30 May,2021 08:27 AM IST | Mumbai | Aastha Atray Banan
Photo for representational purpose. Picture Courtesy/iStock
It was 2018 when a young man, only 17, wrote to me on Instagram. He was from Surat and was confiding in me because he had been listening to me talk about romance on my weekly podcast, Love Aaj Kal. He told me that he and his girlfriend were planning to have sex for the first time. His query: Will doing it in an OYO room be safe?
I was out of words. I wanted to tell him, first of all, that he should reconsider doing it at all. But, then I realised, we are no longer in the '90s. It was now "okay" to have sex for the first time at 14. But, what I definitely wanted to tell him was that an OYO room was a bummer location for the first attempt. It was unsafe, yes, because he wouldn't want to land up in the state the protagonist of the 2005 film, Kalyug did. Blackmailed for having sex because they were taped. Was I getting too dark for a teenager asking me a simple question? I went ahead and advised him on waiting anyway. Why not attempt it at 19, when you are equipped to deal with the consequences, and the emotions that would stem from it? Research the hotel you pick for the moment, and make sure it's legitimate and safe before you book a room.
That call from Surat hit me with a realisation: it was far tougher being a lover today. It's also what reinforced my faith in the need for the podcast. It's what led, most recently, to writing The L-Word: Love, Lust and Everything In-between (HarperCollins India, R299). I wanted to have a conversation about love minus the judgement. In a world where apps are key to finding a date or partner, love is a conundrum. Here was a place where "the illusion of choice" played an important part. Everyone seemed to come across as commitment phobic, looking for the next best thing, next great person, instead of adapting to give what was before them the best shot. In the smaller towns of the country, where the dating culture was being received with new excitement and discovery, cheating, breaking up, living in, were inviting, but also confusing.
Why was someone in love writing to me, a rank stranger? How would I be qualified to offer them solutions to problems of the heart? Well, for one, I seemed to come across as the weekly domain expert. But also, that I didn't know them, and my advice would come from a place removed from prejudice. It's what led to my zeroing in on the challenges that every lover today must equip themselves to tackle: how to spot gaslighting, move on from a heartbreak without losing yourself, how to first identify and then leave a toxic relationship, how to tell if you are ready for sex, the trick to enjoying porn without the guilt, effective dealing with infidelity, and of course, my favourite, how to love yourself.
I decided to use each day of my 39 years, 19 of them spent observing relationships (mine and others'), to offer easy hacks to find love, keep love, and be okay when love ends. It's the advice I would also give myself. I may not take it, but it's good, solid advice regardless.
My inspirations are many, among them former lovers, friends, colleagues, and of course, pop culture. And despite the good and the bad, I have continued to hope that people believe in love, however hard, because to not love would be a waste of a good life. Why are some people wary of it? Why did someone sing, Mohabbat buri
bimari? If we were aware of how not to let love become the reason for our misery, we'd stop seeing it as the enemy.
When some folks tell me they don't believe in love anymore, I tell them a story about everyone's favourite actress Jennifer Aniston, who suffered a massive public embarrassment when her lover of many years, Brad Pitt dumped her for fellow actress Angelina Jolie. If anyone, Aniston should have hated the idea of love. Instead, in an interview to Vanity Fair in 2005, she said, "When I hear people say that they would never do it again, it's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why would you ever close your heart down?"
Never have sex with someone to make them like you. This applies to all of you: the 16-year-old who wants the popular boy or girl to like them; the 21-year-old who seeks validation through sex; the 30-year-old who is being forced to settle down; or the 40-year-old who once again is seeking validation due to age-related anxiety
Stop mistaking anxiety for the butterflies in your stomach. Start normalising feeling comfort instead of anxiety
Listen to your gut, and the voices inside you. They mostly, always tell you the truth. It prevents you from falling prey to gaslighting
Don't be friend zoned. Being a friend to someone you love is one of the hardest things one can do in life. You don't need that pain
