Love bombing: Experts warn against this toxic trait of extreme love from your partner

Receiving expensive gifts from your partner, being bombarded with love and showered with undivided attention are signs you are suffering from love bombing. This can be harmful to your love life and overall mental well-being, say relationship experts

We have the Indian cinema to blame. From ‘pehli nazar wala pyaar’, ‘aashiqui wala pyaar’ to ‘mai tumhare liye chand taare tod ke launga wala pyaar’, we have defined love by these ideal and unrealistic gestures. Is true love really about grand gestures and recital of constant ‘I love yous’? Certainly not. Dating and relationship pundits term such acts of constant bombardment of love, grand gestures, and showering of expensive gifts as ‘love bombing.’ 
 
Ruchi Ruuh, psychologist and relationship counsellor says, “The term ‘love bombing’ originated in the context of cults and manipulative relationships. It describes a manipulative tactic where excessive affection, attention, and compliments are used to gain control or influence over a person.” 
 
A person is made to feel special and desired with grand gestures like constant text messages, compliments, and extravagant gifts that seem inappropriate. It’s all done to hasten the process of trust and love. 
 
“The love-bombed person feels captivated and starts idealising the love-bomber, so much so that they feel that this is how the entire relationship is going to be. However, unfortunately, once the love bomber gains the desired control or emotional dependence from their partner, their behaviour may change dramatically. They may become distant, indifferent, or even abusive. This sudden shift can leave the partner confused, hurt, and vulnerable,” adds Ruuh.  
 
This was the case for 22-year-old Neha Awasti (name changed for privacy reasons). “He did everything for me, from the bare minimum to grand gestures. He would pay a surprise visit when I least expected it. He ensured I took my medicines on sick days. Even on days that we fought, he made up for it by showing up with a huge chocolate the next day. He took me out to my favourite restaurants. He would call me by cute names, and tell me that I am the first girl he plans on marrying. It was easy to fall for his actions that screamed love.”
 
Neha found out that her ex-partner was cheating on her for over a year in their two-year-long relationship. She says the reason he bombarded her with love was to win her trust and ensure she never once questioned his love. “He was manipulating me to think that he loved me. If we fought, he would blame me for it and I would be the one always apologising and crying. He made me think he was always logical and practical.”
 
Neha is no longer in a relationship with him but she says he still attempts to patch up. 
“The post-break-up phase is really hard. It’s like I’m trying to get off a drug. My brain craves his love even though I very well know that it was all a sham and I deserve better. There are days when I feel like going back to him and giving in to his ideas of trying again, but I step back and analyse my thoughts. I am taking time to cope and I am being easy on myself for making mistakes.” 
 
Hitesh Chakraworty, relationship expert and spiritual healer calls love bombing an unhealthy dating habit. He opines, “In a genuine loving relationship there is no need to make grand gestures simply to impress a partner. There are other healthy ways of expressing love. While love bombing initially appears positive and flattering, is not a healthy dating habit. It is manipulative and emotionally damaging as it aims to control and overwhelm the other person, blurring boundaries and creating a false sense of intimacy.” 
 
Identifying whether you are being love-bombed or not can be tricky. Both Ruuh and Chakraworty dive deep into the nitty-gritty of this toxic trait.  
 
Signs of love bombing
Ruuh lays down some key signs that indicate you are being love-bombed by your partner. 
 
1. Rapid progression of the relationship
The start of the relationship feels like a whirlwind. There is a talk of a future together, talks of exclusivity and commitment, and constant contact.
 
2. Feels like you are being chased
It feels like a hunt as the love bomber is constantly hunting for your time and attention. They pursue you relentlessly and start acting jealous and possessive.
 
3. Idealisation
There is a lot of idealisation in these situations. Love bombers have a special way of making you feel like you are in a perfect relationship by making ideal gestures, and it’s hard not to fall for it.
 
4. Isolation
They might want you to stop speaking to your friends or family. They do so to gain control over your thoughts and discourage you from sharing your experience with others. It’s only by isolation can they win over you completely.
 
