My daughter understands why I need her live location: Navi Mumbai mom after Badlapur school case

For Ankita Shah, mother to four-year-old twins, the Badlapur incident hit close to home. She says that although she is satisfied with the security at her daughters’ school, she prefers chaperoning them to send out the message to potential miscreants to back off. Pic/Ashish Raje

Ankita Shah, 29, peruses social media, gets her steps in, shops for groceries, and completes her quota of calls for the day. All the while, the building where her daughters - fraternal twins who are all of four years old - attend junior kindergarten is never out of sight.

Right when Shah and her husband Anel, residents of Navi Mumbai, were blessed with two girls, they knew ensuring their daughters' safety would be paramount. Shah, trained in fine jewellery designing, is a homemaker and intends to remain one until her daughters are self-sufficient.

Ankita Shah 29, says that the conversation around good touch bad touch has taken over the home. Shah admits that the pressure of ensuring the girls safety themselves seems to be the only option. Pic/Ashish Raje

The Shah household has been restless as the couple watch events unfold in the city since the news of the August 13 sexual assault of two Badlapur minors, aged three and four, broke on news channels last week. That the survivors were the same age as their daughters made the nightmare feel too close to home. "As soon as we heard their ages, my husband, mother-in-law and I felt a surge of fear. Conversation among us has since been limited to how we can best deal with such threats as a family. I was already extremely vigilant, but this made our blood curdle," says Shah.

The family has already had the "good touch, bad touch" conversation with the kids, but since last week, there have been regular refresher talks between Shah and the girls while getting them ready for class, with their grandmother playing a supporting role. Shah also does a daily check-in with the girls when she picks them up. "Now, I teach them something every day, or at least reinforce what was taught. For example, have a daily conversation of "good touch, bad touch". Since the incident, I check in with them every day on whether anyone misbehaved with them or said something bad to them," she tells us over the phone.

Swati Popat Vats and Sushant Kalra

Shah says she is satisfied with the security systems in place at her daughters' school, but believes that her presence outside the girls' school sends an important message to potential miscreants - that a parent is always watching.

Shah is not alone in her concern for her kids. With rising cases of students being sexually assaulted on campus, many parents no longer see schools as the safe havens they were thought to be.

Ruchita Dar Shah, is a mother of two boys and says that the onus falls more on parents with boys. Shah has sensitised her kids to consent to touching someone from the opposite gender. Pic/Kirti Surve Parade

During the COVID-19-induced lockdown in 2020, instances of child abuse, assault and rape spiked. At the time, Mansi Zaveri, a parenting coach and founder of online parenting platform Kidsstoppress.com, and reiterates the importance of parents understanding the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POCSO) Act. ChildLine India said that that year in particular saw around three lakh calls, out of which 92,000 were SOS calls. "Eighty per cent of the calls were made by girls below 14 years of age," says Zaveri.

"What I am extremely proud to see in the Badlapur case is the parents standing up for their daughters - you might not think so, but there is still a lot of taboo around sexual abuse of children," says Zaveri, adding, "When we were growing up in the '80s and '90s, if we told our parents about something like this, there would either be no response at all, or we'd get an explanation that adults didn't mean to do it or might have done it by mistake. Now, parents accept that this [sexual abuse] is a reality, and there are conversations on what we can do as parents."

Mansi Zaveri, parenting coach

Back in 2021, a UNESCO survey of 591 students across Delhi schools found that more than 60 per cent of students faced sexual abuse on campus. Another 60 per cent revealed that their parents were familiar with the school staffer who had assaulted their kids, but were not aware that this person
was the perpetrator.

The same report further stated that nearly 30 per cent of the staff at schools in both Bihar and Delhi had not been verified by the police. The survey also revealed that every fifth girl child, mostly between the ages of five and nine, has faced sexual assault in some form or the other.

The anger over the sexual assault spilled on to the station at Badlapur on August 20, suspending services for over 10 hours. File pic/Navneet Barhate

Statistics like these are the reason why collaboration between schools and parents via a parent body is essential, remarks Zaveri. "In Mumbai schools, parents are active stakeholders, but having a parent body that stays involved in what's happening at the school is crucial because it is better placed to pull up the school administration if there are any lapses. The intention is not for the parent body to take over running of the school, but more to do with monitoring, so no one slacks," says the Parel resident, adding that social media and WhatsApp are powerful tools in parents' arsenal.

Like her, many parents are now questioning what they can do to ensure a Badlapur-like case never happens at their children's school, whether it's with a greater push for parents' involvement and more accountability from schools, or with sex education for kids.

"Collaborations with the school on sexual health workshops, including on ‘good touch, bad touch', ‘safe and unsafe touch' is still not at the level we need it to be. For parents, too, education on the appropriate response in cases of sexual abuse is the need of the hour," says Zaveri.

Parents in Mumbai now have a number of ways to monitor their children's movement. School buses now have GPS tags that parents can track. Others go a step further and provide their kids with GPS-enabled devices like Airtags or Apple watches, so they can keep an eye on their movements at all times. In the past technology that enables parents to track school buses was organicially introduced as a mere safety upgrade, parents have also pushed for live streams from their child's classroom, although that demand was quashed over privacy concerns.

