I feel like I am wasting my time

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a 43-year old man and have been having second thoughts about my marriage for the past couple of years. My wife and I had an arranged marriage and have been together for almost ten years, but it has never felt like a real marriage. We have two kids and love them both, but there is no real connection between us. She doesn't understand me, and I don't really know her even after all these years. I don't know when we stopped trying to get closer to each other, but it just felt like we had children and lived together as a couple because that is what we were expected to do. I don't know if this is like having a midlife crisis, but I can't seem to get the idea out of my head that I am wasting my life with her. Am I in need of therapy? Is this normal for someone in my situation? What should I do?
It's perfectly okay to have feelings of doubt or inadequacy irrespective of how long you have been with someone because genuine intimacy takes time, and you will know it when you have it. This sense of dissatisfaction doesn't have to be a sign of a midlife crisis though, nor is it unusual because a lot of people tend to question their partners. There are two specific things you can do, starting with telling your wife how you feel. You can't begin to figure out this relationship if you don't involve the other person in it. If she feels the same way, ask yourselves what you intend to do about it. Secondly, you can choose to speak to a therapist on your own or meet with one as a couple depending upon how your wife feels.

My girlfriend wants me to spend more on our dates than I am comfortable spending. Is this something I should set boundaries on?
Yes, being able to discuss financial issues is difficult, but always crucial for the well-being of any relationship.

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