As Queen Elizabeth II says goodbye to her spouse of seven decades, we speak to experts to discuss effectively coping with the impending death and loss of a long-term partner.
Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip were married in 1947. Pics/AFP
perts listOn April 9, Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh, breathed his last at Windsor Castle, aged 99. He and Queen Elizabeth II were married for 73 years. “The Queen’s former secretary, Charles Anson, told a magazine that she ought to have been prepared for her husband’s death, after years of health troubles. However stoic her demeanour might be in public in the days to come, the loss of a long-term partner isn’t an easy experience to navigate.
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Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip
Anticipating grief
Anson’s statement isn’t far-fetched, according to transpersonal psychotherapist and mind life coach Ameeta Sanghavi Shah. As people grow older, especially as health issues arise, they begin to confront the fragility of life. She adds that there are both practical and psychological aspects to coping. “When you’ve been with someone for many years, there is a dependency on them. If that is cut off, there’s a void. So, if you have been preparing for it, at least you’ll be aware of the practical tasks that need to be executed in the moment of loss; for instance, you’ll know who your go-to people are, and arrange for stay and finances,” she shares.
Moving through stages
Understanding the stages of grief will help you realise that the emotions you experience are universal. The first response to losing someone is shock and denial, no matter the level of preparedness, says Shah. “This is followed by panic, pain, guilt, fear and loneliness, before anger kicks in. Anger is an antidote that builds energy, and after this phase you move on to bargaining — with God or yourself. Depression can also arise before acceptance,” she adds.
Anindita Kundu
But these stages do not progress in a linear manner, asserts Anindita Kundu, trauma therapist and psychotherapist. “A part of who you are is also a part of who you are in a relationship. That relationship not existing in its physical form will impact you in a big way. But we can’t talk about grief without talking about the love that existed. Bringing that love into the picture is an integral part of healing,” Kundu says.
Coping and care
Grief isn’t the same for everyone either; a person who doesn’t have resources (financial, physical or social) may find it harder to cope. Spirituality, Shah stresses, can also help people cope. Romana Fernandes, who lost husband Anthony in 2019, concurs. Anthony passed away due to brain cancer, just a year shy of their silver jubilee. The 52-year-old man was working in Iran, but had to return to India as his health was failing, and he soon developed issues with speech and memory. “I was shocked, but I was hoping he’d become okay. He underwent an operation but post that, had only a few months to live,” she shares.
For the Mira Road-based homemaker, it was spirituality that helped her with grieving. “I realised I had to let go and leave everything in God’s hands. I have two children, and fortunately, my daughter completed her graduation just before he passed away and got a job with an airline. So, God ensured there was financial support,” she adds. Although one learns many things with time, Fernandes says that time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds. “I think it is best to first overcome this loss on your own before socialising and talking to others. Because then a few people will also comment on how you ‘got over’ this so early, and that hurts more than what you lost.”
Ameeta Sanghavi Shah
No deadline
Having conversations around grief, Kundu maintains, is imperative even though it is considered taboo in society. It is also important to remember that there is no timeline to it. The tricky part about grief is that it sneaks up on us when we least expect it to. “But eventually, this sneaking up won’t startle you anymore. It won’t leave you feeling, ‘Oh my God, this was a punch in my gut’. Instead, you’ll realise, ‘This hurt, but it’s no longer throwing me off.’”
Ways to cope
>> Remember that grief is not weakness. Shah asserts that it is human to go through; it would be rather robotic for one to not be grieving. “Treat it as an act of love. Every time you are experiencing grief, remind yourself that in a way, this stems from the love for yourself — because you’re concerned of how you’ll cope — and the love for the person you’re missing,” she adds.
>> Every day, dedicate five to 15 minutes to sit and recall your memories of the person, even if you are feeling fine and this exercise makes you cry. “Otherwise, you end up suppressing your emotions, and there will come a point when you won’t be able to control it any longer,” Shah says. The latter half of this practice, though, should be devoted to you thinking about how you can help yourself.
>> It may also help to think about what the deceased person would have wanted you to do. “We enforce conditions on ourselves. Like, ‘I can’t play cricket anymore because that’s what I played with my late spouse.’ For a limited time that’s okay. But then, pause and think about what they would want you to do if they truly loved you,” she shares.
>> Journalling is a good way to express and make sense of what you’re feeling. If life feels meaningless, Shah advises putting the exact words to paper, ie write ‘life feels meaningless.’
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