Though we like to believe ourselves to be a warm, welcoming bunch, we Indians are anything but. Foreigners, you’ve been warned
Jain community members perform a Maha Yagna in Bhopal. Jain teen Aradhana died earlier this month after fasting for 68 days during the holy period of Chaumasa. The fast was meant to usher in good fortune for the family. Pic/AFP
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This is a public service announcement for any foreigner who intends to visit my country. I strongly urge you, my Caucasian brothers and sisters, to avoid criticising anything you see in our Incredible India.
If you happen to be dark-skinned, I strongly urge you to pick another country to visit altogether, preferably one that isn’t obsessed with fairness creams, because even though we like to think we are a warm, welcoming bunch of people, we are anything but. We are largely racist and may also try our best to relieve you of as much of your money as we can before you depart our polluted shores.
There are things you will see from the moment you land in India that may compel you to say something in protest. Smother those comments. If you are accompanied by fellow travellers from India on your flight, don’t argue about why they hog all available cabin baggage space, or why they refuse to keep their seatbelts on, or why they call relatives on their phones even while the airplane you are on is taxiing down the runway. They don’t care about your safety, and they truly believe their safety is in the hands of God. They won’t acknowledge your protests either, so don’t bother voicing those.
If you find that only three of the 50 immigrations counters at our airports are operating, it’s because overpromising is a part of our culture. We will promise you the moon and then give you a pair of counterfeit binoculars. Don’t complain about it. Wait in line patiently with hundred other exhausted travellers, including senior citizens and children, because this exercise will give you an idea about how your stay in the country might be. It will show you how we have to patiently wait for everything on a daily basis — buses, trains, running water, functional roads. Eventually, you will get used to it.
If the cabs outside refuse to take you to your destination or (if you happen to be a foreign tourist) cheat you during or at the end of your ride, don’t bother complaining about it. Our policemen will, in all likelihood, direct you to another police station to file a complaint saying your ride or the destination don’t fall under their jurisdiction. But don’t let it bother you. Even female victims of molestation find it difficult to be heard, let alone get their complaints registered at our police stations. So, learn to take something as mild as a robbery or fraud in your stride. It will stand you in good stead in the days ahead.
Don’t complain about the traffic snarls when you head into the city — even if your map says it should take you only 15 minutes to reach your destination. If you look up two hours later and find yourself only halfway to your destination, don’t bat an eyelid. Understand and accept the fact that we don’t believe in rules, and our governments don’t believe in proper roads. Use this time to meditate on why you chose to visit India in the first place.
When you check into your hotel room, avoid switching on the TV. Stay away from our news channels because they devote only one hour to actual news, reserving the remaining 23 hours for nonsensical raving.
If you see women being mistreated, children begging at road junctions or senior citizens trying to cross a street, don’t bother to help. Keep walking just the way we do.
This is what visitors to our country need to understand — we can’t take criticism because we are a thin-skinned race. We don’t value human lives as much as we value age-old practices, even if they have no place in this century. We don’t like the idea of questioning superstitions, rituals or traditions because we aren’t encouraged to ask questions. We grow up learning to accept things as they are because our parents were taught to do that too and they expect us to follow the same. This is why, in 2016, you will still read about religious practices which claim lives of children, without any fault of their own. It is also why the parents of these children will never apologise.
We refer to our country as Incredible India not because it’s a great place, but because it manages to survive in the 21st century despite the efforts of so many millions of our countrymen to drag it back to the medieval era. We refer to it as Incredible India because we can’t stand the fact that it is anything but. Our inability to look truth in the eye and admit the existence of any problem is what makes us incredible.
When he isn’t ranting about all things Mumbai, Lindsay Pereira can be almost sweet. He tweets @lindsaypereira. Send your feedback to mailbag@mid-day.com
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