Why India rejected the Bhabhi doll

No version of a female doll would ever work in a market that reveres women as much as Indian men do. Illustration by C Y Gopinath using Midjourney

None of this would have happened if they hadn't made that movie. You know the one I mean, that pink-tinted, candyfloss tribute to the all-American blonde babydoll, Barbie.

Like any good emerging global superpower, India stood up and said wtf! How dare the decadent West impose its superficial inferior womanhood on our ancient culture?

Most of you would not have heard of the behind-the-scenes chaos triggered by the movie Barbie. The ruling party convened a special session of Parliament, where the main question was: what is India's answer to Barbie for elevating Indian womanhood the way Barbie glorifies the vacuous American blonde?

Some Opposition members shouted that they would not tolerate this objectification of the Indian female but the MP from Gorakhpur, from the ruling party, was already ploughing ahead.

"We don't need Barbie," he declared. "We have our own and she's called Bhabhi!"

The Bhabhi doll was an instantaneous hit. The member from Wardha suggested that India's first such doll should be called KQ Bhabhi. "In our glorious tradition, Bhabhiji is the queen of the kitchen. Here she lovingly prepares hot food for her lord and master, her husband."

Other ideas tumbled out fast and furious.

The Adjust Bhabhi, forever compliant to the wishes of her lord and master, as well as his mother, would come with symbolically flexible limbs that could be bent and twisted into any angle, as well as a home wear T-shirt with the slogan Bends but never breaks.

The MP from Dudhwa jumped to his feet to put forward the Fair & Lovely Bhabhi, with several adjustable skin tones, all on the light end of the skin spectrum. "She will be wheatish complexioned from head to toe, and soft like cream."

The man in orange, who had been listening without speaking so far, stood up now. The chamber fell silent.

"You are forgetting our sanskriti, our parampara, our itihasic rivaj," he said, not raising his voice even a little. "Our scriptures are very clear about the ideal Indian woman." He sat down.

Within minutes, the Sanskari Bhabhi had been proposed and accepted. She would come dressed demurely in a sari, eyes permanently lowered, pallu drawn over her head. Accessories would include the prayer thali in her hands, with an aarti permanently lit by an LED bulb.

As MPs warmed to the new theme, ideas flew thick and fast.

"Bhabhiji is a goddess, she enters her marital home bringing good fortune," said the MP from Dhule, birthing the GKL Bhabhi doll. Just married and representing the Ghar ki Lakshmi, her accessories would include a suitcase full of dowry cash, a Vespa scooter for her loving husband and a tote bag of jewellery for her
sisters-in-law.

This was when a delegation of angry women, mainly from Manipur but also including firebrands from Bengal, Karnataka, Delhi, Andhra Pradesh and Kerala, began to boo and hiss. Their leader stood up and spoke. "We demand an additional Bhabhi doll for the woman who cannot afford to pay dowry. She will be called the Third-degree Bhabhi, after the third-degree burns she will receive when her in-laws discover she is no goddess after all. Accessories will include a Ronson lighter, matches and some lighter fuel."

This caused a tremendous pother among all the assembled men, irrespective of political affiliation. Shouts of "Sit down!", "Shut up!" and "Go back to the kitchen!" were heard. But there was no stopping the women now.

In quick succession, the following were tabled - The Baby Bhabhi, pushed into marriage before she has finished Class 10, to be sold dressed in her school uniform, a bunch of textbooks in her hands.

The Triple-T Bhabhi, enveloped from head to toe in a black burqa, with an accessory mobile phone programmed to only receive terminal
triple-talaq messages.

The No-Means-No Bhabhi, with a flashing LED sign on her forehead and a canister of mustard gas in her hands. Accessories would include a gang of pursuing thugs who cannot read English.

The sitting MP from Varanasi, infuriated, announced the Protest Bhabhi, who wasted everyone's time blocking traffic and demanding the death penalty for rapists and justice for abused women.

The normally dignified speaker of the House built on the theme and proposed the Revenge Bhabhi, a bride required to marry her rapist, who would be included as
an accessory.

The hall erupted in rowdy male laughter crossing party lines, until a woman spoke, clear and strong. "We demand in that case that the Revenge Bhabhi's rapist husband come with a noose around his neck."

This was roughly when it became clear that no version of a female doll would ever work in a market that reveres women as much as Indian men do. The gentleman in orange had wise words: "We cherish our women and protect them. The face the world needs to see is not of our delicate, docile Bhabhis but the strong, honourable, courageous men who keep them safe."

The Hari Harami doll, India's Ken, will go on sale around Diwali. Accessories will include a Bhabhi doll, mouth gagged and feet shackled, and a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

You can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopi@gmail.com

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