Excerpts from Jiah Khan's 6-page suicide letter that details the troubles she faced in her love life.
"I don't know how to say this to you but I might as well now as I have nothing to lose. I have already lost everything.
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If you are reading this I might have already left or about to leave. I am broken inside. You might not know this but you have affected me deeply to a point where I have lost myself loving you. Yet you tortured me every day.
Photos: Bollywood stars visit Jiah Khan's residence
These days I see no light. I wake up not wanting to wake up. There was a time I saw my life with you, a future with you. But you shatter my dreams. I feel dead inside. I have never given so much of myself to someone or cared so much. You returned my love with cheating and lies. It didn’t matter how many gifts I gave you. Or how I beautiful I looked for you. I was scared of getting pregnant but I gave you myself completely.
The pain you have caused me everyday has destroyed every bit of me, destroyed my soul. I can’t eat or sleep or think or function. I am running away from everything. The career is not even worth it anymore. When I first met you I was driven, ambitious and disciplined. How I felt for you, a love I thought would bring out the best in me. I don’t know why destiny brought us together.
After all the pain, the rape, the abuse, the torture I have seen previously, I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t see any love or commitment from you. I just became increasingly scared that you would hurt me mentally or physically. Your life was about partying and women. Mine was you and my work. If I stay here, I will crave you and miss you. So I’m kissing my 10-year career and dreams goodbye! I never told you but I received a message about you.
About you cheating on me. You embarrassed me. I never want out, I never want with anyone else. I am a loyal person. I never met anyone with Kartik. I just wanted you to feel how you make me feel constantly. No other woman will ever give you as much as I did or love you as much as I did. I can write that in my blood.
Photos: Jiah Khan laid to rest
Things were looking up for me here but is it worth it when you constantly feel the pain of heartbreak when the person you love wants to abuse you or threaten to hit you or cheats on you telling other girls they are beautiful or throws you out of their house when you have nowhere to go and you have come to them out of love or when they lie to your face or they make you chase after them in their cars or disrespects their family. You never even met my sister. I bought your sister presents. You tore my soul. All I wanted was love.
I did everything for you. I was working for you but you were never my partner. My future is destroyed my happiness snatched away from me. I always wished the best for you, was ready to invest whatever little money I had in your betterment. You never appreciated my love, kicked me in the face. I have no confidence, self-esteem left whatever talent whatever ambition. You took it all away, you destroyed my life. You hurt me so much that I waited for you for ten days and you didn’t bother buying me something.
Photos: Jiah Khan - Snapshots from the past
The Goa trip was my birthday present but even after you cheated on me, I still spent on you. I aborted our baby when it hurt me deeply. You destroyed my Christmas and my birthday dinner when I came back. When I tried my hardest to make your birthday special, you chose to be away from me on Valentine’s Day. You promised once we make it to one year we would get engaged.
All you want in life is your partying, your women and your selfish motives. All I wanted was you and my happiness. You took both away from me. I spent money on you selflessly. You would laugh in my face when I would cry for you. I have nothing left in this world to live for after this. I wish you had loved me like I loved you. I had dreamt of our future. I dreamt of our success. I leave this place with nothing but broken dreams and empty promises. All I want now is go to sleep and never wake up again. I am nothing. I had everything. I felt so alone even when I was with you. You made me feel alone and vulnerable. I am so much more than this.”
Jiah’s letter submitted to the police by her mother Rabia Khan
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