He wants us to live together...

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My boyfriend recently asked me to move in with him, and I refused, saying I would do that only if we got engaged. He says it is precisely because he wants this relationship to evolve that we should live together, and I don't know how to react. Since I refused, he is being distant, and I can sense that he is just rethinking everything about us. We love each other and I want to be with him, but I don't want to move in if I am not convinced it is good for us. I also don't want to feel as if I am being pressured into moving in because that may just cause more harm than good. What do I do?
You're right to not be coerced into doing something, and there is no point if you aren't comfortable with the idea because this can be damaging. Your boyfriend isn't seeing this from your perspective, and his ability to do so is also a stage of evolution in any relationship where both partners must develop a sense of empathy towards the other. If he can't understand your point of view and why you are hesitant, this is something you can both work together. It is only by identifying and resolving these conflicts that your relationship grows stronger. Ask for time as well as understanding. If and when he gets that, you may both be able to arrive at a compromise or, better still, a sense of where this relationship is headed.

I wonder if I am always too pessimistic about relationships, and if this gets in the way of my being able to find someone and stick to them for a while longer. How do I ensure I am doing everything I can to make something work?
You can try by taking things slowly and spending more time evaluating how you feel about a person. This may not be about pessimism as much as about being able to identify what you are looking for in a relationship.

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