Swiping for a friend

Illustration/ Uday Mohite

At 23, Shraddha, is quite forthright when she says, "There's an illustrator that I follow on Instagram. I really like her work and words and have on several occasions praised and reacted to her work and she shows gratitude for it as well. But that's about it. It's never gone beyond that."

The "that" Shraddha refers to isn't a romantic association, but rather to find and make new friends. But it isn't easy. She adds, "There's again a journalist I'd killed to be friends with. But on Instagram it doesn't feel very organic."

It's an acknowledged fact that finding friends becomes difficult as one gets older. Where college and college activities allowed you to meet new people on a regular basis, and children of the '90s just went under the building organically found other kids to play with, work life and the routine it brings tends to limit your social circle to those who you meet between 9 and 5. But, having friends remains an integral part of human mental health.

In a new book titled Friendship: The Evolution, Biology and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond, science journalist Lydia Denworth says, "It [friendship] serves an elemental need to belong and triggers physical pleasure and pain to make us pay attention to that need. That's why I still remember the pure joy of riding in a convertible with my college roommate singing 'Take on Me' at the top of our lungs. On the other hand, not getting invited to a birthday party (at age ten or age fifty) can feel like a betrayal on the level of Brutus and Julius Caesar." She also writes of the difficulty of making new friends, having moved to another city as a grown-up.

It's this challenge that drove Gayatri Sarang, 38, a marcomm professional, to go on Bumble BFF to find a new companion when she moved from Mumbai to Pune a few years ago. "As someone who lived in the same city through my teenage years right into my 30s, I never had to think about actively making friends. People come into your life and the ones you click with stay on. When I finally moved to a new place on my own, I realised it would take some effort. I feel like people who've lived here their entire lives aren't shopping for new friends - they're happy with the ones they've had for ages. That leaves people who, like me, aren't locals. I figured the easiest place to find them would be online."

Sarang first went on Tinder "because friends told me it wasn't just a dating app, it was also a place to meet people". But looking for people on apps meant for dating doesn't always go well. Shraddha whose experience on Tinder was similar to Sarang's - in that it didn't go well - says she then tried Hinge.

"And, given its requirement of both photos and text, it helped judge a profile better. I found and spoke to some like-minded men. We discussed social issues and our political affiliations. I had good conversations and enjoyed just talking. I have never gone to dating sites looking for any kind of romantic prospective."

The trouble essentially comes with the other's expectations. "A couple of days ago, I matched with a comedian who insisted that we meet. He also wanted to make it clear that it could go somewhere only if we date. I said I am not looking for anything and would like to meet first or figure it out, but he didn't like that very much."

Which is probably why Bumble BFF, the dating app's version for friend-making - they also have a networking platform called Bumble Network - seems like it's made for the modern day friend-seeker. Yet, experiences of the users we spoke to haven't matched up.

A 30-year-old who didn't wish to be identified says that not being a local in Mumbai, she thought the app would be a fun way to meet friends other than colleagues or gym buddies. "I also know people who have made good contacts through the networking app, and thought it could work." She was on it only for a few days though. Simply put, it wasn't a good experience.

Like on dating apps, she found many catfishing profiles with stock images. On the off chance she swiped on a profile, she immediately started being sent nudes. "I deleted the app. Now, dating sites are meant only for dating."

Another user had a pretty bad first date. "She seemed to have a similar background as me," says the user, not willing to be identified, adding "She was quite the handful when we met, though. In the first five minutes, she launched into a rant about how a recent date had left her stranded at a party because she drank too much. She told me she's a horrible drunk, and went on to order an LIIT - the first of three. As promised, her behaviour became increasingly difficult to handle. She was generally misinformed yet argued with full confidence about science and politics, told me some personal details that were TMI, and then she insisted on setting me up with the bar manager. I said I wanted to go home, and she was on the verge of tears. Finally, after a couple of hours of her refusing to listen, I booked a cab and bounced. We never met again. I never went on Bumble BFF again either."

This user has now resorted to going back to the tried-and-tested methods of finding friends - going to events and workshops, hoping to find like-minded people.

As Sarang puts it, perhaps why online friend-hunting doesn't work is, "Without the grounding of having common social circles, people have little inhibition and are okay with being completely - outrageously - douchey. Because what's the worst you will do? Block them. Then it's on to the next person. There's no fear of social repercussion. Also, there's no one to corroborate their stories with - you either take everything at face value or you don't."

So, is there no hope that Internet offers?

The 29-year-old regional head of a edutech start-up, Stacy, has had better luck. "I used Tinder a few years ago to find fellow travellers in Bali, Philippines, Amman and Cancun as I was looking for groups I could join to trek and do other activities in far flung locations with. I used Tinder as I didn't know about other apps at the time."

She says she kept her profile open for age and gender and so, found men and women, older and younger. "Some of them were looking for hookups. However, many like me were solo travellers and just looking for company." While she ended up meeting only a few, the 'dates' "were usually spent on some tourist-y activities like trekking, abseiling or diving. It was fun for a day and then, I bid goodbye."

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