Mahesh Bhatt's daughter Shaheen opens up on her battle with depression

Shaheen Bhatt

My mind is an animal I cannot control. I feel starved for real human contact. No matter how much I have, it isn't enough. I fixate on people I barely know without even the slightest provocation. I expect transcendence. I expect permanence. I expect to be proved wrong." This was an entry in screenwriter Shaheen Bhatt's diary at the age of 27, in 2016.

Last week, she put vignettes of it out there for everyone to read in her new book, I've Never Been (Un)Happier (Penguin Random House). In the book, Shaheen - filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt's daughter and actor Alia's elder sister - has chronicled her fight with depression, which she refers to as "the feeling", since the age of 11. "I have been keeping a diary ever since. It was my catharsis. It was the only way I could make sense of things, and put them in perspective," she tells us over a telephone call.

Seventeen years later, she revisited those entries again for this book. As we go through the pages, we can almost feel her pain, concerns, misgivings, insecurities and tears. We were reminded of what Japanese author Haruki Murakami said in a recent interview, that when he writes, he goes to a place inside himself, which is almost like exploring a cosmos, and "you go to a different place, where it's very dangerous and scary, and it's important to know the way back".

When we ask Shaheen how she finds her way back after going so deep within herself, she pauses and then says, "Writing this book was like reliving it all over again. And going back can be extremely traumatic. But as my father always told me, 'the deepest truth is found close to the deepest wound'. Recalling all of that, sent me into another depressive spiral, but I now have better knowledge about myself. You are forced to analyse it all. And how do I come back? Like each time, I struggle, push and fight."

But how does a young child realise that it's not external causes that lead to depression, but just an "unexplained sadness"? Shaheen says she knew early on that this wasn't in her control. "Initially, I thought it was about how I looked, or external things like that, so I tried to fix those. But every time I fixed something, I didn't feel better. I didn't even know what depression meant, so how would I know I have it? When I realised I have no answers, I knew it was internal," she says.

She also writes about her family, and especially those times when she compared herself to her outgoing sisters, actor Alia and filmmaker Pooja Bhatt. But, their social media accounts would show that all the three sisters get along fabulously today. "I never had to work on my relationship with them. They are my best relationships. I had to work on my relationship with myself. I was outgoing to start with, but then slowly, became an introvert. Then I realised I couldn't be them and it was okay." Right now, all she wants is that people read her book, and know that they are not alone. "Even if one person feels like they are not alone after reading it, or understands what a loved one is going through, then it's all worth it."

Also Read: Alia Bhatt: Shaheen has battled and lived with depression since she was 12

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