseless. ‘Do you read any papers or media at all?’ she asked, glaring. ‘The Quint has reported that Indo-Pakistan ties continue in many areas; Pakistan continues to be granted India’s Most Favoured Nation status; India’s exports to Pakistan are worth $2.2 billion and imports from Pakistan are worth $389 million. The Samjhauta Express from Delhi to Lahore still runs twice a week, as does the Sada-e-Sarhad peace bus service between India and Pakistan. India has also been playing Pakistan in the Hockey Men’s Asian Champions Trophy in Malaysia. And, anyway, innumerable peace-loving Indians will continue to love the Pakistani people, stars, musicians, Coke Studio Pakistan, food, fashions, and more. So why are you so jealous of one Fawad?’ she continued.
“Oh guruji, please stop our law minister from discussing a uniform civil code! We need to learn from their ulemas how to keep our wives in place by threatening them with triple talaq and four-four wives, otherwise they will all become like my wife.
“Now the Queen has taken me to court, demanding a divorce. I’m simply heartbroken. Ae dil hai mushkil.”
Meenakshi Shedde is South Asia Consultant to the Berlin Film Festival, award-winning critic, curator to festivals worldwide and journalist. Reach her at meenakshishedde@gmail.com
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