Types of CoVidians

Illustration/Uday Mohite

We are ensconced in this never-ending pandemic, just when we thought that the worst was over, the numbers began increasing… we have responded to this virus with varying degrees of fear, flippancy and fabrication.

Because Mumbai city has the largest numbers, Mumbaikars feel they are experts. There is nothing they don't know about how this small but deadly virus that originated in Wuhan, has spread its tentacles - everyone's a CoVidian scholar now, everyone in lesser and greater degrees.

I decided to list the various CoVidian that I have encountered over the months.

The QuoVadis COVIDian
This guy is a soothsayer, a modern day Nostradamus. He has predicted that CoVid-19 is the most devastating disease, ever to hit mankind - cancer, cerebral palsy, cardiac arrest… they are nothing, he says; they are like the common cold, compared to the new ‘C' word. Here is a fictitious conversation, between him and a patient.

"So, what's the problem?" the QuoVadis CoVidian enquires.

"I uh…I can't see with one eye, my left leg doesn't stop tingling, I've got heartburn and my spine hurts," the patient says.

‘That's it, nothing more?" the QuoVidian CoVidian asks.

"Uhm….what other ailments should I have?" the patient demands.

"Basically you don't have COVID-19, na?"

"Uhn no."

"Then you're fine," the QuoVidian CoVidian concludes.

The Chin Chins
This group of CoVidian, the Chin Chins, are privy to information no one else in the world has, not scientists, not lab technicians, not NASA, not governments - the fact that it is airborne, that it makes its way through your nose. To the Chin Chins, all that is humbug. To this bunch of experts, the virus is communicated through one body part and one body part alone - the chin! So, if you notice, this person will be characterised by his mask being worn on the chin. It never moves to the nose or the mouth, only stays fixed on the chin.

‘The Virus…what virus' COVIDian
For this guy, there never was a virus. "Virus, what virus?" is his philosophy. He does not believe that such a pandemic exists, or ever has existed - he cannot for the life of him understand, what the fuss is about….what are these masks that till now only surgeons wore, the maintenance of this nonsensical six feet distance, the virus is merely a concoction of the US and the Chinese. Crowds and crowds of "The Virus…what virus" COVIDian, can be seen strolling on beaches and gardens, sans a mask.

The ‘I wait for instructions' COVIDian
This guy waits for instructions - he received the first set of instructions last March, to bang utensils at an appointed hour! He led armies of people through the streets, thumping "bartans" to frighten away the virus, this was followed a few months later by the lighting of a diya or candle. Since then he has sat in front of his TV set, waiting for his next set of instructions, turn cartwheels, throw eggs at his kids, anything as long as it came from above… sadly nothing has been forthcoming.

The Covid Paranoaic
The day, the news hit, of the worldwide panic, this guy got into action, he turned his home into a war zone, to him the virus was an airborne attacker, much like the small UFO like enemies that Will Smith and Jeff Goldbulm fought in Independence Day - he has telescopes, and invisible CCTVs and sensors and ray guns and sten guns, and infra green visors.

"They're out there, and they're out to get me, in fact they came after me, I know it, the day I stopped buying Chinese products and apps like Tik Tok. But I'm ready for them!"

So, how many of these have you met, dear reader?

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com