Heena Sidhu returns - From batting depression and becoming a mother

Life has come a full circle for former World No.1 pistol shooter Heena Sidhu.

Since the COVID-19 lockdown and the three waves that followed, Sidhu, 32, has experienced a myriad emotions, from the lows of battling loneliness and depression to the highs of being a dog mom and most recently, a mum to daughter Reyah.

Bhopal beckons

A return to the shooting range is on the cards as Sidhu prepares for next month's national selection trials in Bhopal. However, she insists that there is no specific target or competition in mind. "I started shooting in mid-January and have been quite consistent since. For me, it's important to get back to the sport in the right frame of mind and with the right technique," Sidhu tells Sunday mid-day.

Heena with husband Ronak Pandit

Daughter Reyah, three months, has obviously had an impact on the sharpshooter's lifestyle. "With Reyah, the dynamics of my life have changed. The process of getting back includes not just taking care of Reyah, but taking care of myself and also accommodating a lot of things in life. Let's see where things take me," adds Sidhu, who became the first Indian pistol shooter to win 10m air pistol gold in the 2013 ISSF World Cup.

The lockdown was particularly tough on Sidhu as she was pregnant during the time. "Being pregnant during the COVID-19 pandemic was not easy. It took away the charm of having a baby as I could not be surrounded by family. I couldn't do anything, [it was] an uneventful pregnancy. After Reyah was born, I was scared when some of my own family members would pick her up. I thought kahin usko COVID-19 na ho jaaye [she should not get the virus]," says the two-time Olympian.

India shooter Heena Sidhu during the mixed 10m air pistol qualification round of the 2019 ISSF World Cup in New Delhi. Pic/Getty Images

Motherhood comes with a whole lot of challenges and Sidhu admits that at times she questioned the things around her. Just two months after the arrival of her daughter, Sidhu shifted to a bigger home in Pune's Gahunje area. The refurbishment of the house alongwith mommy duties have been tough. "Reyah was born in November and we shifted in January. Taking care of Reyah and simultaneously managing work at our new home has been tough. It took me over a month to get settled. Then, in February, [husband] Ronak [Pandit] had to leave for work and since then I've been alone, attending to both Reyah and our home. Giving birth is one thing, but taking care of your child is totally different. At times, it feels like all of this is costing me my identity - who I was and who I used to be. These are not easy thoughts. At times, I felt as though I've had this baby at the cost of my career," says Sidhu, a 2018 Commonwealth Games gold medal-winner, who had to take a break from shooting right before the pandemic since she was struggling with depression.

How depression set in

"Since my husband is also my coach, shooting became part of my personal life too. It took over most of the relationships and eventually, my shooting suffered. How long can you keep winning medals? I stopped shooting and slipped into a low. That's when I decided to take a break from the sport. Due to depression, I had no balance in my life. I didn't have many friends and only kept to myself. I was lonely. I was mechanical, but humans are social animals, who love and crave attention. I've had to seek professional help to tackle depression. I'm fine now, but a part of me is scared because I'm a perfectionist and I tend to go after things even at the cost of my own happiness. The moment I get into a [shooting] match, I start being tough on myself. So, I fear the beast inside me will wake up again," says Sidhu, who sought comfort in her pet dog, Oscar, a beagle. "I began treating Oscar like my own baby. Playing with him, helped me. His unconditional love is one of the reasons I got out of depression. When I walked him, I met others who came with their dogs. And today some of them have become my 2 am friends,"
explains Sidhu.

Interestingly, the two years away from shooting made Sidhu realise what the sport means to her. "The two years since I've been off competitive shooting, I realised that I loved myself when I used to shoot. Not because I won medals. As a person, shooting gave me a lot of self respect," she says. So, which role does she cherish - a shooter, daughter, wife or mother? "I feel all my roles are important. It's impossible to prioritise one above another. I am a complete individual only because all my roles are equally important to me," she signs off.