Am I a bad mum for thinking of myself?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I am a married mother of two and have been thinking about my marriage for the past couple of years. My husband and I met in college and have been together for almost 20 years now. We love each other a lot and I think we can describe ourselves as a happy family. The thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is how we have forgotten what it was like before the children came along. We used to love spending time together, just him and myself, and have not had a chance to do that for a decade now. I want to go away with him for a few days, just to try and rekindle the kind of relationship we used to have. He says this is unfair to the children because we are one unit and should behave like one. I worry about this because it implies that this is now the kind of life we will always live. He doesn't want to change things because he is comfortable. What about my feelings though? Does this make me a bad mother just because I think about myself too?
This has nothing to do with motherhood or your children, and everything to do with your feelings as an individual and a woman. Your husband may have valid reasons for living like a family, but the relationship you share with him is its own entity and needs to be acknowledged as such. I suggest you give him time to try and understand your perspective and get a sense of why you feel the way you do. It's possible that he is simply misinterpreting what you are asking from him. Your children will grow up, obviously, and leave the two of you to rediscover yourselves as you grow older. Until that happens, keeping that spark alive is critical, and he will come to see that as well. For now, put aside the idea of a holiday, and try focusing on the moments you share with him alone.

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