Did our moms lie to us?

A 2021 study stated that Indian women were amongst the most overworked and underpaid in the world. Pic/Getty Images

It was their eyes that gave it away," says Noida-based journalist Nilanjana Bhowmick, when we ask about the genesis of her just-released book, Lies Our Mothers Told Us (Aleph Book Company). Bhowmick is speaking about the many Indian women she has come to know, and her struggle to make sense of the unspoken. "We could have been sharing a laugh or enjoying a relaxed time, but I'd always see a sadness in their eyes... something didn't feel right," she insists. This curiosity led her to delve deeper, engaging them in conversation. The women were of all types: from 15 to 60, across class and caste, homemakers and professionals. A common cause for concern emerged, one which Bhowmick spells out in her introduction: "India's middle-class women are reeling under the dual force of tradition and modernity. The two have dumped on them more expectations than they can handle, more fears than they can live with, and more sleepless nights than they care to admit - even
to themselves."

Bhowmick is a feminist, but she doesn't shy away from questioning the challenges it throws for women. Like one of her interviewees, Saira, shares, "Feminism has failed us... In India, feminism doesn't empower. Just like our parents, feminists, too, have no plan B." Harking back to the title of her book, Bhowmick says that the "biggest lie our mothers told us as girls is that our world was going to be different". "...That we would have it better, and that we'd be stepping into a more equal world. This was meant to be their hope for us, but it turned out to be a lie, because nothing really changed," she says over a video call. Bhowmick cites the example of her own mother, a police officer, living with a traditionalist husband. It was her ambition that led her to prepare for the sub-inspector promotion exam, but Bhowmick remembers that she never actually appeared for the test: "A promotion would mean more responsibilities at work and that would come in the way of her fulfilling responsibilities at home."

Nilanjana Bhowmick's curiosity about the lives Indian women lead, led her to research the book. Pic/Nishad Alam

"I have seen her [my mother] struggle... trying to juggle two lives. Mine wasn't any different, despite having help and a job that allows me to work from home. I realised that I still needed to pay to get help and support, so basically, I am paying a lot of money to just keep working." The vicious cycle, she says, doesn't end. "And sometimes, you wonder if this is how it's supposed to be."

A survey by Deloitte conducted last year, revealed that "Indian women were amongst the most overworked and underpaid in the world". Bhowmick makes a mention of this in her book, blaming it singularly on India's patriarchal system. "Indian men are lazy... it's as simple as that. They are entitled, and are not brought up to understand that cooking, cleaning, and looking after the children are life-skills, and that they need to be co-carers in a household. Unfortunately, this has been normalised through generations, even in progressive homes." That India has one of the lowest female labour force participation rates in the world, despite growing economically, explains her concerns. "Hostile public, personal and professional spaces discourage them further," she says, adding, "I mean, I don't understand why a big deal is made about ‘period leave'...The problem is that women are trying too hard to fit in work spaces created for men. When, in fact, work spaces should be gender responsive."

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Solutions need to come from the government, with policies and programmes that make women equal stakeholders in the labour force, she thinks. "We have some of the best policies for women in place, but we haven't created a conducive situation to make them feel welcome. Men control all the resources, and they are making all the decisions. How would you know what women want, if you aren't ever going to even ask them? Take the example of ASHA workers or women working in the Anganwadis [free childcare centres], for example - they are still voluntary workers earning a measly income. Why should they provide their services, if it's not worth their while?"

Bhowmick also looks inward, making this book as much about herself, as about other women. She discusses the burden of her grandmother, a widow who died by suicide; her mother's guilt and quest for happiness, and dealing with her own trauma. "I did face the dilemma about how much to tell... talking about myself has always been part of my healing process. But I wasn't sure whether I should be speaking about my mother or hers. When I told her about it, she became very emotional. Until then, she didn't feel her story even merited being written about. She was just glad I noticed the life she lived."