11 August,2024 06:33 AM IST | Mumbai | Dr Love
Illustration/Uday Mohite
My husband and I have been married for a-year-and-a-half. It is my first marriage, but his second. He was married to his ex-wife for three years before they divorced but they are still in touch. I think this is a problem because her influence is still present. Whenever he speaks to her, he is disturbed, and it feels as if he hasn't been able to fully get away from the impact of that bad relationship. I don't want to tell him that it's not good for him to be in her life, because they are adults, but I also worry that this will affect his mental health which will affect our own marriage. I don't want to be a nagging partner, so I just tolerate it. Should he close that chapter and remove her from his life permanently? I don't want this marriage to fail just because he can't put his past behind him.
You're right about the two of them being free to make choices as adults, but your marriage is also dependent upon your ability to state what is and isn't working. It's normal for someone to take a while to get away from the influence of a failed relationship though, so you should try and keep that in mind. Removing his ex won't solve anything because it isn't as easy to erase a person's memory. It may make more sense to spend time with him while he is disturbed, to try and talk through the feelings he is struggling with. You have also been married for a fairly short time, which makes a difference. Your own influence on his life will be stronger as the years pass, and strengthening your bond makes more sense than trying to make him forget his past. This is a stage of grief, in a way, and it may take him a while to process what he has been through. Being supportive and patient may be just what he needs to get over what has happened.
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