Some might call this helicopter parenting, a concept that has been much criticised as "overprotective parenting" and micro-managing of the child's life. Labels be damned, say parents worried about their children's safety.

Being involved does not make one a helicopter parent, says Zaveri. "Yes, many are being called helicopter parents, but monitoring your child for their safety is different, so let's not confuse the two. My 16-year-old understands why I ask her to send me her live location. I just want her to be safe," she adds.

Swati Popat Vats, president of the Podar Education Network as well as non-profit Early Childhood Association (ECA), says, "If being a helicopter parent means to ensure the safety and security of the child then I welcome these kinds of parents. If the parents' involvement is for the safety of the child, and not to micro-manage their life, I see no wrong."

If anything, Vats says parents today have given away too much power to schools and that the current outrage is but a knee-jerk reaction to the Badlapur case. "Parents protest when fees are hiked, but won't hold schools accountable for the things that matter. The school is providing you a service, so why aren't you seeking accountability for that service? Ask about police verification, why has it not been done? I feel that parents from earlier generations were more direct, pro-active and questioned the school when it made a mistake," she says.

Parenting experts, however, warn against excessive monitoring, especially when it exposes other kids in the classroom. ECA has been vital in slamming the brakes on an earlier demand by some parents for live streams from classrooms. "When you start a live stream, there is open access to it. This makes a bad situation worse, as a predator can easily take the footage and manipulate it to their will. It's not just your child there, but 20 others in that classroom who become vulnerable," says Vats, appealing to parents to be more mindful.

Alert parenting is not just about what happens when your child goes to school - it starts at home, in how we converse with kids while teaching them to stay safe. "Language [while teaching kids about abuse] needs to be updated," says Ruchita Dar Shah, curator of the book Khichdi For The Desi Mom's Soul and as someone who ran a mommy community for 13 years "With a child as young as three or four, their vocabulary will be ‘good touch and bad touch'. This has to graduate to ‘safe and unsafe touch' with advancing years. It cannot be a one-time conversation anymore."

A big no-no is funny names for private parts, such as ‘choo choo' or ‘chi chi' she warns. "It confuses the child and they do not understand that this is a serious matter. You cannot make the private parts sound like cartoon characters," she adds.

In a study conducted in the US, titled Preschoolers' Knowledge of Genital Terminology: A Comparison of English and Spanish Speakers Research, 89 per cent of children knew the names of non-genital body parts, yet only 10 per cent knew the correct names for genitalia. Clinicians generally agree that using the correct terminology for private parts enhances children's body image, confidence, and openness.

Body safety is a key conversation to be had with kids starting from two-and-a-half to three years of age, says Sushant Kalra, founder of the Parwarish Institute of Parenting. Kalra suggests making discussions about body safety a part of everyday conversation, such as at the dinner table. "In the sessions we conduct with school kids, we noticed since the Kolkata rape-murder case, kids now ask how they can protect themselves from rape," he says.

It's clearly a concern that weighs on kids' mind too, with so much conversation about the case. But, he stresses, "They [kids] don't even properly understand what rape is. And parents are not talking about it. It's important to strike a balance between the level of awareness kids have nowadays versus the conversations about such things at home."

When it comes to heart-to-hearts, Shah - herself mom to two boys - feels that parents with sons have a bigger role to play. "I have told my boys very openly about the experiences I faced using public transport as a girl and then as a woman. I have conversations about menstruation with them, so they understand what girls around them are going through," she says, adding, "Also, you cannot indulge them until their teens and then suddenly discipline them in their teens. This creates adults who never learned boundaries."

She recalls an incident when her eldest, a 19-year-old engineering student, refused to take part in the tradition of giving "birthday bumps" to a female classmate in college. "He heard my voice in his head, questioning how a girl would feel with that kind of physical touch. He said he kept thinking, ‘What will mom think?' That is a win in my book," she says.

Inputs by Anand Singh and Dipti Singh

State's new guidelines for schools

.  CCTV cameras now mandatory throughout school premises, excluding restrooms
.  Maintenance checks by beat marshals or mobile teams
.  Permanent stationing of female staff outside girls' restrooms
.  Assignment of female sanitation workers to girls' loos
.  Requirement of female staff presence on all student transport
.  Mandatory police verification of all sanitation workers at schools
.  Tie-ups with NGOs for self-defence training for female students
.  A separate panel of female parents to be set up at schools, with monthly meetings

Badlapur parents speak

"The scars left on the girls and the fear instilled in their minds will take time to heal. Right now, our priority is to ensure they recover emotionally and physically. We'll consider transferring them to another school once they're better"
Parents of the survivors

"My two daughters attend the same school. When I confronted the school officials, they seemed more concerned about the institute's reputation than bringing the perpetrator to justice. Regarding the stone-pelting and rail blockade, I ask, what would you do as parents of a little girl who was sexually assaulted?"
Parent of a student at the Badlapur school

"This is not the first time the school has tried to cover up an incident. We've heard about many such cases that were quietly handled by the administration and never addressed properly. This incident has left all of us questioning the safety of our children in this school"
A protesting parent

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