I’m scared of who he used to be...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am engaged to a guy who I met in college. We didn't date at the time but knew each other quite well. After college, he and I were in relationships with different people and eventually met a few years later and rekindled our friendship. We began dating soon after and have been together for over two years now. I recently ran into another former classmate, who used to go out with him, and she told me some disturbing things about his behaviour when he was in a relationship with her. I confronted him and he said that he had changed a lot since that time. He acknowledged that he had behaved badly, but said it was not who he is anymore. I accepted that argument but am constantly afraid of what this means because, if this is who he really is, I don't know what to expect when we are married. I don't want to be trapped in a situation I can't get out of. Am I being paranoid?
You're making a decision about spending the rest of your life with someone so, no, you're not being paranoid. If you can't accept his explanation, you can always judge him by his actions. You are engaged, not married, and when you decide to go ahead depends entirely upon how and when you feel comfortable enough to do so. I suggest you ask for more time, until you feel as if you know him a lot better. Consider the possibility of going on a holiday with him and evaluating him in different settings. This may seem like a test, and can be aggravating to you both, but it is only when you feel comfortable enough that you will be able to commit more fully to the future of this relationship. Try and be transparent about how you feel too, because that will allow him to build trust with you. Ultimately, this boils down to how well the two of you know each other and are prepared to work together.

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