They say I’m too possessive!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I have trust issues when it comes to relationships, and this always ruins everything even when I meet someone genuinely nice. It happens because of a bad break-up when I found out that an ex-boyfriend had been cheating on me for over two years. Since then, I am overly suspicious and don't allow anyone to get too close because of my fear of being hurt. I have been with three guys since, and the relationships have all ended because they say I am too possessive. What they don't understand is that I'm not trying to be possessive. I'm just always unsure of whether they are being honest about anything they are saying. I know it's unfair for me to do this, because it makes them feel like they are being watched, but I can't help myself. Even when I tell myself that I will trust them and let them be, part of me starts to worry that I am being lied to again. How will I ever have a long-term relationship built on trust if I can't break this habit? Please help.
You haven't been able to break this habit because you haven't moved on from the trauma of your break-up. This sounds like pop psychology though, which is why it is important that you consider meeting with a qualified therapist who can address your grief. You are aware of the problem, and the need for trust, both of which are important for you to work on yourself. Self-awareness should also come with the acknowledgement of pain, and the ability to forgive. You know your actions affect the people you are in relationships with, but you are also being hard on yourself when you don't let go of some aspect of control. Not everyone is the same, and not every relationship will end with someone lying to you. Recognising that take time, and I suggest you first process what you have been through before getting into another relationship. This may take a while, but it won't last forever.

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