Anyone for kirckit… panga kirckit?

A cricket altercation. For representation purpose only

What are we fighting for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn…" The band Country Joe and The Fish had rallied the peaceniks at Woodstock in the late sixties who wanted nothing to do with the Vietnam war. The Berkley-based psychedelic rockstars had a message; of urging young Yankees to smoke the peace pipe (pun intended) and not end up coming back in a star and stripe covered box.

What made my mind - usually occupied by RD Burman or jazzy tunes - remember up this revolutionary song?

The chief reason being two celebrated kirckiters picking up a panga on the field of play, playing out a tamasha in front of a 30-camera set-up watched by a worldwide audience which seems to have enjoyed every spicy moment of the sparring. Yes, it was a fabulous television moment going completely in synch with the lights, camera & action theme of the most watched annual kirckit tournament in the make-believe world.

For the sake of the narrative - let's look at the two protagonists. Two much celebrated and followed players, who I shall name Billu and Pogi. They've been at each other's skullcaps for a long time now. Both hailing from the same state - let's call it Billi. These two Billi wallahs have always delivered what the director wanted. Their theatrics - always in public - being devoured by a hungry audience fed on reality shows like Big Loss.

From a singular spat, a decade ago, it has now become a gang (sorry, family) war. "Tune mere family ko bola, toh mujhe bola. Kya? Teri itni himmat? Main tumhe nahi chodoonga," and "Tu karega vaisa hi bharega," type of dialogue usually associated with Oshiwara-based script writers has now permeated into Kirckit's reality show.

And what a show!!

The way organisers fix fixtures (no pun intended) for an India v Pakistan matches: One in the league stage, second in the quarter final and hope for a finale in the final - is a broadcasters delight and a sure-fire way of delivering ROI for advertisers. There just may be a clamour for a repeat of the Billu/Pogi show which has probably garnered more eyeballs and media space than Pinku Bling's heroics.

Looking ahead, let us take a peek at the imaginary sales pitch of the world's most watched, annual Kirckit tournament in 2024:

Salesperson (S): Sir, we present the new improved kirckit reality tournament that starts this summer. We have some new additions that resonate with your brand attributes and will ensure sticky eyeballs throughout the tournament.

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Advertiser (A): Kitna dena padega?

B: Sir, only 50 per cent increase in prices per spot and sponsorship - early bird rate. It can go up to 75 per cent as the tourney approaches.

S: Ouch, isn't that a bit too much?

B: No Sir, we plan a few more episodes of the Billu/Pogi encounter with a special show called ‘Kaun Banega Big Loss ka Baap' featuring both the stars. Not just that, we plan more such sparklers with other kirckiters who have been inspired by Billu/Pogi and are itching to be part of the gravy train.

S: I still feel I cannot justify a double hike in rates for my brand. I would rather look at a Salomon Kaun film which has all these ingredients.

B: The film may have star power but there is zero guarantee of ROI for your brand. With our new improved Kirckit circus we can assure you of million more eyeballs.

S: How so?

B: We plan to start a new Cutler/Bashspin show on similar lines as Billu/Pogi.

S: But they play for the same Kirckit team?

B: That's the beauty of our concept. Billu/Pogi also played for the same team, once upon a time. Now we will have a 10-camera set-up inside the dressing room and hotel of the teams. This will guarantee more audiences, which swear by other reality shows, to come on board. Not just that, we already have fun, excitement, drama, action, dance numbers, fight scenes as part of the show. These ‘bashes' will add tremendous value to the Kirckit reality tournament which will take your brand through the roof. We have also decided a special segment called the ‘Dhishum-Dhishum moment of the match.'

S: Yeah, but Bollywood gives me song and assault scenes as well. How will you counter that?

B: Song is no problem, we have commentors who will sing at the drop of a shot and plan a duet with them and a kirckiter on the ground. Every time a kirckiter drops a catch, the commentator goes into a song (starts singing): ‘Yeh Kya Hua? Kaise Hua?'

S: Great! And what about assault scenes?

B: Simple Sir, we have been attacking the game for a long time now, with a big ‘impact.' We will just up the ante - that's all!

Country Joe and the Fish sang for a cause. Our protagonists are fighting for theirs which will ensure that the TRPs touch the sky and brands will be more than happy with the ROI they get in the process. The latest Billu/Pogi type episode will keep trending, organically, sans social media influencers and inspire young wannabes to play out similar acts on the playing maidans of India which guarantee instant fame on PikPok and other social media channels.

And, lyrics of the local version of the iconic Vietnam song will reverberate across the nation causing a big spurt of inspiration for the young ones to follow the acts of their heroes:

"So put down your bats and pick up a gun. We're gonna have a whole lotta fun."

PS; Any similarities with any living (or dead) persons are purely coincidental.

- Hemant Kenkre is a former Mumbai ‘A' division club captain