His depression is worrying me...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a 26-year-old woman and have been in a relationship with a guy who struggles with depression all the time but never talks about it. I am aware of how severe it can be, but he always acts as if it is under control. He doesn't understand that when he is trying to cope with it, his behaviour towards me changes completely. He stops communicating, doesn't care about me or anyone else, and takes a few days to emerge and start behaving normally. I try and manage during these periods because I know it's hard for him, but I can't pretend as if it doesn't affect me. It also takes a toll on my mental health because I know that I can't rely on him during the days when he is in that dark place. How do we work around this? I don't want to end this relationship because I love him, but I also don't want this to become a permanent situation that I will have to ignore for the rest of my life.
You're right about the toll that depression can take, not just on your boyfriend but on people in his orbit. It's obvious that you both need help, for different reasons, because this may well be a lifelong condition that requires a combination of therapy and medication. The only person qualified to take that call is a professional, and you should both set up a consultation with one sooner rather than later. It's also possible that you may both have to make adjustments to accommodate the presence of this condition in your lives, but it's not an impossible scenario because depression is like any disease or condition that requires life changes to be made. If you want this relationship to work and are willing to accept that you don't have the coping mechanisms you need, speak to a professional and have that conversation. Talk to your boyfriend about this too, because this is something you will both have to work on together.

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