Death over Dinner initiative discusses death, everything surrounding it

Illustration/Uday Mohite

When the city was under siege during the November of 2008, with a curfew of 72 hours, our home in Worli was dealing with a problem of a different kind. Several people had arrived to bid adieu to an uncle, a police officer, who had fallen to the bullets fired by now hanged Pakistani terrorist Ajmal Kasab. It was neither the first and nor will it be the last funeral the family has seen. And yet, as my family relives the day, sometimes with pride and sometimes with the unending hollow of the bereaved, a conversation addressing the reality here - death - is missing. It's almost dealt with as a stray incident.

Entering the two-storeyed structure at Lower Parel that houses Savor Dining Room, vampire Edward Cullen whispers in my mind: "What did you expect? Coffins and dungeons and moats?" Not the moats, I tell him. The dimly-lit room feels warm. The dining table is adorned with a dozen candles, an eerie calm occupies the room just before other guests begin to show up.

The evening is part of a global initiative called Death Over Dinner, in which a few guests sit around a table, eat from a curated menu and speak about the one thing that we simply refuse to do: death and everything surrounding it. As the six guests arrive, take their place around the table, Krittika Sharma takes charge. The 33-year-old, multidisciplinary innovation researcher and behaviour architect, is our host for the evening. The ice-breaker to what just might be a very difficult evening is a basic introduction and then a laying-down-of-rules.

Sharma requests that we switch off our cell phones and be as vulnerable as we want to - if we think the table allows for it. Breaking down the Rule of 3, she mentions that we give everyone a chance to pour their heart out and not share our experiences ad infinitum. "Give people respect to have their moment, in case they break down," she advises.
As I moan inwardly, 'What have I signed myself up for', Sharma adds, "We allow for lighter moments, too. We assure that you will have a great experience by the end of the evening and leave with a smile."

To set the tone for the evening, we are all requested to shut our eyes to remember and appreciate one person we have lost. After the eyes open, a young psychiatrist breaks the silence. "I lost my grandmother four years ago. My grandparents had come to India and she was helping unpack stuff when she broke her spine. Doctors did everything they could, but she passed away. We knew it was going to happen. But no matter how much you expect things like these, you never are ready for it."

There's a long pause, with the guests not knowing how (and if) to react. Sharma, sitting on the psychiatrist's left, peers beyond to his right. A cue for the conversation to continue. This time, it's a young graphic designer, who works with Savor Dining Room. She says, "My best friend's mom succumbed in the Kamala Mills fire [of 2017]. I was not close to her, but had heard a lot about her from my friend. While her death doesn't affect me in everyday life, each time my friend mentions her, I do regret missing out on knowing the person."

The confessions end only with silence. Mostly awkward, followed by a cue from Sharma for someone else to continue the 'conversation'. Savor Dining Room's executive chef, also a guest on the table, talks of the importance of addressing the paperwork that comes with it. "When his father passed away, my brother-in-law had little time to grieve as he had to sort out a lot of financial duties. His late father was the one who usually took charge of these responsibilities, and after he had passed, the torch had been passed on to my brother-in-law. This was when I realised that I needed to plan things and involve my wife in it. So, I started making entries in my diary with details of important things that would come in handy after my death. I feel responsible for my kids and wife, and therefore, this seemed like the right thing to do."

Sharma adds to his voice: "It is hard enough that you have lost a dear one, but it is harder when you have to manage finances and legal documents in their absence. This is something most families fail to address even today." Up till now, there's only been water on the table to calm the diners. It's been 15 minutes and now, two servers bring in seven bowls of pumpkin soup sprinkled with pumpkin seeds. The servers tiptoe in and out of the room. The flow of conversation is unhindered. Tonight's menu, we are told, is themed 'Cycle of Life' - from grain, root, leaves to dirt. The dishes are simple - carpaccio of roots with pickled kumquat and chipotle cream leaves and fruit.The last dish is cabbage leaves stuffed with ricotta, chestnut and dates with sauerkraut and berry-filled apple.

But, can a conversation about death shift from loss to remembrance? The aim, after all, is to heal and in remembrance lies the secret of redemption. The room fills with ayes and everyone agrees to discuss death with loved ones. Sharma, while giving perspective about DOD and also sharing her own story of loss, says the American founder Michael Hebb wondered why Thanksgiving was the only time families in the US got together to build a connection of appreciation? Why couldn't dinners be used to communicate what we all fear the most?

The project, now in its fifth year globally and just a few months old in India, says Sharma, sees guests deciding to "live their lives better, fear less." On that note comes the 'RIP' dessert - chocolate soil with ginger bread and mousse shaped like a grave - that finally brings a smile to everyone's face. Just as we are wrapping up, with a glass of red, a guest points out to the only empty chair on the table. "It is interesting how we all remembered our loved ones. The vacant chair, perhaps, indicates their presence tonight."

The beginning
While teaching a graduate course called 'Let's Have Dinner and Talk About Death', professor Michael Hebb thought of hosting dinners to address death. On August 24, 2014, Death Over Dinner was incepted. The platform was launched in India since August 2018. DOD, an initiative by RoundGlass, has hosted 15 dinners in Bengaluru, Mumbai, Delhi, Hyderabad, Goa, Coonoor and Baroda. To participate in the next DOD, write to krittika.sharma@round.glass

Catch up on all the latest Mumbai news, crime news, current affairs, and also a complete guide on Mumbai from food to things to do and events across the city here. Also download the new mid-day Android and iOS apps to get latest updates