5. Hot and cold behaviour
There is never any consistency in their behaviour. One day they will spend an entire day on the video call only to ghost you for the next few days. They may seem emotionally withdrawn or abusive suddenly.
 
6. Manipulation
Love bombing is full of lies, gaslighting, guilt-tripping and shaming.  You are made to feel bad for having a voice or autonomy.
 
7. You find excuses to justify their behaviour 
You see yourself compromising on your values and making excuses for their bad behaviour and abuse.
 
8. The relationship becomes an addiction
The entire relationship feels like an addiction. You feel euphoric when you get their attention and extreme disorientation or withdrawal when they pull away or act distant.
 
The root cause of love bombing someone 
There can be multiple factors at play here. Some might not even realise that their actions are leading to love bombing their partner.  
 
1. Fear of abandonment
The fear of being rejected or abandoned may drive someone to employ love bombing as a strategy to quickly escalate a connection and prevent the other person from leaving.
 
2. Insecurities
Individuals with low self-esteem might use love bombing as a way to seek validation and approval and feel good about themselves in the process.
 
3. Manipulation
In some cases, love bombing is a deliberate tactic employed to manipulate, and gain control over someone emotionally and create dependency.
 
4. Control
Love bombing can be a way for someone to assert control early in a relationship. By overwhelming the other person with affection, they may influence their thoughts and decisions.
 
However, some individuals may genuinely believe in expressing love strongly and quickly. It becomes a concern when these behaviours are disproportionate and lack sincerity, consistency and context.
 
Distinguishing between genuine love and hidden intent 
According to Chakraworty, “Differentiating between genuine gestures and love bombing can be challenging but observing the pace, consistency, and sincerity of actions over time can help. Genuine gestures are usually consistent, respectful of boundaries, and develop gradually, whereas love bombing tends to be intense, overwhelming, and lacks genuine depth. Further, one must observe the expectations of the other person, because if there is genuine love there won't be many expectations.” 
 
Here are some key signs of healthy expression of love:
 
1. Context: 
A genuine expression of love is typically proportional to the stage and depth of the relationship, while love bombing may feel excessive or rushed.
 
2. Consistency
Genuine gestures are consistent over time, reflecting a steady and authentic emotional connection. Whereas love bombing lacks continuity and has periods of hot and cold. 
 
3. Reciprocation
Healthy relationships involve mutual giving and receiving of love and affection. If one person is consistently showering the other with affection without it being reciprocated, it could be a sign of love bombing.
 
4. Respect for Boundaries: 
Genuine expressions of love involve respecting the other person's boundaries and comfort levels. Love bombing may involve pushing boundaries or disregarding the other person's need for space.
 
Negative impact of love bombing on the victim
Besides leading to confusion, dependency and low self-esteem, getting out of love bombing can be difficult due to the phenomenon known as ‘trauma bonding.’ Ruuh says, “Trauma bonding refers to a strong emotional connection that develops between a person and their partner, often in abusive or manipulative relationships.” 
 
Further, love bombing can negatively impact individuals by causing emotional exhaustion due to overwhelming affection. The rapid and intense emotional connection can lead to a loss of independence, and the manipulative nature of love bombing can erode trust, making it difficult to navigate future relationships. In extreme cases, it can lead to more harmful manipulation, contributing to long-term emotional distress.
 
The way out
1. Regularly express your feelings and expectations. Ensure both partners are on the same page about their emotional needs and desires.
 
2. Prioritise meaningful time together. Engage in activities that lead to connection and enjoyment.
 
3. Sustain gestures of love and appreciation consistently over time rather than in sporadic, intense bursts of affection.
 
4. Talk about shared goals in the relationship that contribute to the overall growth and strength of the relationship.
 
5. Introduce spontaneity and surprises into the relationship but in moderation. Make sure that these gestures match the comfort levels of both partners.
 
6. One must be aware of the signs of love bombing and acknowledge if the gestures seem disproportionate or insincere. 
 
7. Create space to reflect on the relationship with friends or in therapy. This reflection can shed light on the aspects you might be missing. 

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