12 May,2024 10:42 AM IST | Mumbai | Mitali Parekh
Bakul Dua is a clinical psychologist
Every mother needs a safe space to confess unholy thoughts. And a mother is allowed to have many, many of them. "The idea of the sacrificing mother," says mental health professional and sociologist Meenakshi Bhanj Deo, "or maa devi hai notion, worked for the whole system and patriarchy. This creates a lot of pressure on women who want to be a good mother." So much so that many women go through PTSD because of it.
It distributes emotional and domestic labour disproportionately, burdening the women and even keeping them out of the economy so they remain dependent, and easy to exploit. It also keeps women unhappy, which is good for the economy: They will buy and buy clothes, medication, jewellery, experiences, just anything impulsively to fill the void of feeling un-expressed and unfulfilled. And then buy some more of that which reinforces their identity as a mother.
"A woman is much more than her relationship with a man or a family - a mother, sister or daughter," says Salma Prabhu, a clinical psychologist, "And it is her duty to ensure that this is understood by her near and dear ones." Enter terms such as boundaries, delegation, and choice.
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Stories are to identity what water is to fish, and women are always told stories about what a good mother is: To sacrifice a career, hobbies, interests, life-goals to raise children. And when some women prioritise these, there is dissonance with their identity pertaining to this exalted role: This is not how a good mother thinks. I have not seen my/other moms leave children at home alone.
"Anyone who takes the path of seeing herself as not just as a mother, and wants to give time to other things which can be important too is villanised," holds Bhanj Deo. And often times, because it is seen a confession so shameful, one may not find role models who have prioritised their other interests, happiness, needs and expression while being a mom.
Here we have for you, five "bad" moms, who did good - who give you permission to do motherhood your way, in your version.
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What I bring to parenting - and that is not a word I love - what I bring to the relationship, is what I had with my dad. He loved us to bits, but we were not the centre of his or our mom's life. There is deep attachment and healthy separation.
My children know they are loved, cherished and protected, but also that my life has many other aspects. I pour into my relationship with my partner through the onslaught of child bearing and rearing. Then there is my work: They know mama works, and she has meetings and can't be disturbed then.
Certain choices I made as a mother are not by the book, but by what's good for my mental health. For instance, I didn't want to breastfeed; I hated it. I know the science and why it's good for the mother and the child, but it would make me a breastfeeding mum and nothing else for a while. I did not like that sense of being tied down. I would resent my children, so they grew up on pumped milk and formula.
I also don't want my children to feel burdened by my unlived life. We approach the relationship with irreverence: I'm not special, you are not special; we are all ordinary people. Let's not take ourselves seriously. I didn't want any large shoes to fill in this family.
My children will be told you are not exceptional or entitled; and that you owe me nothing: Not a career, respect or love. You owe me a bit of listening to until you are 18 or 19, and I owe you protection for now and a safe relationship, throughout our lives.
When by girl was a newborn, I desperately wanted some time to myself. So, I would put on loud music to drown out her crying whenever I went for a shower to get those 15 to 20 minutes all to myself without feeling the urge to run out of the bathroom.
Now that she is two years old, I intentionally leave her alone in the room even though I have free time because I want her to realise that I will not be around the whole time. She has to learn how to be by herself, how to play and enjoy even if she is alone.
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After dedicating myself for more than eight years to bringing up my son, I decided to start taking time out for myself. I started going out on either Saturday or Sunday to spend some time with friends. There was mother's guilt initially, because the weekend is supposed to be "family time". But on weekends, my husband was free to take over the parenting duties. Also, there is the age-old feeling of whether it is morally okay to leave a young son behind while I go out and have some fun. But then, I slowly realised that if I'm not happy, then I can't be a good mother. Now, my son insists I go out to meet friends at least once a week. I think I have won that particular battle!
As a mother, I did not do anything which was not my nature. I did not wake up early to make him breakfast; his father did that while I packed the tiffin at night. I woke up early when it was required and not because I had to. If he did not want to eat something, which was rare, I left him alone but had it myself. I went for his school functions when I could, and skipped when I could not.
Till he was 10, I ensured he got all the attention he needed. I always got equal support from his father, and did not hesitate to take help from my parents and in-laws. We don't have to be super mothers; we can ask for help.
The reward is watching him respect women, and not because she is a mother or sister. And to add to the knowledge and skills he learnt from me.
We can cry in each other's arms and he is not going to judge me because I am being emotional or sensitive, or doing things which mothers generally don't do. He knows I am a rebel, and communication is the best way to understand each other.
Recently, I was a bit emotional and he said, "Help me understand you better." It has been fulfilling to watch him and his wife work in sync to set up home and life in a new country, figuring it all out together.
The essence is that mothers are expected to put their children first and sacrifice their own priorities. I preferred making him independent rather than me becoming indispensable.
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There is a time when children need their mother completely, but one also has to teach them to do for themselves things that will make them successful human beings.
As mother of boys, it was very important for me that they know how to perform domestic duties regularly and care for others. It's my younger son's duty for years to make me tea when I come home from work or in the morning, and not the other way around. When he started showing interest in cooking at a young age, we encouraged it not as a hobby but as a life skill. We take turns cooking the different meals of the day, and duties of grocery shopping, caring for pets, nurturing the garden as everyday tasks.
Festivals are family projects for us, and we divide up the cleaning, cooking, decoration tasks. We lend them out to help family members so that they learn care-giving: Go with your cousin to make a presentation about menstrual cups; pet-sit for the aunt so she can go to work, oversee home repairs, go with a grandparent to the doctor.
As they grew, I travelled for longer periods of time - weeks and months - so that they could learn to take care of the home and themselves. And the travel was not for unavoidable work or emergencies, but for things that fulfill me: A trek to Everest Base Camp, to give kathak exams, to spend alone time in my home in India. I hope this makes them see all women as three-dimensional beings, and not just the role they perform for them: As mothers, sisters and partners.
